A Silly Sisters Conversation

I'm having a little trouble staying caught up with the blog this week, so here for today is a goofy conversation I had with my sister Bethany yesterday. There's some important relationship advice in here!

(The conversation starts off as we're discussing Vanilla Sky.)

Bethany: I think I would've enjoyed it more if I had seen it on my own
Bethany: But by the time it got to the end, I thought the plot was very interesting
Bethany: And he did a good job

Me: He meaning Tom Cruise?

Bethany: Yeah4
Bethany: -4

Me: LOL, I thought you were grading him.
Me: "He did a good job. -4."

Bethany: Haha. What do I rate the people I hate?

Me: -4 BILLION

Bethany: And what's my highest? Do I ever get above -?

Me: God gets a 2.
Me: Your future husband and children will be a 0.

Bethany: LOL

Me: Close friends and family members now are -1.

Bethany: Hey, who says that my family and friends are less than my husbands and children?

Me: *shrug* I dunno, I figured they would be.
Me: Jacob ranks higher than my friends and family.

Bethany: YOU'RE SAYING THAT TOM CRUISE IS ONLY 3 BEHIND FRIENDS AND FAMILY? I do NOT like him that much!

Me: LOL
Me: But HE DID A GOOD JOB!

Bethany: But not THAT good!

Me: Well, maybe you typoed and you meant to say -14 for Tom.

Bethany: And yeah, I guess they will definitely be higher than my friends. I can't say over family until I marry somebody who actually IS over my family. I'm sure they will be.

Me: Yeah, ranking people in order of how much you like them is a little weird.
Me: I mean for me Jacob is definitely my favorite of all the people. haha... but I don't feel bad telling anyone that.

Bethany: Haha, well that works. I haven't found my favorite of all the people other than my own family yet... but maybe that will be a defining thing about whenever I DO find a guy. If I don't like him more than/at least as much as families, then I can't marry him.
Bethany: *MY family

Me: AS MUCH AS ALL FAMILIES EVERYWHERE

Bethany: THAT'S WAY TOO BROAD
Bethany: And unhelpful
Bethany: If I don't like him better than the Bluth family, than I DEFINITELY shouldn't marry him

Me: LOL LOL
Me: "Things to look for in a husband:
1. I like him more than the Bluths."

Bethany: LOL
Bethany: I think I should set my standards a little higher

Me: Well, that's just the first of 942 things on the list.

Bethany: LOL

Me: "544. Wears size 10 1/2 shoes.
545. Sometimes dreams about Disneyland.
546. Has never known anyone named Curtis."

Bethany: LOL
Bethany: I like your suggestions. But not because I'm going to use them.

Me: Fine.

Bethany: Hey, if YOU want to write out a list of 942 things for me, I can compare the next guy to that and see how well he matches up

Me: LOL
Me: Well, that dreaming-about-Disneyland thing is going on there.

Chats From the Past

Sorry I didn't return on Monday as I said I would. I slept for 12 hours on Monday instead. It was a long weekend. A good one, but a long one.

While I was visiting Jacob in Indiana, I had no Internet, so when he was off at work I watched a lot of movies and downloaded TV... and also did some digging through old computer documents. One of the things I found was a series of old AIM chat logs with my good friend Sarah, from back when I was 18 or so. Sarah is one of those people whose sense of humor often perfectly coincides with mine, and some of these chats made me laugh so hard that I knew I had to share them with you guys.

I present... Sarah and Hannah, circa 2005.

The Feud Between Sarah and Singer Lauren Kennedy

Sarah: I do have something against Lauren Kennedy though. She told me I could mail her the liner notes to her CD and she'd autograph them. I sent them to her and still have not gotten them back from her
Me: Maybe she lost her liner notes and needed some to keep.
Me: The least she could do then, though, is send you an autographed picture or something.
Sarah: Yeah seriously
Me: Heh
Me: Or better yet
Me: Show up at your house and sing an original song for you called "Thank You For the Liner Notes, I Hope It's Okay I Stole Them"

Unusual Song Choices

Me: Hazard a guess what my 6th-most-played song is on iTunes.

Sarah: Hmmm

Me: The top 5 are all from Music & Lyrics.

Me: LOL.

Sarah: LOL

Me: The 7th is "Come Up To My Office" from Parade.

Me: Shiksa Goddess is 11th for some reason.

Me: And number six is.........

Sarah: Dang, I was gonna guess SG

Me: The "Kanine Krunchies" jingle from the movie 101 Dalmatians.

Sarah: LOL!!!!!

Sarah: ExcUse me??

Me: Why? I don't know!

Sarah: Over Shiksa Goddess????

Sarah: Sadness

Sarah: *goes to check what her most played song on Itunes is*

Sarah: Goodness. Whatever. Mine is "The Aba Daba Honeymoon" so who am I to talk??

