A Collection of Dreams

I'd hoped to have the next 2 installments of The Quest For Skye ready to post during wedding and honeymoon weeks, but nope, that didn't happen. So here's a stand-in blog until then. The Quest For Skye returns Friday, July 19.

I have the weirdest dreams, guys. The weirdest dreams EVER. Sometimes I talk to people who say, "Oh, I know what you mean, I have crazy dreams all the time! Like I'm in high school again, and I'm taking Spanish, but it's taught by my old math teacher! OH MAN, THAT WAS CRAZY!" And I just have to shake my head and say, "No, you really have no idea."

I thought I'd share a collection of some of the ones I've written down. Every so often I try to keep a dream blog but it never stays consistent, so these are spread throughout the last 10 years or so.

On with the dreams.

* * *

I dreamed that Vince Vaughn was wandering around my house being super obnoxious, and finally he got a hold of a bunch of those little fruit-shaped Wonka candies, but I knew that the orange ones were really child sedatives, and he ate a bunch of them and at first I freaked out but then I was so annoyed by him that I was like, "You know what? LET him eat child sedatives! At least it'll calm him down and shut him up!"

* * *

I dreamed that it was 3 days before my wedding, and I suddenly realized that, so I started jumping around excitedly. Suddenly I got notification from the government that because of a previous DUI, I wasn't allowed to jump. This sounded unreasonable to me, so I went to the courthouse and petitioned them to change that. They looked at my file and said, "Oh, that's really only supposed to apply to you not being allow to jump cars. Let's take that off your file and you'll be just fine."

* * *

I dreamed Philip Seymour Hoffman was doing a publicity stunt where he tried to pass himself off as an 8-year-old boy named Kenneth. He over to my house and played in our giant pool where he basically was a disgusting idiot and peed and vomited in it, but my parents wouldn't make him leave. They kept saying, "He's just a sad little boy with no family," and I was like, "He is NOT a sad little boy! He's PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN!"

* * *

I dreamed that I discovered that my friend Nate was somehow descended from a bowl of beans and rice and vegetables.

* * *

I dreamed that for the family reunion, we all went to go see a production of Cats. For some reason a guy I barely know from NLDC was there, too. When we got there and sat in our seats, the guy decided that the seats weren't good enough, so he stood up and yelled, "EVERYBODY MOVE DOWN SIX ROWS!" Surprisingly, everyone did, and we somehow ended up in the second row in some very good seats.

The play went on, but after the third song, the female lead stubbed her toe on something and proceeded to swear a bunch. My parents were both upset because all my little siblings were there. The actress apologized to all of us, although she did refer to us as "young hoodlum doodles." Then she began to cry about how terrible a show this was and how much she wished it were better. My uncle then helpfully told her all the things he didn't like about the show, but that she shouldn't feel bad about it. Somehow this did cheer her up and she managed to go on and finish the show.

* * *

I dreamed I was in an acting class. My professor turned on his cell phone and freaked out. I asked what was wrong, and it turns out he had ten new messages. "The last time that happened," he said, "they were calling to tell me that Billy Emu wasn't doing well in his education class... and the next day he was dead!" He was apparently very scared that someone else was dead.

Turns out in the end though, it was all just a student randomly calling because she was bored. My teacher was so relieved that nobody was dead that he ran up to her and hugged her and cried and said, "Don't ever do that to me again!"

* * *

I dreamed that Michael Jackson wanted to buy the church to use as his new dance studio. He and Janet Jackson were going to come and look over the church with their real estate agent, but every time he did, Nathan was sleeping on one of the pews. Michael thought that if he bought the church, Nathan would come with it, and he didn't want Nathan, so he refused to buy it. I was furious that Nathan had ruined the business deal. I remember there was a lot of sneaking around the church trying to stay out of people's way, and at one point I was trying desperately to wake Nathan up so he'd leave the sanctuary, but he refused to get up.

