It's time to begin the yearly wrap-up posts! While everybody else is doing them at the end of December, I am a stickler for not beginning them until January, because you never know when there's going to be a sudden last-minute favorite.
Today we'll be looking at my favorite Facebook statuses of 2013. I try to post primarily entertaining things on my Facebook, and I have combed through them all and pulled out the ones that amused me the most, whether or not they seemed to entertain anyone else. They're in a weird order (it just happened to be the order in which I saved them from my Facebook), so statuses from December are intermingled with statuses from, like, March.
Anyway. Here is the list. If you're my Facebook friend and saw all these throughout the year, I hope you enjoy the re-read, and if you're just a blog reader and these are all new to you, I hope they amuse you as well.
On to my favorite statuses of 2013!
So, um, we may or may not be using the extra mattress and chairs in our hotel room to build a fort. I knew I married an awesome guy.
So I announced to Jacob that Whedon's Much Ado About Nothing came out on DVD today. Like 20 minutes later, the UPS truck pulled up and Jacob went to go pick up a package. When he came back, he handed me the Much Ado DVD, and said, "Happy birthday! I did, in fact, know that Much Ado came out today." Yay! That is fun.
Last night, I dreamed Jacob and I wanted to have a kid but couldn't, so we went to the doctor to see if they could help. They did some weird procedure where they surgically implanted a seal egg in my uterus. I asked them if there were any negative side effects to this procedure, and they said, "Well, 9 times out of 10, you'll give birth to a seal."
Seriously, I have no idea what the heck my brain does while I'm sleeping...
Two texts I just sent Jacob:
"Just as a heads up, I will almost certainly be napping if you call at 5. I stayed awake to get that letter from the moon and then to finish an seizure, but now I'm going to sleep."
"Um... by 'the moon' I mean 'your mom,' and by 'seizure,' I mean 'article.'"
My phone's autocorrect thinks I had a much more interesting afternoon than I did.
Forget all the "ringadingdingdingdingading" stuff, the best part of "The Fox" is the bizarrely mournful intensity of the line, "Ducks say quack and fish go blub." The guys sings that line like he's referencing a painful breakup. Did he have to learn the hard way that fish go blub?
I was trying to text, "Yay! God is the best!" but somehow the exclamation point turned into a 7 and "God" turned into "Gods" so I was suddenly saying, "Yay 7 Gods is the best!" which kind of goes against everything I believe in.
(Re: a sign we saw while driving)
Jacob: "Peacock water"? What is that?
Me: It's water for peacocks to live in. They are happiest living in the water. That's also why they're called “peacocks." Because they're like peas, which taste best when served in water.
Jacob: Um. I'm glad I'm the one who cooks the food.
Last night I dreamed I was at a church and they sang this bizarre and terrible hymn called "The Lord Thy God Demands Thy Soul." All the verses said things like, "God, take my eyesight, but not my soul!" and every chorus was God responding, "BUT THE LORD THY GOD DEMANDS THY SOUL!" The final verse revealed that your soul is literally a magnet inside you (yes, literally) keeping you stuck to the earth, so if God doesn't take your soul, you can't fly off the earth to go up to heaven.
My subconscious has some *goofy* theology. Also, that's a terrible hymn. Nobody write it.
The opening line to this Taylor Swift song sounded like, "It feels like a perfect night to dress up like Hitler." Turns out it was "hipsters," but for a moment I thought I'd figured out where all her relationships went wrong.
Jacob: (Gasp) WE SHOULD HAVE A HUNGER GAMES WEDDING!
Me: Where everyone kills each other?
Jacob: No, no. See, the party will all come up out of the ground, and then we'll all run away, and then... you and I will meet up at some point, and then... OK, yeah, I'm having a hard time figuring out how we do this without killing everyone.
The other night I dreamed I met a supervillain, and I realized he was a supervillain as soon as he said THE MOST SUPERVILLAINOUS THING OF ALL TIME: "Forever is far too long for a child to have legs."
I sent a text about Valentine's Day and Swype turned it into "Casserole's Day." BEST NEW HOLIDAY EVER.
Apparently my father has just shaved off his beard. I've never known him without one as long as I've been alive, so this is a very strange concept to me. I can't even visualize it. Heh. I kept trying to thing of something analogously strange, but for some reason the only comparison my mind can come up with is, "It's like if my mom shaved her head," which, er, doesn't really apply to my mother...
Jacob announced to Puppy that he was going to take a shower, but I thought he said, "Tell Hannah she needs to shower." I just figured we'd be the passive aggressive couple that passes insulting messages along to each other through the dog.
Last night I had a dream that Mama and Papa Berenstein Bear were giving Jacob and me premarital counseling on the day of our wedding, and Mama Bear was REALLY CONCERNED that Jacob and I couldn't identify any of the car parts she was naming (the names were things like "automov quadivrox"). Apparently that is the secret to a happy marriage.
My shoulder has been an arthritic mess all day. I wandered downstairs to complain about it, and so I went into the living room and just said, "Ow. Ow. Ow," over and over to Seth. He completely ignored me because he was busy singing the theme song for some anime. When he was done, he said, "Hannah, I wish you weren't in pain. But I had to finish singing my song." I told him I completely understood.
That church sign said, "People will disapoint. God never will." That church has already disappointed me, but it's nice to know God knows how to spell even if they don't.
I have finally figured a way to get the puppy to leave me alone while I'm working: put a balloon next to me. She is terrified of this balloon and won't come near it. WIN.
I informed Jacob that I will never refer to us as Lumps' parents, nor do I ever want him to call me her mother. This morning he tried "Aunt Hannah," and I gave him a stern look and told him I am not related to her. So we've settle on a compromise. I will now be known to the puppy as Commandant Hannah.