Speaking French

(Sarah was going to be visiting me shortly)

Me: And if ye want you can come to my music appreciation and French classes in the morning. Heh. Twill be exciting stuff *nod*

Sarah: Aah and then I can sit back and feel so happy that *I* no longer have to study french *grins*

Me: LOL

Me: Indeed

Me: But you can't give it up entirely

Me: Because I INTEND TO SPEAK TO YOU IN FRENCH

Sarah: LOL

Me: And it's possible that I may offer Adam to you and you won't know what I'm saying and you'll be all like "No thank you" and then I'll be like "bwahahahaHAHAHA I win".

(Adam = Adam Pascal, a celebrity we both liked very much. I had claimed him as my celebrity boyfriend at the time.)

Sarah: LOL!!

Sarah: I'll have to listen very carefully if I hear a sentence with the word "Adam" in it

Me: Ah well I'll have to be sneaky then

Sarah: If I do then I'll just say "J'adore Adam" to play it safe...

Save the Last Snooky

Sarah: LOL I totally agree with your Save the Last Dance review... that's exactly the way it impressed me

Sarah: Except we call it "Save the last Snooky"

Me: Heh. Good to see we're on the same page

Me: LOL!

Me: Snooky?

Sarah: Yeah one of the character's is called that, and Naomi kept thinking a bunch of the characters were him cause she couldn't distinguish him

Sarah: "Oh THAT one is Snooky! No, No wait..."

Sarah: *snookies

Sarah: Actually is the name 

Me: LOL I forgot him

Sarah: Naomi couldn't figure out the plot and for some reason she thought he was the villian

Sarah: Cause he has maybe one scene

The Best Hymn of All Time

Sarah: Our church here is just.... wow.

Sarah: :-D

Me: LOL

Me: "wow" meaning....?

Me: ;-)

Sarah: Once we sang a "hymn" called: "Lutheran Women One and All"

Sarah: =-O

Me: *cracks up*

Me: Were the men allowed to sing

Me: ?

Sarah: LOL Yes they were supposed to! Isn't that.... odd?

Sarah: My Dad just closed the song book and stared at the ceiling during that song

.

.

.

Me: We were singing "Here I Am To Worship" this week (a REALLY popular modern worship song)

Me: which is actually a pretty decent song

Sarah: Haven't heard/sung it

Me: But there's this one part that goes "And I'll never know how much it cost / To see my sin upon that cross"

Me: And I started thinking about it...

Me: AND IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE

Me: It didn't cost ANYONE to SEE the sin 

Sarah: LOL!!

Sarah: *cracks up*

Me: And the "I" of the song certainly didn't see it

Me: It cost something to get the sin THERE. Seeing it has nothing to do with it.

Sarah: Hmmm... and I thought "Lutheran Women, coast to coast, we are indeed a might host" was a pretty bad rhyme

Me: *cracks up*

Sarah: Makes them sound like locusts

Sarah: :-D

Sarah: brb just a sec

Me: okee

Sarah: I have returned. Stronger and more powerful then ever before *nods*

Me: OH NO

Me: It's because you are a LUTHERAN WOMAN

Me: COAST TO COAST

Sarah: LOL!!!

Me: YOU ARE INDEED A MIGHTY HOST

Me: lol

Sarah: *cracks up*

Sarah: THAT'S RIGHT!

Sarah: /flex

Me: But do the men get to sing anything?

Me: about themselves, that is

Sarah: You know you are right... I don't think there is a "Lutheran Men" song

Sarah: Pretty sexist if you ask me

Me: "Lutheran men stand proud and tall, don't sing that other song at all."

Sarah: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah: You could write hymns for our church Hannah!!

Me: LOL

Me: I could indeed *grin*

Me: "Lutheran women have their songs, but we don't have to sing along"

Sarah: LOL!!!!!!!!

Sarah: You have the gift!

Me: "We are mighty, we are great, all you people celebrate"

Sarah: *cracks up* You want to know what the really sad thing is? That really sounds legit *grins*

Me: LOL

Me: "Wait a minute, I don't see - why're we singing about ME?"

Me: :-P

Sarah: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah: I like this song

Me: "Why is God not in these hymns? So much for the Lutheran men."

Me: THE END

Sarah: LOL!!!!!! BRILLIANT!

Me: You should sing that next time you go

Sarah: *applaudes*

Sarah: Seriously should Lol

Me: I think I've improved it

Me: at least God makes an appearance now

Sarah: *laughs* That's right!

Sarah: It's not a hymn to ourselves like "Lutheran Women one and all"

Time Travel Mouth Man! (aka Worst Superhero Ever)

I had a whole different blog planned for today, but this conversation just happened, so that blog is getting pushed to Monday because this was too much fun to not share immediately.

This is a combination of a discussion I had on RinkChat with my friend Heather, and a series of Facebook status comments between myself, my friend Travis, and my sister Bekah. Fun fact: despite the fact that very few of my friends actually blog, these three all have blogs of some sort, so I've linked to them via their names.

Here goes:

The long version of the story that started it all, as told in RinkChat:


Me: Ha, also, since you didn't see this on Facebook, this is the discussion we had during tonight's dinner date, and which has continued in even more detail on Facebook: What would it be like if your mouth could reverse time? Like if you put food in your mouth and it got younger and younger until it reverted back to its original ingredients? What kind of implications would this have?
Me: But with everything, not just food. My favorite implications with this included eating raisins (he gave me the mental image of a baby shoving like 30 raisins in its mouth and then freaking out when the raisins suddenly doubled in size as they turned into grapes), throwing up (I said something about being sick, and then we both said at the same time, "BUT THEN IT WOULD TURN BACK INTO FOOD") and sucking your thumb (a child with this power who did this would always have a baby thumb, even as a grown adult).

