I know where some of it has come from. Some of it is from depression, which flips everything into its negative form and then dials that up to eleven.
Some of it is from the fact that there's someone in my life I need to actually forgive, and I didn't want to, because gosh dang it, I wanted that person to suffer for what they did, but since we're not in contact it obviously didn't hurt them and just made me angry and miserable. (I'm still working through that, but it is getting better. I don't hope they suffer physical or emotional pain anymore. I do still kind of hope all their food is slightly burnt forever, though. Or something. But we're getting there.) But that is still lingering.
|© 2008 Ben Pollard, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio|
Some of it is because I'm going through this weird time in my life where I'm feeling simultaneously socially isolated and socially stifled, which makes no sense (and it certainly not the fault of anyone in my life) and I can't figure out how to respond to it because when I socialize I feel withdrawn and when I don't I feel lonely and so EVERYTHING IS JUST WEIRD ALL THE TIME. As a result, I'm having trouble finding an actual outlet for my feelings these days and so it just turns into anger.
So I'm making some changes to try and fix this... or at least temper it until I figure out actual stuff.
1. I'm making an effort to recognize the positive. It's super duper easy for me to focus on all the things that are wrong in my life, especially during DepressionTimez. (If you write it with a Z, it's not as scary!) A while back I created a Twitter account specifically for listing all the things throughout a day that make me happy. (@reasonstodance1, if anyone wants to follow.) I'm fairly inconsistent with it, but I want to be more consistent, because cataloging good things makes me more likely to see them pop up more often.
2. I'm probably not writing about anything serious for awhile. I know it's been some time since I wrote something serious about faith or depression or my thoughts on... stuff, but I have had several blogs like that on the back burner for quite awhile. Right now, though, I can't write about the ones I actually care about without raising a lot of negative emotion. Not that negative emotion is bad, but when I'm making an effort to keep it in check, it seems kind of silly to deliberately write something that will hype it up. So I'll be veering away from any heavy topics for quite some time.
3. I'm giving myself permission to unfollow/unsubscribe. I want to be friends with everybody on my Facebook list, but there are some people who... well, let's just say I'm not in the right frame of mind to read the things they want to post these days. They are absolutely entitled to their opinions and to stating them as strongly or as snarkily as they want, but it might be smarter for me to not read them until whatever is causing this intense anger calms down a little.
There are also a few bloggers I'm taking a break from. As a rule, I try to not follow people who are angry or cynical all the time because I know that that rubs off on me, even if I technically agree with what they're saying, but I really want to curate a list of bloggers who are kind and compassionate, who will fill my soul with nutritious chicken soup instead of poison (even if it's accidental poison).
|© 2010 Rita Hutcheson Cobbs, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio|
So. In the meantime... If I bow out of a conversation or write 10 blogs in a row about musicals I like, that's what's going on. (Incidentally, if any of you have any blog topics you'd like me to tackle -- I'm open to anything that's not a heavy-hitter/controversial/something that has probably made someone tell me I'm a selfish heretic -- let me know. I've been having trouble pulling together thoughts lately.)
Also, feel free to share here what you do when you just feel angry at the world all the time. Are there songs or movies that are good for you? People who help lift that burden a bit? Bible verses you rely on? I'd love to hear your thoughts.