Right before I settle down to go to sleep, Jacob says, "Don't get killed by Slender Man," and leaves. GEE THANKS I WILL TOTALLY BE ABLE TO SLEEP NOW
(Finally deflating an air mattress that's been set up since the wedding.)
Me: This is very old air.
Jacob: We should have bottled it and been like, "This is our wedding air!"
Me: I'm sure people have done similarly odd things.
Jacob: "Odd"? (Sighs) You just don't understand romance, do you?
The guy who plays Bernardo from West Side Story is a random dancer in the movie White Christmas. You can see him in Betty's "Love, You Didn't Do Right By Me" song. However, I discovered during this last viewing that you can also see him in the earlier "Mandy" number. This means when Betty left Bob and Phil's show to go do her own thing, she STOLE one of their dancers. What's the story here? Did he fall in love with her and follow her? Did he hate working on the show and was just looking for an excuse to leave? Did she try to get the entire cast to mutiny and he was just one of the few who followed? SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.
A special 12 of you have been selected to get leftover Christmas stamps on the wedding invites I'm sending you. Everyone else gets less exciting ones that are actually appropriate for a July wedding.
That Raid ad just said, "It also kills ants for up to 4 weeks!" Good. Even though they presumably come back to life a month later, that's 4 fewer weeks of zombie ants.
I unplugged my phone from the charger, and it was at 58%.
I talked to Jacob for 15 minutes, and it was then at 60%.
I guess talking to him charges my phone now. Probably because we share a plan.
Elizabeth was sitting on the air vent and hogging all the warm air. So I sat on her until she agreed to move. This is what being a big sister is all about.
Me: I'm brushing my hair but it's being especially difficult today./Jacob: Here's a tip. If you rub your hairbrush with a bit of lemon, it won't help. It'll be as bad as it was before.
Sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between the silly things Jacob says when he's awake and the silly things he says when he's asleep. I thought he'd been quietly sleeping for a while, but then a minute ago he suddenly said good night, he loved me, and not to get hit by a truck. I really have no idea whether he was awake for that or not...
Last night, as I was trying to sleep...
Jacob: Oh my gosh. There's a huge... swan in our room.
Me: Honey, I think you're dreaming it. There's no swan in our room.
Jacob: I don't know...
Me: Well, if you want to turn on the light and check, you can, but I promise there's no swan in our room.
Jacob (with the vocal equivalent of a sneer): I know there's no swan in our bedroom. Nerd.
He settled down then and I giggled quietly for a while. The best part? Turns out he wasn't seeing a swan, he was seeing a snake but couldn't think of the word at first. So when I kept telling him there were no swans, his brain was saying, "Well, of COURSE there aren't any SWANS." Thus the condescension.
This morning, while brushing my teeth, I suddenly remembered that time my sister Elizabeth forgot how to clap while watching a show so she waved at the performers instead, and it struck me as super funny all over again, and I laughed and accidentally spit toothpaste all over our sink. Smooth.
Last night, while looking through a catalog we got in the mail, I decided Jacob and I would choose each other's Christmas gifts based on me closing my eyes, opening the catalog, and pointing to a random item. The end result: I have to buy him a $100 5-gallon humidifier, while he's buying me a $2.99 roasting pan. Hmm. This may not be the life-changing gift-buying solution I had hoped for.
(In the middle of a silly teasing conversation.)
Jacob: You are making me lose my husbandal self-esteem. Husbandal? What's the adjective form of husband? "Husband-having"?
Me: No, that's about HAVING a husband, not being one. Saying I made you lose your husband-having self esteem is like saying, "You make me feel like I can't have a husband."
Jacob: Well... you *do*.
Me: So the save-the-date card should be finished up soon.
Jacob: Are there ponies on them?
Me: ...What? No. That would confuse people. They'll think there are ponies at the wedding, and there aren't.
Him: What? Why not?
Me: What would we even DO with a pony at our wedding?
Him: Ride it!
Me: Why do we need to ride a pony?
Him: To be taller than everyone else!
Best reason for a pony ever. He wins. We have to have a pony at the wedding now.
I've informed Bethany I am making her do the traditional "oldest younger sister of the bride" dance at the wedding, where I make her dance by herself in front of all the guests to a 20-minute piece of undanceable classical music. She's not allowed to practice beforehand or even know what music she'll be dancing to. She does not seem very excited about this plan.
When I was in Ohio, Jacob and I took my engagement ring to get it resized. Last night I dreamed that he went back to pick it up and they said, "Oh, we lost your ring, but here, have a small plastic dinosaur instead." He thought this was a great trade and didn't understand at all why I was upset.
Sleeping Jacob just said to me, VERY sadly, "Most of you is stuck under the stereo," and now I can't stop giggling about it.
Jacob (on his computer, in a tiny terrified voice): Hannah?
Jacob: Why did I decide to play Slender?
Me: I don't know. Are you terrified right now?
Jacob (suddenly screaming): AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Me: I'm going to take that as a yes.
Gotta say, sometimes watching other people play games is way more fun than playing them yourself.
In the middle of the night last night, Jacob got up and left the room because he couldn't sleep. I was sleeping when he came back, but I opened my eyes when he walked in the door. He was wearing the same Heath Ledger Joker T-shirt he was wearing when he left, but in my mostly-asleep state, I thought he wasn't wearing a shirt at all and had gotten a giant Che Guevara tattoo on his chest. I remember thinking, "Huh. When did he get that done? I don't know if I'm OK with that," but clearly it didn't bother me much because I went back to sleep almost immediately.
Today, my phone somehow decided that when I typed, "Time for some prayer," I REALLY meant to type, "Time for some macaroni query."
Lumps is being particularly difficult today and keeps jumping up on me and licking me. In retaliation, I created a passive-aggressive song to sing at her while I made my dinner. It goes thus:
None of this food is for you! (clap clap clap)
None of this food is for you! (clap clap clap)
I know that you want it, but HA HA HA
None of this food is for you! (clap clap clap)
She tried to play it cool, but I could tell it stung.
