tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8450543349448165337.post6165768709746402424..comments2023-02-27T12:58:29.826-05:00Comments on Unpublished For a Reason: Coping MechanismsHannah Khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00849529277859991156noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8450543349448165337.post-53203522123624758572014-07-04T12:34:33.068-04:002014-07-04T12:34:33.068-04:00Oh, Depression Guilt. What an effective little too...Oh, Depression Guilt. What an effective little tool <i>that</i> is! Sometimes, I can be made to feel guilty for things that don't even have anything directly to do with me at all. Depression can make me feel responsible for not knowing about something when I theoretically "could" have (maybe) done something about it.<br /><br />And the thing is, I feel that way all the time - even when Depression is otherwise quiet.<br /><br />I can best explain this by pointing to something Henry Ward Beecher said: <br /><br /><i>"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself."</i><br /><br />I don't even know when or where I first encountered that philosophy - surely in some other version than his articulation of it - but I immediately adopted it as part of my core set of values. It's so ingrained by now I don't think I could possibly undo it. Whenever I've shared my frustration at failing to meet those higher standards with anyone, they have invariably scoffed ("You're too hard on yourself; you need to lighten up") and of course, all I have ever heard is affirmation that I am at least holding myself to a higher standard than anyone else expects of me.<br /><br />I have always had a really hard time with the concept of self-forgiveness. It seems shady to me, like letting someone preside over their own trial. I'm one of those people who keep separate the transgressions of two parties, and I don't believe that if there's an imbalance, that the party with the lesser transgressions is automatically the "good guy" by default.<br /><br />Sometimes, I can take some solace in believing that those who know my frustration will have some sort of respect for my commitment to those lofty standards. Since I've had no sleep and a zillion things on my mind anyway, I'm feeling a bit freer than usual right now so I'll go ahead and admit that when my mind turns to suicide, I sometimes daydream about things that might come up in eulogies and I hope "He held himself to high standards" is something everyone agrees on about me.<br /><br />Other times, I feel bitter that all I'll have to show for being the way I am <i>may</i> be some minor praise at my funeral. If I felt like any kind of success, maybe I could take comfort believing that my accomplishments could be attributed to those higher standards, but the truth is I'm a nobody and a failure in most respects so I don't even have that to fall back on for comfort.<br /><br />Obviously, blame-shifting is incompatible with the Beecher Doctrine, but blame-shifting <i>is</i> a survival skill in my family. Sometimes for a laugh, but mostly for the preservation of ego. Worse: At times, I've seen one family member twist things to make excuses for another who was dead-to-rights wrong about something. In my youth, I engaged in some of that, as much because it let me "fit in" as because it was easy. Inwardly, though, I never believed anything other than that I was a world-class screw-up. I found in later years that the more I did that, the more apt I was to also lash out at others. I can be vicious, even surprising myself at how ugly I can get. It's better all around if I instead claim the blame instead of try to pass it off to someone else.<br /><br />I dunno whether your coping mechanism is healthy or not, but your explanation seems pragmatic, at least. You indicated at the end that some will say you're being too hard on yourself. I don't believe in the concept of being "too hard" on oneself, but then I'm also not at all qualified to pass judgment on you (or anyone else!), so I can't say whether you are or aren't. I know <i>my</i> approach to such matters is decidedly <i>not</i> healthy, so there's that.Travis S. McClainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15774869483357940473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8450543349448165337.post-14218073043746125742014-06-09T15:55:21.816-04:002014-06-09T15:55:21.816-04:00My overall philosophy with stuff like this is, &qu...My overall philosophy with stuff like this is, "Use whatever tool works best in the moment of need; in moments of calm, try to develop better tools." It sounds to me like you do less harm using your blame-shifting tool (since you don't spread it around or actually put the burden on the other person) than you do when the guilt succeeds in sending you into a downward spiral.<br /><br />While I am not a Christian, there are some concepts that translate between Christianity as I used to believe it, and my current philosophies. And one of them is: We continually fall short of the people we should be, we think and act and respond in ways that are harmful and not ideal. And trying to achieve perfection by sheer force of will doesn't actually work; we can't just notice our failings and shortcomings and then erase them. The way forward is not to become perfect people, it's to accept that we are loved despite our imperfections, and to let that love lead us toward growth. <br /><br />If the best way you've found of coping with a mental illness symptom is imperfect and flawed; well, that's not really surprising, since most of what we do is imperfect and flawed. In my opinion, the important thing is to be seeking and open to that growth moment, when a better coping method opens itself up to you (or is given to you.)Virginia Ruthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03317285788337841666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8450543349448165337.post-36464148960572323802014-06-06T21:11:19.465-04:002014-06-06T21:11:19.465-04:00Don't know whether it's right or not. I kn...Don't know whether it's right or not. I know I wouldn't be able to do it, because my mind is more terrified of becoming an antagonistic person than it is of feeling guilty. But you asked about other methods of dealing with guilt. I deal quite a lot with feeling guilty for nonsensical things (not nearly as much as I used to, though, and I didn't really call it depression...so maybe it's different than it is for you, don't know). Not saying this will/won't work for you, but I think it's worked for me so far.<br /><br />At one point I discovered that, whenever a particularly strong attack of guilt rose up, I'd find myself (as long as I was alone) mumbling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again. But I got the feeling that that would be bad for me in the long run - might just feed the guilt over time rather than get rid of it - but I wanted to have something to physically say to replace it. So, instead, I decided to turn to God and say "Thank You" instead. Even if it *was* something I did wrong; it happened, so God knows exactly how it's going to work out for exactly what He wants. I know it's tricky theologically, and possibly in a way you disagree with. But, when I remember to keep it up, I think it does help.Bekah Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8450543349448165337.post-86438873945464363362014-06-06T19:27:59.331-04:002014-06-06T19:27:59.331-04:00Hmm.... that's interesting. I've never rea...Hmm.... that's interesting. I've never really thought of that before. And while I feel like there's probably a reason for it to be wrong, I'm emotionally ok with it and feel like I wouldn't necessarily condemn it. At least not unless I came up with a better solution to present to the person doing it. I feel like it's not such a big deal that I would feel ok taking it away from them without providing a better option. Maybe it's because I feel like someone who's going through that doesn't really need someone attacking them and saying, "You're doing this wrong". Or maybe it's because that's the kind of thing that I could see myself doing and making work.<br /><br />For myself? I know I'm not the type of person to hold grudges or blame over someone for a long period of time. I feel like I would eventually, like you say, let the reasonable part of my mind make sense of it. I mean, I don't feel like the blaming would get out of control. I guess my thought is that, eventually, there's got to be a better way than to practice self-deception. But it's not so damaging that I would freak out and say, "No, you have to stop now!" I mean, maybe that's the kind of thing that God will work out in you, or in other individuals practicing it, eventually. I hope that made sense.Bethany Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15972859220893567486noreply@blogger.com