* * *

I had this very long dream. The earliest point in it I can remember is watching some weird reality show which was basically the American Idol judges just sitting around ranting about nothing in particular, telling anecdotes and stuff. Simon talked about this TV review paper he was a part of in England, called TTTRNA, which apparently stood for "Don't Let This Fashion Turn Into Rubbish About Your Life," which was their slogan and basically asked them to stay objective in their reviewing.

When I saw that, I thought, "TTTRNA, if you pronounce that 'Turna' it rhymes with 'Smyrna.'" And then I had a conversation with Dad about Bennifer and Brangelina, except at this point in time apparently Brad had left Angelina to return to Jennifer Aniston. Dad said, "Well, that's such a coincidence, because this Anglican king named Mr. Smyrna had a dog that also left someone named Angelina for someone named Jennifer."

Then Seth said something about mangling and wrangling and how THEY rhymed (I was really into rhymes, apparently) and then all of a sudden he fell down and landed on his wrist. I said something like, "Well, let's hope your wrist doesn't just dangle now!" because I was playing with the rhyming some more. He held up his wrist and it did indeed just sort of dangle off to the side, indicating there was probably something wrong with it. He refused to believe it,however, and started doing push-ups to prove that he was okay. He didn't do very well, though. He said to me, "Some people have a hard time doing the bending thing with their hands," he said, referring to bending their elbows when they did a push-up. "But look, I can do it with no hands at all!" And he got down on his stomach and sort of scooted up and down and around, which I guess was supposed to be no-handed push-ups.

* * *

I dreamed I was in RinkChat, and Dave kept dropping these hints that he was going to blow up Sam and Leen. Everyone else thought it was a joke, but I somehow knew it was going to be true. They apparently lived in a town called Manhattakentondon... I remember because at one point Dave said, "Soon disaster will strike Manhattakentondonites."

* * *

I dreamed I was having a conversation about movies with Dad. I gave him my real-life revelation about Will Ferrell, how I keep thinking he's going to be really obnoxious and then seeing him in movies and he really isn't. To which Dad replies, "Did you hear that they released a family-friendly version of 'Elf' except they called it 'True Pump'?" I said, "...What?" And he started laughing and said, "Oh, it was just a pun. I'm making a joke."

* * *

I dreamed I was in our living room, which was filled with preschoolers, including Seth. He fell down and hurt his back and began crying a lot. I picked him up and asked, "Did you hurt your back?" and began pressing around on his back to find where he'd bumped it. He said, "No, my spine!" and screamed even louder. I tried to carry him across the room, but bumped his head on a doorway and he began screaming even louder.

Then I wasn't there anymore, but a military guy was, and he went to a phone and called someone who was apparently Seth's father. The father, who was also in the military, came down and asked what the problem was. The military baby-sitter responded, "Your son has a condition in which he's emotionally unable to react naturally to his physical surroundings. I suggest you take him to a psychiatrist." Seth's father just calmly took Seth and said, "Well, we'll see," and walked out the door, except as he did so, he smashed his face into the doorway.

* * *

I dreamed I was watching a play called Roxie. It starred Katharine Hepburn and some other famous actress named Audrey Umber, except they didn't show up until the very end. Then they did show up, and Katharine said, "Aren't you glad for all the new friends you've made today?" To which Audrey replied, yes, and began listing them all: "Billy, and Danny, and..." When she finished the list, Katharine said, "You forgot Roxie!" Audrey gasped and said, "Oh, dear! I'll try again." She repeated the entire list, stopping halfway through to say, "I'm trying not to forget Roxie!" but she forgot Roxie again . . . so she had to do the whole thing over again. This happened about three more times. Katharine just kept getting madder and saying things like, "Just spit it out!" I then read a review of this play, and someone said, "This is what I love about the old movie actresses. They can be funny without repeating the same thing over and over!"

* * *

I dreamed that my friend Christy's parents suddenly got really, really mad at me for something, although I didn't know what. I couldn't reason with them, so Mom and Dad decided to take them out to dinner and try to talk sense into them. I waited eagerly for Mom and Dad to get home, but when they did, they were storming around. They had a styrofoam box full of leftovers, and were throwing them all over the place. "Those people are just entirely unreasonable!" my mom said. "So we stole their food."

