I do not want to do this post. This year, I really haven't wanted to do any of these posts. Over the past eight months or so, depression and anxiety has really been pushing me down and kicking me over and over again, and every time I looked at what I wanted to do, what I planned to do and never got to, I feel like a failure. And this was a rough month.
So this is what's going to happen. I'm going to (very quickly) add up the points for how I did on my goals this month. I won't be explaining which ones I got points for and which I didn't. I'll just have my points number as a benchmark. And then I'm setting eight incredibly easy goals for the rest of April. Super duper easy, I should be able to accomplish them no problem. Because I think I need to be able to look back at this in May and count at least one full win. I need that little boost to remind me I'm capable of, ya know, doing things, so that when depressionbrain is taunting me I can be like, "NOPE! REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME IN MAY I ACCOMPLISHED MY GOALS EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE SMALL? HA!!!!"
For last month's goals, I get a 14 out of 80, down from 28.5 from February to March. I told you this was a rough month. But it means going up is easy.
So here are my easy peasy goals to accomplish in the final two weeks of April:
- No more fast food. Like until the end of the month. I'm being stupid with my spending and my eating and I can't afford to do either. It's actually a little bit tougher because making food stresses me out, so I'm making it count for both my diet and my finance goal. 20 points if I make it.
- Work out once. Just once. I've been not doing it at all, once would be a step up.
- Spend time with God twice. Just twice. Again, twice is a step up from not at all. And if I end up doing more, awesome.
- Get laundry quarters. Am I going to do a crap load of laundry like I always want to? Probably not. But can I be prepared for it? I sure can.
- Have at least one online meetup with faraway friends and/or family. I tentatively have three scheduled right now, so I should be able to make at least one of them happen, yes?
- See a movie in theaters next week. Can't say "every week" because that always fails, but, yup, I can see a movie next week.
- Write my May check-in blog on time (which means ready to post on Monday the 1st). Even if I fail everything else, I can get at least 10 points on this one with a little "Hey, I somehow failed!" post which means I'm almost where I was this month anyway.
Looking back at this post, I sound defeatist and discouraged. I'm sorry. I kind of am this month. But this is me trying not to be. And maybe it will be the burst of confidence I need to feel like I can do something positive for myself even when my brain is doing its best to get me to just give up and eat ice cream and cry all day. So if you don't mind, send me prayers or love or good vibes or whatever you can spare. Thanks, friends.