The conversation, as continued on Facebook.

Travis: Awesome! I would never have to fear expiration dates again!

Me: Yeah, we decided this would be great for someone who has to scavenge for food in dumpsters.

Travis: You could start with chicken and end with eggs!

Ticia: You'd probably be a very popular kisser.

Ticia didn't continue the conversation, and I don't know of a blog she has, so that's why I didn't mention her at the beginning.

Travis: Take your time; wash your cottage cheese down with some milk!

Bekah: You could feed people fish and they'd be all, "hey, look, caviar!" and you'd look all rich and cool.

Me: WAIT, you mean feed them fish that had been in your mouth already? That does NOT make you look rich and cool.

Travis: If you think feeding people something that had been in your mouth doesn't make you look rich and cool, then there are clearly parts of the Internet you just haven't explored.

Bekah: Well, I meant more like they'd call it caviar because...wait, that only works if they had the power too. Besides, you wouldn't TELL them you'd put it in your mouth.

Me: I think that counts as using your power for... really strange evil.

Bekah: Well, if you're going for a more straightforward, money-hungry evil, you could always make a bunch of caviar and sell it. Then you really WOULD be rich and cool. Well, rich.

Travis: I think if you had this power, it would be a message that God wanted you to profit by it.

Me: I was thinking food sanitation inspector would be a fitting job for this kind of person. They could just eat the food and figure out whether what it came from was healthy or not. I mean, it would be disgusting, but it would be using it for the better of others. I think I have the idea for my next NaNoWriMo... (Incidentally, we also discussed what if you had this power but then your stomach sped time back up.)

Bekah: If you ate something poisoned, would it revert back to being not-poisoned? 'Cause that would be useful. Or would you just be eating really young poison?

Me: Well, it would probably depend on the poison, if it's only poisonous when mixed to be so. Eating something poisoned would certainly separate it out into poison and previously unpoisoned food. However, this would only be useful if you kept it in your mouth, and if you did that in the first place with poisonous food, the poison wouldn't get into your system anyway.

Travis: I look forward to hearing about your progress in November.

Bekah: Also, Nathan pointed out that if you get hurt you could ACTUALLY kiss it and make it better.

And now, the conversation with Heather, when I shared it with her:

Heather: LOL LOL LOL

Heather: You could neverr kiss anyone, either.

Me: Well, we decided it really only worked if something was IN your mouth, not just touching it. So he pointed out that kissing wouldn't necessarily do that unless there was tongue action, in which case you would youngify their tongues.

Heather: Man, THAT would be creepy, LOL.

Me: RIGHT?

Heather: Wait, would it work on YOUR OWN TONGUE?

Me: OH MY GOSH

Me: PROBABLY

Me: AND YOUR TEETH

Me: THAT WOULD SUCK

Heather: You'd be losing your baby teeth FOREVER.

Heather: And just think of getting braces. Eventually, the metal would turn back into ore, which would turn back into rock. YOU WOULD HAVE BOULDERS IN YOUR MOUTH.

Me: LOL LOL

Me: I am going to collect the discussions on FB and here about it and post them all on my blog.

Heather: LOL

Heather: I wonder about juice, too. Would it turn back into chunks of fruit?

Me: Yeah, I think so. And if you then kept it in there longer, the fruit would turn back to seeds.

Heather: My brain is spinning.

Me: My sister Rebekah ended up with this WEIRD idea where you could eat fish and then feed guests caviar that you made in your own mouth.

Heather: WHOAEWWWW

Me: If she thinks this is acceptable party host etiquette, I am NEVER going to a party she hosts.

Me: She insists it's OK because she wouldn't TELL them that's where it came from.

Heather: LOL LOL

Heather: Uhm, yeaaaaah, suuuuure...

Heather: I was just thinking about language. We'd all think in the modern version of English but end up speaking like William Shatner.

Heather: SHAKESPEARE

Heather: William SHAKESPEARE

Heather: William Shatner takes so long to speak that he'd probably end up sounding like Beowulf.

Me: LOL LOL

Me: William Shakespeare climbeth a mountain. Why climbeth Shakespeare a mountain?

This. THIS, my dear readers, is why I love nerd culture. I love being friends with people who overanalyze everything and come up with every possible implication of every crazy hypothetical you throw at them. It's wonderful knowing I am not the only one who spends a ridiculous amount of time thinking about these things. (Fun example story: I had a week or two in high school where I used to figure out all the different weapons we could use to defend ourselves if giant spiders tore the roof of our house with their giant spider legs and tried to kill us. This was, fortunately, a week during my little brothers' obsession with archery, so I figured we could shoot knives at it with bows, since we didn't have any ACTUAL arrows.)

Feel free to comment with your own list of horrifying implications of this awful superpower.