* * *

I dreamed I was five months pregnant and was talking with Jeanne (our church pianist), along with this other chick who was like nine months pregnant. looked at us and said, “Okay, which of you is closer to your due date?” and I said, “She is,” and Jeanne said, “Well, YOU’RE going into labor right now.” I said, “What?!” and she said, “Yes, I can see the baby moving inside you right now.” So I had the baby and then suddenly it was like six years later and I had like FOURTEEN KIDS and all I could think was, “What just happened?”

* * *

I dreamed I was at a youth retreat. I was standing around listening to the music, and one of the guys from the youth group came up and asked me if I wanted to dance. I said, "I don't know how."  He said, "Oh, it's okay, I'll teach you." So he took out this pamphlet of how to do all these different ballroom dances and started going over it with me in detail, except he wasn't content to stick with one dance, oh, no, he was like, "Okay, we'll do one step of the waltz, then we'll do one step of the tango, then the polka, and then the fiddle-dee-dee," and I was just getting very confused, as I had no idea what was going on. I kept thinking, "Can't I just learn one dance and then practice that one for a while?"

* * *

I dreamed Elizabeth, Bekah, and I were coming out of the store with bags of groceries and putting them in our car, which was parked in an alley behind the store. Mom was still in the store, Dad was fixing something in the alley behind the car. Elizabeth got behind the wheel. I warned her not to touch it, but she drove like four feet forward. I yelled at her, "You KNOW better than to try driving!!! You know you're not allowed to do that!" She replied, "Okay, I'll fix it," and drove four feet backward, except she went a bit crooked and drove over Dad's thumb. I began yelling, "ELIZABETH!! You drove over Dad's thumb!" Dad must have gone slightly nuts from the pain or something, because he then proceeded to stand up and smash his head through the wall of the building next to us. The wall wasn't very sturdy, it was pretty much just plaster, but still . . . he smashed his head through a wall.

Mom came out and we went home, where, needless to say, Dad wasn't doing very well. He was in more medical trouble from the smashing of his head through a wall than his thumb being run over by a car. Our solution was very simple. We cut a hole in our own house wall and had him sit there with his head in the hole. At one point I walked by and he pulled his head out and said, "I think it's working, I feel less dizzy now!"

As for Elizabeth, we decided it would be best if she moved out since she had caused the family so much pain, so she packed up her bag and took a train off somewhere.

* * *

I dreamed my friend Becky put a giant orange roadblock sign in my room. The sign read "TAMMIX". Then as B'qi was going to leave, she turned to me and said, "Warning! It grows!" and sprang out of my room, leaving me to wonder why she put a growing road sign in my room.

* * *

I dreamed we were sitting in the church building, and Pastor was doing his sermon. He starts projecting things on the wall as visual aids for his sermon or something. Except they're mostly gratuitous and unrelated. Like one is a picture of Junior Asparagus.

Another one is a clip from Blue's Clues, where Steve gets a gift from Blue. He says, "I really enjoy getting gifts. Do you enjoy giving love gifts? Do you enjoy giving love gifts to people you don't really like? Do you have to do that?" And the kids reply, "I don't know!" And he goes, "Well, think of it this way. If there's a circus in town, and you're going to give money to everyone in the circus, and you don't LIKE one person in the circus, well, you don't have to worry about it, because it all gets evened out."

* * *

I dreamed that I was married (not only that, I had kids) and I had some sort of elaborate plot to kill my husband so we could go on vacation. The plot involved loosening a nut in his car and hiding said nut in the chimney, and then suffocating my husband and hiding him near the car. But at the end I was foiled and we all went on vacation together anyway.

Well, that's a fun one to end on. You now all know that if Jacob is suffocated and hidden near a car with a nut gone from his car and being found in the chimney instead, I tried to kill him to go on vacation.