Monday, May 27, 2013

Posts From the Past: The Saga of Girl Who Has Unrequited Love For Boy...With Lots of Spaces

Originally posted August 18, 2008. For a while I did this thing where I made fun of the terribly dramatic stories people posted on MySpace all the time. Then I stopped using MySpace and all that tapered off. I may have to repost some of them here, because they were hilariously awful. Here is one of them. Comments in bold are my snarky comments.

Girl: Hey.

A long time later, according to the thousands of pauses...
Boy: What?
Girl: I really like you. And I... I think I'm falling in love with you.

Another long pause...
Boy: Ok...
Girl: What do you mean "ok"?
Boy: I don't like you like that...
Girl: Why not?
Boy: "I don't know. None can tell where and who love will strike." I can't tell you... maybe another time... "When I've figured out a good excuse."
From then on, the girl kept asking the boy "Why not?" whenever she saw him, because THAT'S the way to prove to him you're an amazing person and not an annoying twerp and he kept answering the same answer of "I'll tell you later. To which she always responded, "Is it later yet? Huh? Huh? Is it later yet?"

Years later...
Finally the girl got fed up.

Girl: I'm tired of this! Tell me why you don't like me!
Boy: Do you really wanna know why?
Girl: Yes!
Boy: It's because you're uglier than ****! He was going to tell her this later? When did he think would be a good time for this? What's the point of going out with someone when they're not pretty?! Hello, Monsieur Shallow.
Girl: But... I...
Boy: Just shut up and leave me alone! (Knowing he loved her to but was afraid of what his friends would think) WHAT THE. I hate it when people do this in bulletins. I suppose people do it in real life, too. And I hate that as well.
The boy leaves and the girl is sitting there alone, crying her heart out. Then her cell phone rings

Note all the time indicating she's picked up the phone.
Girl: Hello?
Mom: Sweetheart? I want you to go home, ok? "I don't want you to stay infinitely wherever you are." I'll be home from work in a few hours.

She deliberates...
Girl: Alright Mom. Well, at least it was the Alright Mom. The Not-So-Cool Mom wouldn't have even bothered to call.

Mom: I love you.
Awww. That's Alright Mom, all right!

Girl: I love you too, Mom.

Mom: Bye Bye.

Presumably this was where the girl got "Bye Bye Bye" stuck in her head, or perhaps "Bye Bye Blackbird," and was singing it softly in her mind as she debated how much energy she wanted to spend on angsting herself to death.

Girl: Bye
Meanwhile, Alright Mom's on the other end of the phone wondering why in the world it took Girl so long to say bye.
The girl heads home and once she got there, she went in the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror.

What do YOU think Girl looked like? Draw your own picture here! Don't forget to color her hair!

Girl: I'm not pretty enough...
She set to work, knowing fully well what she was going to do. I'm glad she didn't set to work, having no idea what she was going to do. That frequently leads to chaos.



Two hours later, her mom came home and heard the bath water running.
Oh, boy. Here it comes.

She walks v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y up the stairs...

She went upstairs to find the hallway flooded so she knocked on the door.
"Dear? Have you realized you flooded the hallway?"
"Why, no, Mother. Thank you for letting me know this."
Sheesh. I would have just barged in. For pete's sake, if the hallway's flooding, something's terribly wrong.

Mom: Honey? Are you alright?
She opened the door and was shocked at the site. It was a website dedicated to flooding hallways! Alright Mom would never have guessed her little Girl could be involved in something so nefarious! The bath was overflowing onto the floor, and the water was tinted red. She walked over to see what was inside and screamed. There, her little girl was lying with cuts all over her face and wrists. Her Mom backed away and was going to run to call the police Don't bother dragging her out of the water or anything when something caught her eye.

What was it? OH PLEASE TELL ME!

On the mirror were these words written in blood: "Am I pretty enough now?" That's a lot of blood to write that entire sentence. And yet she still had strength to walk over to the bathtub, turn it on (maybe it was on already) and calmly lie down in it to drown.
No one deserves to be told that by someone they love. I agree. Nobody deserves to be asked if they're pretty enough now. If you find it messed up then forward this to everyone you know. What counts is their heart inside of them and their personality. And whether they forward MySpace bulletins. No one wants to be told they're not good enough... So please don't make the author of this bulletin feel like they wrote something insubstantial!
Repost this in five minutes, saying, "NO GIRL DESERVES TO BE TOLD THIS" or something bad will happen to you tomorrow Ah, if I could count the deaths I'm supposed to die because of not reposting things...

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