Me: (Being silly with Seth) I don't eat eggs.
Seth: You ate a breakfast burrito yesterday.
Me: There are no eggs in that, because there are no eggs in the name. It's made of burritos and breakfast.
Seth: Well, actually, the full name is "egg breakfast burrito egg egg."
Jacob: I just passed a stable.
Me: We could get a stable.
Jacob: What would we do with a stable?
Me: I dunno. Give birth to Jesus.
Elizabeth just threw herself off a chair and rolled on the floor because she's sad we have meatloaf for dinner. My siblings aren't overdramatic at ALL.
I send a mushy text to my mom about how much I miss her, and get this in return: "Aww, we mud you to. We also got"/I have no idea whether or not to read that as a compliment. I'd rather not be mudded by whatever they got.
I open my Sobe LifeWater, and under the cap I find the phrase, "EVERY ONE KNOWS." Well, that's not ominous at all... Happy Halloween to me!
(During a Bible discussion)
Dad: I'm wondering, if you were a Levite...
Bekah: I'm not.
Me: Well, good. That settles that. He was wondering.
Dad: Guys, I wasn't done with my sentence.
When I'm lying in bed, I frequently jiggle my feet or legs around, and I usually don't realize I'm doing it. Occasionally Jacob will be able to feel it because his side of the bed will start shaking along with my legs.
Last night, he told me I was shaking the bed... but I wasn't. I wasn't moving at all. I had a moment of thinking, "GHOSTS ARE SHAKING OUR BED," before he realized he was just feeling his heartbeat in his arm because his arm was lying at a weird angle. He was too tired to explain all that to me then, though, so this was the explanation I got (which I did manage to interpret correctly): "Oh, it's OK. It's just my arm. It's because of the blood."
(Looking for the train station)
Mom: I think it's over by the railroad tracks. Oh wait. Of course it's by the railroad tracks.
I was going to watch What About Bob? but didn't feel like watching a whole movie, so I turned on Frasier... only to watch an episode about an overly clingy obnoxious man named Bob who starts following a psychiatrist around everywhere and intruding into his life until he completely broke down in paranoia.
That's pretty much a 20-minute version of What About Bob? Maybe all Frasier episodes are 20-minute rewrites of famous movies...
I had a dream last night that I got a teaching job. My first day, I taught one class and then all the teachers told me to stop working. I asked them why, and they said, "Well, it's the first day back from winter vacation. And on the first day back from vacations, we always just teach one class and then just eat fried chicken and donuts in our offices."
Last night's dream: Jacob, Ben Griffith and Audra took over a church service to sing a medley of songs dedicated to me that included "Someone Else's Clothes" and "Mamma Mia." I felt very awkward but my dad thought it was awesome and kept trying to get me to dance on the pews.
As I ranted in RinkChat today, I still can't ever hear "Word of God Speak" by MercyMe without feeling like God's trying to interrupt the singer the whole time.
Singer: "I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is, it's okay. The last thing I need is to be heard but to hear what you would say."
God: "Well, cool, actually, I have some things to tell you-"
Singer: "WORD OF GOD, SPEAK!"
God: "Um, yes, actually, we need to talk about-"
Singer: "WOULD YOU POUR DOWN LIKE RAIN!"
God: "...Are you not done?"
Singer: "WASHING MY EYES TO SEE!"
God: "Well, just... let me know when you're finished."
Singer: "YOUR MAJESTY!"
So we're in the middle of a fairly serious God-related discussion, and suddenly Mom says, "OK, everybody, watch this." She puts a piece of toast in her mouth, and says (as she simultaneously does what she's saying), "Chew. Chew. Chew. And then swallow." Turns out she was celebrating the fact that she's done with the juice fast she was doing and now she can eat solid food again. My family is awesome, but sometimes very confusing.
Jacob: Yay, I'm home! Now I can eat my food and play with my puppy!
(Pause, then, simultaneously, we say)
Jacob: But I shouldn't eat my puppy and--
Me: That's better than eating your puppy and--
Me: Yup. We were both making the same dumb joke. We're so cool.
Mom quote of the day: "I wouldn't want to marry a professional dancer, because he'd just twirl all the time." Yup, I'm pretty sure that's all professional dancers do.
Last night, in his sleep, Jacob started saying, distressed, "How do they work? How do they WORK?" When I asked him what he meant, he said, "The... the industries!" I told him I didn't know, and he said, "This is ridiculous. HOW DO THEY WORK?"
The story continues: I then went on to dream that Rachel Held Evans wrote a book called "How Industries Work," but it was mostly full of pictures of dogs since she only wrote it in 90 minutes. I wrote a review saying I didn't like it. Then she wrote another book, and at a press conference, she explained, "I wrote THIS book in 90 SECONDS to explain why everyone who didn't like my last book is stupid."
One of the Megill Thanksgiving traditions is to choose an item that represents something you're thankful for. This year, Seth put in a Sorry game piece and said, "I'm thankful that when Joel hits me, he often apologizes." ...I think this brotherly relationship may need some improvement.
(Jacob was on the phone with me, and at one point I washed my hands.)
Jacob: I just figured you should know that, over the phone, the running sink sounds like the screams of 1000 devastated people.
Pandora seems to be hazy on the concept of boy bands, as their "boy bands" genre station keeps playing artists that are neither bands nor boys. Unless Celine Dion and Britney Spears have been keeping secrets from us all.
Jacob, while driving home from work: "Ugh, why is this person in front of me driving at a safe speed that is not too slow and not too fast but I want to drive faster?"
Jacob and I came home from Huddle House to find that my Recently Watched list on Netflix included 5 episodes of an anime series, apparently watched Saturday morning. I can only assume our puppy decided to entertain herself with anime while we were out.
