A Brief Musing on Church

About a week ago I was listening to a podcast where someone had been discussing the community she used to find in church and then transitioned to discussing the community she found in the comedy scene, but then that got a disclaimer as well. She said something along the lines of, "Some people think you should put the community above everything, and I'm like, 'No, that community isn't going to protect me.'"

And it was like a punch to the gut with the realization that that's been exactly the feeling I've had about the church for years now.

The church is not going to protect me.

It's so obviously not going to protect me. Never in any of my years growing up did that ever even cross my mind as a possible function of the church.

And yet, I feel like that must be an element of any true community. Protection, security, safety, the sense that you can go in there and be all right because the people there are on your side. Because that's when you grow.

I have never felt like anyone in church was on my side.

In all my deepest struggles, my most passionate moments, so many times the church immediately jumped to spouting out verses to prove me wrong, rather than protection -- wrapping their arms around me (metaphorically, anyway) and keeping me safe. I think it comes out of a desire to see people do the "right" thing, and the idea that tough love is the truest love, and so any time they see me going down a path that is not what they believe is right for them they have the urge to fix it. I think it CAN be well-intentioned... but it makes it not safe. There have been so many times where I'm TRYING to follow God the best I know how, only to be abandoned by his people because I like an Eminem song or I learn from a Rob Bell book or I vote for a Democrat or I have a tough time going to church. (All things that have actually become huge rifts between me and other Christians.)

This is one of the many reasons I have so much baggage dealing with it now. Church is a battleground for me. Church is a place where I must be ready at any moment to protect myself, because those around me won't help me. Stepping into my church puts me on the defensive. And since I only hear from God in moments of openness and vulnerability, and I can never let down my guard in church, I can never hear from God in church.