Friday, February 1, 2013

Movie Reviews by Jessie

One of the movie websites I frequented most in high school was Flixster. (I still use it some now, although much less than I used to.) It let you write movie reviews and rate the flicks you've seen, and encourages social interaction with other users on the site.

Then, one day, I discovered Jessie. She was clearly one of Flixster's younger users, although I never quite figured out quite how young. She had an iffy grasp on English spelling and grammar, as well as a habit of reviewing movies she'd never seen... but she certainly had plenty of opinions. I shared her profile with a group of my good online friends, and we loved reading the many mini-reviews she wrote and giggling about them. Her profile's still up on Flixster, so I figured I'd share a few of my favorites.

If Jessie ever somehow finds this blog, may I say to her: I'm sure you've grown up into a wonderful person. Hopefully you've kept your love of movies and continued to articulate what you loved about them. Just also know you once brought great joy to a snarky group of people. :-)

On to the reviews.
Cold Mountain - i watched this movie but i did not think that it was as good as it could have been. i think that if i gave it potential it did not reach it. well anyway the acting was great but i thought that the plot was poorly portrayed.
I didn't realize that I was the one handing out potential to movies.
The Perfect Holiday - well i love the holidays and holiday movies. I think iwould like this movie because i just would.
Good enough reason for me.
The Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines - I loved this movie so much. I think these riveting stories are so interesting and i truly enjoy the wonder and mystery of a libraian on the search for a great mystery
Well, who doesn't enjoy the mystery of a librarian looking for a mystery?
Little Mermaid 3 - great classic disney movie snd just as the two before it a total classic with an awesome story line and meaning. such an exquisite tale of love in a form people of all ages an understand. one of my favorites.
One of the most entertaining things about Jessie is her loose grasp of the word "classic." She applies to just about everything.
Live Free or Die Hard - I saw the last half of this and i am dying to see the whole movie through. [...] I reccomend this movie for any thriller movie seekers because i left the theatre satisfies with what i saw, all wuestions answered and a smile on my face. WATCH IT. 
She only watched the last half of the movie but all her questions were answered? Were those questions like, "What happened in the first half of the movie?"
1408 - a bit scary but i'll bite,
This review wouldn't be that confusing except for the fact that she ranked it half a star, while the review sounds like a fairly positive review of a movie she hasn't actually seen yet.
License to Wed - I am such a comedy person and i would appreciate a funny film like this. First of all Mandy Moore and Robin Williams have played in some of the best movies i have ever seen. Anyone in movies with them must be talented and i think i would enjoy it immensley. LOOKS HILARIOUS>
I don't even know where to begin with this one.
Apparently "comedy people" are the only ones able to appreciate funny films.
I'll grant you that Robin Williams has been in some pretty great movies. But I have a terrible feeling she's basing her love of Mandy Moore off of A Walk to Remember.
Also, did you know that anyone who is in movies with talented people is also talented? Because sometimes those talented people sneeze on the non-talented people and they catch the talent.
Transformers - Anyway i would like to see how the cars actually transform since i could never figure it out.
This is just a portion of the review, but I like the idea of her sitting, puzzled in her room, thinking, "How do cars turn into robots? I just can't figure it out! If only there was a movie to show me!"
Stardust - Now this movie looks intersting but i am also not into the whole fantasy thing so once again not sure if i would like it. I know i want to see it but i am not sure if it is worth it. Although i have heard extremely good things so i think i could find pure satisfaction by watching this thriller.
Did she just change her mind halfway through her review?
Hairspray - Well now i am not sure if i want to see this. i would have to see the first version of the movie first to make a biased decision. 
And we all need to make sure our decisions are as biased as possible.
Spider-Man 3 - I went and saw this movie te day after it came out!!!! It was so popular we got some of the last 20 tickets left in the county!!!! The movie was so good.... I think it was the best of all. it had a really good plot, it had its moments, good and bad, i really think that the thirs movies are the best of theother two. This movie was the best Spider-MAn and i highly reccomend it to anyone looking foward to a good plot, great action, expertly crafted moments and THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This one is most fun if you read it out loud.
Man on the Moon - Jim Carrey is so funny and i believe that the description they give of the movie, shows the sheer hularity the film with probably show. I mean he plays a character that is dead and i coud not read the rest but i think he will make the character very witty and funny!
The sentence "Jim Carrey plays a character that is dead" does tend to convey sheer "hularity." What more do you even need to read?
Miracle on 34th Street - Also Elizabeth perkins was in Matilda and Mrs.Doughtfire when she was onle 10 and 3!!!!!!!!!!!! She is an amazing actress but i have not seen much of her lately.
Maybe because you're looking for Elizabeth Perkins rather than Mara Wilson?
Meet the Robinsons - My little sister wants to see this movie but i do not think it looks very good. It is kind of like another version of Annie but with a guy who travels in the future, while Annie just goes somewhere else. The two movies have the same concept though and i think that is cantradicting the old version. Anyway the only good thing i have to say is that it looks funnier than Annie but in a big way, much much stupider!
Jessie also has some interesting ideas about remakes and sequels. Sometimes she states vehemently that she hates them, sometimes she proclaims them to be the best thing ever because she just can't get enough of them. And sometimes she decides things are remakes that have nothing to do with each other and then complains about them contradicting each other.
Babe: Pig in the City - i am not a real country gal so i was not too intersting in it but i must say it was a generally better movie than i thought it would be. the little pig travels to the city but because he is a country pig everything is new and unusual and he has to figure out what the heck he is doing. well i thought it was good when i saw it but ........
The review ends there. We are left in suspense!

All righty. I've poked through about half of Jessie's reviews. Let's save the rest for another blog, shall we? Indeed we shall.


  1. I very rarely laugh aloud at anything I read, but I laughed throughout just about the entirety of this piece.

    1. Jessie: Bringing joy to movie lovers everywhere.