Some people go to parties or to movies or hang out with their friends in the evenings. Jacob and I sit at home listing all the words we can think of that end with "pressed."
A FB message I just got from a stranger:
How are you doing??? What a nice and sparkling smile. I wouldn't trade that smile of yours for anything, I was searching for an old friend of mine when i stumbled on your profile.I got entangled in that wonderful smile and i couldn't stop myself from saying hello.
Please always wear that smile and if you don't can i be a friend?
I must say, I'm relieved he's not going to trade away my smile. I wasn't aware people could even DO that.
It's snowing again. It'll probably snow forever and it will never be spring or summer, it will just be winter for all eternity because it seems the White Witch has taken over Illinois so we won't even have Christmas ever again and even when four kids magically transport here from England to defeat her, she'll just turn them into stone and then bury them under mounds of snow and we poor Narnillinoisians will just have to get used to trudging through snow for the rest of our lives.
(Talking wedding plans)
Me: I saw on QI that laser pointers can pop black balloons, so we're going to fill some dark balloons with confetti, line the reception hall door with them, and then when Jacob and I walk in, we're going to have a group of our friends pop the balloons with lasers. IT IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME.
Heather: That is the best idea ever.
Me: As long as we can get it to happen. We'll have to practice it to make sure it works. Heh.
Heather: OH DARN YOU WILL HAVE TO PRACTICE POPPING BALLOONS WITH LASERS OH NO
(Sadly, this did not end up working. I suspect the laser pointers we got were not nice enough. But it would have been SO COOL.)
Last night I dreamed Jacob wanted to take up a hobby, so he joined a local group called the I Love Swastikas swim choir. They wore snorkeling masks and swastikas and swam and sang all at the same time. My mind is confused about appropriate leisure activities.
Me: What was the name of that black robot from Megaman?
Nathan: Bass. Did you know that all versions of that character are public domain?
Me: What? They are?
Nathan: Yes. All the Bass are belong to us.
Last night's dreams were mostly about serial killers, but there was a slightly less terrifying one where someone was mad at Jacob and me because we didn't have a "jumpmaid" - someone traditionally hired to jump up and down behind him at the wedding to show he was happy.
I washed my hands this morning and then panicked a little when I couldn't get the water to shut off. Then I remembered I don't generally wash my hands in cold water, I tried turning the hot water faucet instead, and, voila! Like magic, the water turned off.
This morning, I planned out my entire life strategy for if there was a tornado while I slept and the windows in our bedroom broke and a piece of glass flew into my back, severed my spinal cord, and left me paralyzed forever. I like to be prepared.
I had a dream last night that Elizabeth was having a party at our house, but all her friends' cars were blocking the driveway and I couldn't park my car anywhere. I was so mad that I moved out of the house. That might have been an overreaction.
Last night's dream: Missy Elliott wanted to change her license plate to read "Bobadadonkadonk." As this was, obviously, too long to fit, they just chose the first 7 letters so it read "BOBA DAD." Missy was VERY upset because she said her license plate now made her sound like a nerdy father who was a big fan of Boba Fett.
Elizabeth was getting me a buffalo chicken sandwich from Subway but had a great deal of difficulty remembering the name of the sandwich. She kept calling it "chicken beef," and then she said, "No, not beef. It's... what's the name of that thing that's not an elephant that roams through South Dakota?"
Jacob made me oatmeal this morning. I go to the kitchen, get out a bowl, go to the stove, take the lid off the oatmeal pan... and then apparently proceed to pick up Jacob's drinking glass next to the stove, and scoop a spoonful of oatmeal into it. It was a rather surreal realization - I don't remember picking up the glass at ALL, I just suddenly looked down to see I was holding a cup with oatmeal in it, and Jacob was saying, "Uh, that's MY glass..."
Occasionally, Jacob's snoring sounds like the TARDIS. I was dropping off to sleep last night when I suddenly heard it and a tiny sleepy part of my brain thought, "The Doctor is here!"
Last night I had a dream that in the middle of a church Christmas pageant, someone came up to me and whispered that they needed help with a panicked lobster. I followed them to the back, where they show me that they had SUPERGLUED fake dog fur and a fake dog head to a lobster, who was indeed very unhappy with it and kept jumping out of its box and running away. I told them there wasn't much I could do about it, and they probably shouldn't try to use it in the show.
Jacob and I are mushing all our names together to create new married last names for ourselves. He suggested "Kragillniel," but then said there were probably a bunch of Jacob Kragillniels on Facebook already. I searched and confirmed there weren't any, but Facebook asked me if I'd meant to search for "jacobs kragillniel, jack kragillniel, or jacobo kragillniel." Because apparently "Jacob" was the word most likely to be wrong in that search.
Whenever Lumps stretches, it looks like she is bowing. This is especially fun when she does it in front of me. This morning, as I walked out of my room, she ran over and bowed down at my feet. That's right, Puppy. Bow to your Commandant.
So, fun fact: You can now sign into MySpace with Facebook.
Apparently one of my siblings lost a tooth in the Lego box. At least, I hope they did. Otherwise we've got somebody else's tooth sitting in with our Legos. That's not OK.
You know your mother is tired when someone asks if there are any snacks in the house and she very seriously responds, "No snacky snacky."
(During a conversation about religion with an atheist friend. Edited for length, but the idea's the same.)
Him: It's very difficult to have a sane discussion [about religion]. Without, y'know, people assuming I'm either attacking them or attempting to sign up, neither of which is the case.
Me: WHAT I was only having this conversation with you because I thought you wanted to convert!
Him: Sorry. I know you guys have a quota.
Me: I guess now it's just a conversation and not a convertsation, as we like to call it.
Him: LOL LOL
I really hope nobody does call it that. That's new levels of cheesy even for Christians...
