Monday, September 9, 2013

Oh, How About Some Quotes?

Let's go with something light and entertaining today. I used to just keep lists of quotes that entertained me, from movies, TV shows, books, or real life. I haven't done that in awhile, but let's look at some of the ones I saved from 2011. I tried to pull out the ones that work best out of context, so you shouldn't *have* to know any of these shows or people to find them entertaining.

Quotes From Other Media

Avery: Quit? I never quit on anything in my life. I’m still in Girl Scouts. I have 9000 badges.
--30 Rock

Liz: That's my favorite drink! I keep a thermos of it by my toilet! You misheard me!
--30 Rock

(Amy is clearly very attracted to Penny's ex, but doesn't realize it yet.)
Amy: I’m flushed, my palms are clammy, my mouth is dry, and I keep involuntarily saying, “Oh!”
Penny: We know what’s causing that, don’t we?
Amy: Well, obviously I have the flu along with sudden onset Tourette’s Syndrome.
--The Big Bang Theory

Shirley: Pulp Fiction? I saw it on an airplane once. It’s cute. It’s a 30-minute movie about a group of friends who like cheeseburgers, dancing, and the Bible.

Boss: We’ve had concerns about how you’re handling the traffic report.
Jane: I told you, I need to have creative input!
Boss: Sometimes you change the names of streets.

Wilma: She really does exist, this girlfriend?
Jeff: Oh, yes, she exists! She’s very much an existent person! She’s got tons of existence! Well, not TOO much existence. I don’t mean she’s huge or anything. She’s somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck.

(About Benjamin Gates from National Treasure)
He lives in a world where everyone who was ever famous achieved all of history as a hobby in between hiding things.

Doctor: We’re in a room.
Rory: What room?
Doctor: I don’t know! I haven’t memorized every room in the universe yet. I had yesterday off.
--Doctor Who

Today, I was in my building’s elevator. On one floor, a huge, weird looking guy with a bulldog got on. He yelled, "Sit!", which I did without hesitation. He was talking to his dog. He giggled for the remaining 10 floors.

(During a trial)
Bash: Judge Douglas, our D.A. would have you believe that our clients are merely two women with drop-dead legs who dance the night away for a living.
Franklin: These beautiful girls are successful entrepreneurs who built their rockin’ pole business from the ground up. They’re not running with the devil.
Janie: Your Honor, they’re using Van Halen song titles as a defense.
Franklin: You really got me.
--Franklin and Bash

Codex: I’m not stupid. I’m just ignorant about things I don’t RSS.
--The Guild

House: You took an oath. An oath to be cool. At least, that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one.

Patient’s Wife: (About something the team found in their house) That’s impossible. You must have broken into the wrong house.
Thirteen: Then you have creepy neighbors, because there were pictures of you and your kids everywhere.

Ben: We’re friends! You live here! I made you a sandwich that one time! …Or, rather, you made me a sandwich and I didn’t like it and I gave it back to you.
--Mr. Sunshine

Today, I learned that the smell of fresh cut grass is actually the grass sending out a chemical distress signal, So that smell is really your lawn screaming in agony. Mowing the yard just got so much better.

Yesterday, I came home late, and decided to take a shower. I didn't want to wake up my parents, so I tried to be really quiet and kept the water cold so I wouldn't wake them up. It wasn't until I spent the first few minutes shivering that I realized that taking a cold shower wasn't any quieter than a hot one.

Q: If you drained a pint of blood from a new born baby would the baby survive?
A: Google says that a newborn baby has only 1/2 pint (one cup) of blood total. This seems to vary by body weight and the amount apparently rises sharply in the first 24 hours after birth, but that's the gist.
So yes, draining twice the amount of blood it has would kill it.
--NaNoWriMo forums

Michael: I am a huge Woody Allen fan, although I have only seen Antz.
--The Office

Virginia: It’s a bad idea for a baby to play with a doll that’s the same age as she is. She might think it’s unfriendly. Or dead.
--Raising Hope

This will end by this being the book that every house has in their living room on the coffee table, book shelf or half open on the couch. The book every pastor and synogogue will have on display across the world. I would be sadly dissapointed if this book didn’t sell 100 billion copies in the first 5 years.
Hmmm … 100 billion copies for a world population of 7 billion. So, each and every person in the world is going to buy 14 copies? Seems reasonable.
--Slushpile Hell

Dahlia: Your room’s so small. It’s even smaller than the rest of the house.
Tessa: That’s generally how it works. The rooms in the house are smaller than the house so they can fit them in. My dad’s an architect.