I have just discovered a spectacularly awful Les Mis fan fic where Eponine and Enjolras get married. In one paragraph, it calmly announces that Gavroche is dead; in the next, Eponine is squeeing over the pink heels Enjolras bought for her. She explains that their wedding guest list is small because "we don't have that many friends who are still alive." This is what happens when fangirls get to my musicals.
(Playing Scattergories, the category is "Things you keep hidden")
Mom: Garlic. For vampires.
Dad: What? Why would you want to hide it from them?
Mom: Because otherwise the vampires will put it away!
Dad: What vampire shows have YOU been watching?
The subtitles on this episode of Buffy said, "The bar matrons talk of you," but I thought it said, "The bear matrons talk of you," and I was like, "I WANT BEAR MATRONS TO TALK ABOUT ME, THAT SOUNDS AWESOME."
Sometimes I react to the videos I'm watching out loud. This means that Jacob and I can be sitting in total silence for like five minutes, and then suddenly I'll creepily whisper, "The monster is going to kill them."
It's Xbox Karaoke night in our house. You should all know that you missed out by not getting to hear Nate Adams' amazing performance of "The Ants Go Marching" tonight. The virtual Xbox audience was rocking out to it pretty hard.
(The topic is pizza toppings, the letter is C)
Dad: Well, the obvious one is "cheese."
Our entire family: OHHHHHH, right!
Elizabeth: Guys, I even thought of "cheese" but forgot it began with C. I sat here for a really long time trying to think of a word I could put it front of "cheese" to make it begin with C.
Here's a handy tip for playing fetch with a puppy: Keep accidentally throwing the ball directly at her face. Sometimes she will catch it, but at least half of the time it will bounce off her face and land back in your lap without her realizing it. Then she will run all over the house looking for it, and you can finally get some more work done.
"Crown Him With Many Crowns" has been stuck in my head all day, but I forgot some of the real lyrics and my brain apparently decided to substitute these:
Awake, my soul, and sing of him who died for thee,
And gather Ewoks in his name through all eternity.
After keeping my phone in my pocket all day, I pulled it out to discover it had been busy pocket-texting. It apparently tried to send a message that said simply, "A new job" to the following phone numbers: N41, 1317+3, and 778668743478659442263947345322772732522272. The message failed to send correctly.
Last night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I listened to some stand-up comedy competition on BBC radio. My favorite joke of the night: "Thank you very much to the French man who translated 'beaucoup' for me. It meant a lot."
Today I was having trouble putting on one of my gloves, so I made up a sad country song about it that went, "I can't put my gloves on, I can't do it, I can't do it." I only sang it for about 30 seconds, but it's now been stuck in my head for 45 minutes.
(I taught it to my siblings. Now, if any one of us starts singing, "Ah cain't put mah gloves on," everyone else has to chime in with, "Ah cain't do it, ah cain't do it!")
Jacob: "I have too much hair. I need to cut it. Right now, if I was riding a bike and fell off, my head would be just fine."
Here is a fun story from my past: Once, I went to Subway, intending to order a footlong meatball sub. When the woman asked me what I wanted, I accidentally started off with, "I want a football" ...and then couldn't stop giggling about it. She kept giving me annoyed looks as I tried to explain what I wanted on my sandwich through my laughter. Most awkward food-ordering experience of my life.
Bizarre autocorrect moment of the morning: "Nose bleeds are lame" came out as "Noise beefs are kansas." Thanks, Swype.
So Facebook compiled my "20 biggest moments from 2013." I browsed through the statuses and updates they suggested and have summarized them for you here:
Leaving my job, getting married, getting married, hanging out in Chicago, posting engagement photos (which were actually taken in 2012), getting married, having a wedding shower, getting married, getting married, getting married, getting married, getting married, getting married, seeing Matilda, getting married, being married for a month, my dad and Bekah posting a Doctor Who joke on Facebook, going to a scary mall bathroom, getting married, having family pictures taken.
I think you see the overarching theme of my year... but I really enjoy that Facebook deems scary mall bathrooms and Doctor Who jokes to be just as important as my wedding.
(While discussing wedding plans)
Jacob: We could have a Les Mis themed wedding! I could go dressed as Javert and you could go dressed as... Javert's job!
This morning's text to Jacob: "Golf morning! I move you!" Thanks, Swype. (Heather Billings thinks this means I am going to hit him with a golf club. But I'm just trying to move him, just scoot him over a little bit. I'm not trying to hurt him or anything. So that's probably okay.)
This morning, as Jacob and I were lazily lying in bed, I thought I heard him say, "Did I tell you I bought bonds? Did I tell you? Did I tell you? Did I?" I was annoyed with his asking me over and over again, so I grunted a grumpy, negative, "Nn-nn," only to hear him respond, "What are you saying 'Nn-nn' to?" Turns out I had drifted back off to sleep and was dreaming about him asking me that weird bonds question. To my knowledge, that's as close to sleeptalking as I've ever gotten.
You know you've been watching a lot of Community when you see a random hoodie lying around and find yourself involuntarily muttering, "Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie..."
This is what it looks like when you send two texts right in a row to someone and they respond to the first one right after you send the second.
Me: I had a dream I was working for Sykes again. Ew.
Me: Also, as of today it's only TWO MORE MONTHS!
Jacob: That's no fun. I'm sorry. I love you!
Apparently he is not as excited as I am about getting married.
Mom: Elizabeth, I was watching this tutorial about how to cut a person.
(Elizabeth and I look at each other, a little horrified.)
Mom: ...Out of a picture. And put them into another picture with a different back drop.
Last night, I discovered Swype doesn't recognize most characters from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Instead, it called them "Commander Rhett," "Captain Poised," "Word," and, most fun of all, "Geordi La Forge" turned into "Drugstore George."
I don't know what song the Catholic church bells are playing next door, but it REALLY sounds like the theme to Blackadder...
Me: Our marriage is coming up soon! Whoo!
Me: I wish. Sadly, no.
Jacob: That's okay! We can get married later! It'll be more awesome that way!
Me: Yes. It'll be the most awesome when we have planned it to be.
Jacob: Unless we go back in time. Dinosaur wedding! Old West wedding with dinosaurs that we smuggled from the past!
While playing Catch Phrase tonight, Bethany gave us a clue that went something like this:
"OK, so you're a whale, and you're jumping up and down, and people can't watch the whales, and the tide is coming in-- (Dissolves into laughter) And-- what do they say?"
"...Don't look at the whales?"
"But the tide is coming in, and what are those things?"
"YES YES! (Waving a finger at us as if to scold us) Uh-uh!"
"'Those are not supposed to be created by you!'"
And then the time ran out. Rebekah somehow magically guessed it, but I want to see if any of you can. I will post the answer tomorrow.
(The answer: "Don't make waves.")
Today, I dreamed I was on a road trip with Kathryn Keefer Doner and Elizabeth Carr and their kids. We stopped at a gas station, and I was supposed to go get coffee-flavored icees for all the kids. Somehow, I confused the icee machine and the gas pump and ended up bring back cups of ice full of gasoline. The kids were all like, "This is gross," and then their mothers were like, "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO FEED MY KIDS GASOLINE?" and I was like, "I'M SORRY! THIS IS WHY I WOULD MAKE A REALLY BAD MOM!"
Mixing up coffee and gasoline is not so much a matter of bad parenting as it is bad... adulting.
Just in case there happens to be a Truman Show-esque reality program filming my life secretly, I should explain what just happened. Yes, I realize I was chanting, "Milk, oil, and an egg, then you make a waffle," while I was in the kitchen. Yes, I realize I did not make a waffle at any point during that time. I did not forget. I actually have zero intention of making a waffle any time tonight. Sometimes I just say things out loud because they are fun to say. Sorry for the confusion. Especially to those who were, for whatever reason, really looking forward to waffles' appearance on the show.
Some days you walk out of your bedroom and realize that you're inadvertently doing the sad Charlie Brown walk. You're not sure whether to be amused that you're doing it at all, or saddened that you're probably doing it because that's how you feel.
So last night we found out the jiggly-eyed spider's species...and that its eyes jiggle only as part of the mating ritual. It was hitting on me that whole time?
Me: I'm going to eat my engagement ring. Watch me.
(Elizabeth watches as I put my engagement ring in my mouth, then make a face and spit it back out.)
Me: Yeah, it didn't taste very good.
(Elizabeth is just laughing at me.)
Me: You just wait until next week, when I eat my wedding dress.
I am in a very silly mood tonight.
Last night I dreamed I was with a group of people who were telling stories, and everyone could tell either a happy story or a sad story. This was one of the happy stories:
A man got a new job because his friend who worked there recommended him, but as soon as he started working there, his friend started asking him to do illegal things. It was awkward because he didn't WANT to do illegal things, so it put a strain on the friendship. Then one day he was walking in the basement and a mouse kept running up to him covered in blood and then running away. It turns out, the mouse had somehow killed his friend, dragged his body into the vents, and was eating him. So the man didn't have to do illegal things after all.
...Yay, happy ending?
Sometimes when people send me requests for the "Musicals" playlist on SongPop, I think, "HA! Little do you know what you're doing. I know ALL the musicals and ALL the songs and I will beat you by thousands of points and you will think, 'I wish I knew as much about musicals as that random girl does. She seems amazing and awesome and better than me at everything.'"
And then I misclick and say that "Sweet Transvestite" is from Fiddler on the Roof.
I have just realized I've been at the library for several hours each day for the past week, and in that time not a single stranger has approached me listing their Facebook page at me, demanding that I drive them to Wal-Mart, or offering me a husband from "the automobile place." The Midwest may be crazy on occasion, but it's SO MUCH LESS crazy than South Carolina.
With SwiftKey on my phone, I can just choose what it thinks will be my next word without typing anything. Today I used that to send Jacob this message made entirely of predictive text: "I love you so much for the first time in the morning and evening of the most depressing moments in life." It SOUNDS poetic, but I'm not sure it actually is...
I opened a soda. It's been buzzing loudly next to me for like ten minutes now. I can't decide if this is just the most carbonated soda ever or if a bee is drowning in it.
Watching last night's American Idol. They've just promised us that after the break we'll see "some of the most star-studded performances yet." I don't think they know what star-studded means. None of these people are stars yet. And even if they *were*, they're singing one at a time. HOW CAN A PERFORMANCE BE STAR-STUDDED WITH ONLY ONE PERSON PERFORMING?
Ticia suggests their costumes will have stars with studs on them. For English's sake, I sure hope so.
Fun fact: Sometimes, when you're trying to say "Fort Wayne," Swype thinks you're trying to say "Fiery Wartime." I think I missed out on some exciting times when I lived in Indiana...
Elizabeth: Did you know that if you go to McDonald's and order "two sodas...and another soda," they will laugh at you?
Helpful tip of the day.
Me: It's 12:34! Make a wish!
(We all do, silently.)
Nathan: I wished it wouldn't be 12:34.
Me: Well, we'll have to see who wins, because I wished it would be 12:34 again!
Rebekah: Me too!
Man, we suck at making wishes.
I dreamed last night that I went back to Huntington and they'd replaced the HUB with a dorm called "The Cornflower," which had a giant ear of corn statue outside. I asked Jacob why they did that, and he said, "Oh, they're just trying to appease the corn gods."
Elizabeth just informed us that the only sci-fi movie she's ever seen is "Mr. Spaceman Goes Zoom Zoom Doc Doc Brown." That's not even close to being the name of the movie. Even if it was, her claim would still be entirely untrue.
(Jennie has been watching Master Chef and giving us the highlights.)