In this forum post, somebody asserts that all the great advances of history have been made by 1 in 100 billion people. Considering that 100 billion is a fair estimate of the total number of human beings who have ever been born, the assumption is probably unsound.
--TV Tropes

You know that button in the elevator with a fireman’s hat on it? Turns out that’s NOT the button you push to order a fireman’s hat.

This Valentine's, surprise her with a Christmas present.

Most maligned group ever: well-groomed, dapper nerf herders.

"God knew them in the womb." #JesusJuke I want to say to friends who brag about how long they've known about Mumford & Sons

Honestly, I don't mold NEARLY enough. #imoldenough

Only in L.A.... I just saw a sign that said, “Welcome to Los Angeles.”

Just heard TV on the Radio on the radio on the Internet.

I like big butts too, but I could probably lie about it if necessary.

He was voiced by a black is it okay for Darth Vader to say the n-word? #thoughts

Meanwhile a lonely Lord Gaga waits at home on their estate, watching birds and supervising the gardeners.

Obamacare is also an anagram for "A ear am cob" proving that Obama has poor grammar and is illogical. An ear of corn can't also be a cob!

Today is Friday? What? What was yesterday? What comes afterwards? If only there was someone who could answer these difficult questions!

Wilfred: We’ll just stay here and play Battleship.
Ryan: You cheat at that too.
Wilfred: Battleships change position in the middle of a war, Ryan. It’s what they were designed to do!

Stuff From If You Watch It Backwards, Which Pretty Much Was Only Around In 2011

If you watch Superman backwards, it is about a guy who flies around, putting people into precarious situations, then hiding.

If you watch Saw backwards, it is a truly amazing and touching story about one man providing countless limbs for the disabled.

If you watch Transformers backwards, it’s about a boy having to take his car back to the showroom after it turns out to be a robot.

If you watch Lord Of The Rings backwards, it’s about a midget that finds a cool ring in a volcano and then spends the rest of the films walking home.

If you watch 127 Hours backwards, it's a lovely film about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

If you watch The Exorcist backwards it’s about a girl who’s very sick until she eats some pea soup and finally gets better.

If you watch Snow White backwards, it's about a woman's abusive boyfriend giving her the Kiss of Death and forcing her to live with dwarfs.

If you watch your birth backwards, you see your parents get really excited as the doctors push you into your mom, getting rid of you forever.

Quotes From People I Actually Know

(During a chat session)
Anna: john asked me if there were monkees on the streets in africa
Anna: and why did i spell that like the band

Dad: I didn't know the Queen's name was Elizabeth.
Mom: Yes, Elizabeth II.
Dad: So we are living in Elizabethan England. Wait, no we are not, we are living in the United States!

Mom: Go upstairs and take a shower, and put on clean clothes, and hot water, and lots of clothes.

Elizabeth: You’re wearing a pink shirt!
Me: Uh, it’s purple.
Elizabeth: No, it’s red!

Elizabeth: Bekah was trying to ask me something in sign language and I thought she was saying "Open your heart to y'all" but she said "How are you?" Wow, I need to work on my sign language!

Mom: I love these tissues with Vicks in them. You should rub Vicks on your chest if you are congested.
Elizabeth: Wait, we're supposed to rub these tissues on our chest? Before or after we use them?

Heather: Today I said, "Thing I never screw up: Meat sauce. Thing I always screw up: Relationships. At least I succeed at the one that keeps me alive." Hannah Megill said, "I must now make a chick flick about a girl who has found true love but can't make meat sauce, so her soul is still empty."

Miles: Just got my binary math exam back, and I got a 101! Now I'm depressed, because that technically means I got a 5%....

Eric: Do you ever have your typewriter sitting on your desk in front of your monitor, and when you go to type on your computer you type on your typewriter instead? It can't be just me, can it?
Ross: Don't you just hate it when you try and play your iPod through your gramophone?

Carrie: The real drawback of winning a $900 guitar is that I'm scared to take it anywhere. I just KNOW that a baffling unexpected chain of events will lead directly to me scratching the finish a little. And then accidentally spilling battery acid on it and setting it on fire and dropping it off a ten-story building just as the world's first elephant race is due to start on the street below.