Jennie: Oh dang one of the team leaders cut her finger and fainted. And when I say cut her finger, she was using the mandolin and forgot the guard.
Me: I have no idea what those terms mean as far as cooking. All I can imagine is that she is playing a song on a mandolin in a castle and forgot there was a castle guard around the corner, and he was surprised by her mandolin playing and cut her finger.
You have all learned something today. Surprise mandolin playing hurts people. Don't do it.
I tried to send Jacob a text message about the Doctor Who Christmas episode having evil snow, and for various reasons he got it twice. Then this happened.
Jacob: Now I know it twice!
Me: Here, you can know it again: EVIL SNOW EVIL SNOW EVIL SNOW!
Jacob: Nope, I just got dyslexia and learned that live owns vile wons slive now.
Goodness, I've been posting a lot of links this past week. I should come up with interesting things of my own to say instead. Hmm. Well, I had a dream that Tina Fey wrote an 8,000-page book on how to become a priest. That was fun.
Elizabeth: Ugh! I don't like this parking lot! Or parking store! Or whatever it's called!
Me: "Parking store"? Why would you even call it a parking store?
Elizabeth: Well, because there's parking. And... it's not a store.
Her logic is always a fascinating thing.
Jennie: Does this look like a good scanner?
(She shares a link.)
Me: I don't have any knowledge of chips.
Me: Er... I mean scanners.
Me: My siblings were talking about chips as I typed that sentence.
Jennie: I KNOW NOTHING OF DORITOS
Jennie: WHAT ARE THESE PRINGLES YOU SPEAK OF?
An ad for some video game said, "Make your nightmares come true on Halloween." If we're going by last night's nightmares, that means Jacob and I are going on vacation to Barbados today and at first we will have a lovely time hanging out next to a little stream but then he's going to get mad at me because I drank out of the same side of the stream as he did and apparently that's unhygienic.
(Trying to identify movie characters by just their hair on a Sporcle quiz last night)
Me and Elizabeth: That's Jesus!
Dad: I tried that, and it's not the right answer.
Nathan: Actually, I think it's Rambo.
Mom: Those two are SO similar!
Uh, so I just realized I've been under the impression all day that I've been to Canada. I haven't. I think I had a dream about it last night. This came up when I saw an old blog where I said I wanted to travel outside the country, and I thought, "Oh, I've done that, because I went to Canada! ...No, I didn't!"
Last night's dream: The whole family went to "a live performance of the Katy Perry movie," which, yeah, ended up being pretty much just a Katy Perry concert. There was a large square of dirt in the middle of the auditorium floor, and she told us all to feel free to do some gardening while we listened to her songs. So that was nice.
Jacob and I just spent like ten minutes trying to remember the name of the last book in the Twilight series. Our guesses included "Midnight Dawn," "Waking Dawn," "Sparkly Dawn," "Sex Dawn," and "Dawning Dawn."
Did you know if you shoot the person sitting next to the pilot in a helicopter, the helicopter will explode in mid-air and plummet to the earth where it will explode again? These are the things I learn from James Bond.
A minute ago, Elizabeth slowly woke up, looked at me and the first thing she said was, "If a guy was a genius dude, and he kept skipping through time because he was allergic to something, would you assume it was a watch or toothpaste?" Turns out she had been having a weird dream. I thought maybe she was still in it.
Listening to the radio yesterday, I finally heard the lyrics to "Don't You Worry Child" by Swedish House Mafia. Or, well, more accurately, I heard these lyrics: "Don't you worry, don't you worry, child, Diego's gonna pray for you." So now in my mind it's about some mighty prayer warrior named Diego. When he prays, stuff HAPPENS.
Elizabeth: Hold on, what are the C's of diamonds? Cut and carat... Classicness? Covered in oil?
Yup. Covered in oil. That's the one.
(Jacob's right eye had been bothering him all day)
Jacob: What if I have to get my eye amputated, and I have to get an eye patch?
Me: Well... at least you'll look cool with an eye patch then.
Jacob: (excitedly) I KNOW! And I could get an eye patch that made it look like tentacles were coming out of my eye! That would be so cool!
Trying to catch up on American Idol. In this girl's introduction video, she said she was a sophomore, but I thought she introduced herself by saying, "I'm [whoever] from [wherever], and I'm a size four," which seemed like really unnecessary information.
NaNo excerpt of the day:
"I don't know," King Arthur said, "this is not an adventure for the faint of heart."
"I am not faint of heart," Katrina said. She instantly burst into song and sang three Italian arias before she finally stopped.
"You are right, no one faint of heart can sing those arias like that," King Arthur said. "You may come with us."
Because that's how that works.
When someone says, "Wow, Chekov gets picked on a lot," the theater nerd and the sci fi nerd in my brain have to work together to figure out whether they're referring to Anton Chekhov or Pavel Chekov. (I should have trusted their spelling. It was Pavel.)
When I am all alone in the house, I can sing as loudly and obnoxiously as I want without feeling at all self-conscious when I only know about every other word to the songs. "It's been two years since I let you go, a ga boo la ba joo ba dee ba rock and roll!"
The beginning of my phone call with Jessica Lyn Murphy went as follows:
Jessica: Hi! ...I was going to say, "Well, hello, Madame Hannah," but that's not what came out.
Me: That's OK. I can just pretend you said it.
Jessica: Well, technically, I guess I did.
I have *missed* her. It was a good chat time today
Elizabeth is just super quotable tonight. Her, a second ago: I need... computer plablet!
All of us: Computer plablet?
Her: I mean fingernail clippers!
(Playing Last Word. The subject was Things That Are Flat, the letter was T.)
Me: What? "Tom"? What makes Tom flat?
Elizabeth: Well, you should see him!
Every time Elizabeth walks into our room she throws herself face down on her mattress. I always have a moment where I wonder if she's angry or sad, but, no, it turns out she just really likes plopping face down on soft surfaces.
When writing about phone specs, it's really important to not confuse decimal points with apostrophes. This is the third time today I've accidentally typed that the Samsung Galaxy S 4 Mini will have a screen that is 4'3". Which is... unlikely.
Well, during my nap I dreamed that NLDC told Bethany she had to leave them to work for President Obama, but in reality they had just hired Gregory Peck and Cary Grant to kill her. I was trying to help save her, and in the process they knocked four of my teeth out. I remember thinking, "Wait, I've lost teeth before!" (Because I have, in other dreams.) "I don't feel any gaping holes in my mouth... My teeth must grow back together! But, wait... maybe those were all dreams! OH, NO, MY TEETH ARE GONE FOREVER!"
This morning I was singing what was stuck in my head: "Have yourself a very little Christmas." And then I realized those aren't the lyrics. I think I subconsciously want everyone else's Christmas to be smaller than mine so that mine will be THE BEST.
Just referred to "a healthy pair of teeth" on Textbroker. If you only have a pair of teeth, they might not be that healthy.
Best conversation of the week. I miss this crowd.
Tim: I'm using speech to text but it doesn't understand my address
Me: If I use speech to text, my address is almost the exact same.
Jonathan: Yes but Tim lives on supercalifragilisticexpialidocious lane
Me: Well, that would be a problem, because my speech to text apparently translates that as "What caliber to be a little."
Tim: The irony is that I live on what caliber be a little drive
Me: MY PHONE KNEW
Nathan and Rebekah and I have just spent 15 minutes doing jazz hands. After a while your hands just start twitching and you can't do anything anymore. This had some very amusing results. This is how we spend our evenings.
After reading my scathing review of the really, really awful book "The Quest for Forgiveness," my awesome friend Travis sent me another by the same author so I can snark it on my blog. Then this exchange happened.
Me: Opening sentence: "The fury of the restless waves pounded the cliffs as the scientists fought desperately for a cure." This is gonna be a fun ride.
Me: I was not kidding about the writing.
Travis: I feel like maybe I've been too hard on myself and the viability of my own prospects as a real writer.
There's a bug over by the TV that looks and moves like a spider, except, uh, it occasionally flies. I'm not terrified. I'm definitely not going to hide under my Snuggie until I forget it's over there.
How my Swedish-speaking friend began his status update: "3, 6, 5, 8."
What Bing Translate told me he was saying: "3, 4, 5, 8."
There's a can in our bathroom that says "Burn Relief Continuous Spray." I guess you better be REALLY sure when you want to use it, because once you start spraying it, it can't be stopped.
I just had a dream that the plot of Shakespeare's Richard III revolved around a sea serpent, the Statue of Liberty, and accusations that Richard was sleeping with a robot. Looks like Shakespeare missed out on writing what could have been the most awesome play ever.
Writing an article about dental health for Textbroker. I almost didn't catch this spoonerism before I submitted the article: "Your dentist means it when he tells you to drop stinking soda."
I dreamed that I finally got in to see a doctor, and he said, "So, have you tried acupuncture? I have arthritis in one finger, and they say acupuncture is the way to go. Here, try it." He grabbed a pin out of his drawer and showed me his arthritic finger, and tried to get me to stab it with the pin, even though I REALLY DID NOT want to.
Last night, Elizabeth was showing us a booklet she got at Dare 2 Share that she said smelled bad. I smelled it and said that it didn't smell bad, but that, somehow, it smelled like Christian music from the early 2000s. Nathan smelled it and agreed. We have no idea how or why, and Bekah and Dad have no idea what we're talking about.
I had tuna for lunch. That's healthy! As long as we don't mention the part where I followed it up with several forkfuls of chocolate frosting!
I had my first wedding stress dream last night! I dreamed we were getting married in a circus tent, and I didn't want to wear my dress yet but I couldn't find a place to put it without it getting dirty, because the tent had a dirt floor that was pretty much covered in elephant poop.
(I'm in the kitchen, Mom's in the living room)
Me: So I learned this morning that a LOT of European countries have or had colonies in the Caribbean.
Mom: Like Norway?
Me: Well, no, but the Netherlands had a bunch.
Mom: OH MY GOODNESS HOW ARE YOU?
Mom: YOU NEED TO COME HOME!
(Turns out she was calling Dad as I was talking to her and the last two sentences were to him. But I was very confused for a bit.)
Elizabeth told us today that she didn't want to watch "Mr. Spaceman and all the 'Hey, we're funny!'" She was referring to a TV show. Can any of you guess what it was?
(The answer was 30 Rock.)
Sarah meant to send me a smiley, but she sent me a :" face instead, which she says looks like a cat with half its whiskers shaved off. I am now trying to think of conversations in which "cat with half-shaved whiskers" would be an appropriate emoticon. Suggestions?
While proofreading this Textbroker article, I discovered my suggestion that people decorate their front porches with planets in old containers. That is not really a feasible decorating tip.
My fortune cookie: "You are smart, for you do things smartly." Good to know.
Alfie Boe's version of "A Living Prayer" sounded gorgeous and inspirational until I was sure I heard these lyrics: "In your love I find release, a three-foot frog along my seat." Turns out the line is really "A haven from my unbelief," but it had me very confused for a moment.
Watching the Oscars and chatting with the Rinkies, who are much more intelligent and awesome than the crazies in the chat section of the live stream I'm watching. A sample: "Did anybody even actually see Lincoln?" "Tom Hardy should have been nominated for Bane!" "Adele is pregnant lol."
(We were watching YouTube videos on the TV.)
Elizabeth: There should be a butt.
(We all look at her, confused. She looks mortified, then confused, then says very deliberately...)
Elizabeth: I mean, there should be a mute button.
I got back from my visit to find seven Jack Chick tracts randomly sitting on my bed. Is my family trying to tell me something?