(In one of my education classes)
Tyler: When I took the Praxis, I was right on the Average/Great line. So I was borderline great.
Me: You should start introducing yourself to people like that. “Hi, I’m Tyler. I’m borderline great.”
Perry: With your students. “I am borderline great, so be prepared to be borderline amazed.”

Carrie: Today's best auto-generated tweet: "You should follow yourself. I am the original, I invented the fighter jet."
Me: That site's addictive. One of my favorites today read: "Watched Soylent Green for the hovercrafts." Which must have been disappointing, because there are no hovercrafts in Soylent Green.
Carrie: I watch everything for the hovercrafts. It makes life a constant disappointment.

Me: It kind of smells down here. Can we Febreze it?
(Joel goes into the laundry room and emerges a minute later.)
Joel: I can’t find any. Will Pam work?

Mom: Sometime next year, I will pass the point where I’ve spent half my life married. Dad’s already past that. He says it’s because he’s been married longer than I have.

Dad: Oh! There’s not any milk! I guess I’ll just leave my bowl of sugar out.
Me: You’re eating sugar and milk?
Dad: I meant my bowl of cereal.
Me: That didn’t sound like a healthy breakfast.

Mom (To Dad): I’m writing a post on “How to Make Your Husband Feel Special.” I can’t talk to you right now.

Bethany: I’ve been having trouble starting the car.
Me: Yeah?
Bethany: Yeah, I think I’m turning the key far enough, but then I put it in park and it won’t go anywhere.

Carrie: I really wish I was physically capable of tanning, just so that some day someone would say "Wow, you're tan from the sun" so I could reply "No, I'm Carrie from the Earth."

Dad: I keep referring to "existential phenomenology". Elizabeth calls it "exponential mah-nah-mah-nah".

Joshua: My six year old sister Lidya: "I remember this one time when Mom and I were in a place where there was no WiFi, and then We fell into a cactus." Um... I think this was a dream.

Dad: OK, I'm listening to Line 'Em Up by James Taylor and I don't understand the lyrics. What do they mean, anyone who knows?
Me: Do they seem to be about lining things up?
Dad: Well, the chorus is:
            Line 'em up
            Line 'em all up
            Line 'em up
            Line 'em all up
            Line 'em up
            Line 'em all up
            Line 'em up
            Line 'em all up
            So I guess that's a possibility :-)

Dad: (Playing a computer game) I’m just killing myself in various ways.
Mom: May I suggest you don’t do that?
Dad: OK, I’ll try to kill myself in the same way all the time.

(Jacob's joined me and Lisa on, and is asking if there was anything in particular he should or shouldn’t play.)
Lisa: Don't! Pick anything your heart desires.
Jacob: I searched "anything your heart desires" and it came up with "touch of my woman", which is awkward.

Eric: Apparently, 200 friends is the minimum number that Facebook thinks one should have. I've been trimming my friend list little by little and finally got below 200 (from I think 450 or so). Now I have "Find Friends" links appearing everywhere. And now you know. Also, congrats on making the cut. You may print out this status update and frame it as proof that I either (1) value interaction with you, (2) haven't seen you on G+, or (3) haven't noticed you yet to delete you. Feel important now? You're welcome.
Me: It's going to suck for the people who fall into category 3, comment and say, "Yay, I made it!" and then immediately get deleted.
Eric: See, it's that kind of thinking that keeps you on my list!

Mom: One Praise was a sweet time of worship. Big thanks to all those who worked to put it together!! Now, if we only had heat in my bedroom I'd be just about as happy as a camper could be!!!
Me: Would a camper be happy if you had heat in your bedroom? Wouldn't a camper be sleeping outside anyway? :-P
Mom: Well, with the comfort that comes with our house, it's sort of LIKE sleeping outside, no matter what!
Dad: So we seem to have concluded that you're already as happy as a camper could be, but that with heat you'd be *happier* than a camper could be.
Mom: Can we JUST translate that to I'D LIKE HEAT IN MY BEDROOM!!!

Dad: Kate wanted our kids to get something for her, and then forgot what it was. Her new attempt: "Would you ... er ... go into my room and search for something that looks like I might want it, and bring it to me?"

(About AC/DC)
Elizabeth: It sounds like Donald Duck singing.

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