Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Best of 2014: Facebook Posts

I've done this one several years in a row now, so let's continue the tradition by looking at some of my favorite Facebook statuses of the year, in order of when I wrote them. *deep breath* Here goes! Enjoy!

Jacob: I love you!
Me: I love you too!
Jacob: Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!
Kind of a startling response until I realized he was talking to his computer game.

I tried to end a text message with, "Just so you know," but my phone changed it to read, "Just so high now." Um. No, phone. That is not what is going on here.

At like 3 this morning, while I was trying to fall asleep, Jacob started rubbing my back, which was quite nice and relaxing. But when I rolled over to face him, I discovered he was sleeping. So either he has learned how to rub my back in his sleep (which I can totally live with) or we have a massaging ghost. Which I can also totally live with.

(We got our bill at the restaurant but were still eating dessert.)
Me: So we'll pay for this later. Although not like... tomorrow.
Jacob: I'll pay for you tomorrow.
Me: Good, because Mom and Dad have been wondering when you were going to pay for me. They've been waiting for like six months. They could have gotten a new furnace a long time ago.
Jacob: (Looking at me with disdain) You think you're worth a furnace?
Me: (Looking sadly down at my lap) I guess not...
Jacob: Aww! No! You are worth TEN furnodes!
That was almost the saddest half-anniversary dinner ever.

So I'm reading The Arabian Nights. These are some CRAZY stories. The first story within a story is about a guy who can understand animals but if he tells anyone else what they say, people will die. One day he laughs at something he hears an animal say and his wife demands he tell her what it was, and she gets to the point where she says she'd rather die than not know why he was laughing. The guy is freaking out, apparently thinking he's just going to have to give in and tell her even though she will probably die, until he overhears his animals saying, "Duh, he should just beat her until she agrees not to ask anymore." So he does, she agrees, and everyone lives happy ever after.
This is going to interesting ride.

QI is a fantastic show. I learn such random stuff. My favorite fact of the day: Henry the Young King was crowned King of France and died while his father, Henry II, was still alive, so he doesn't get a numerical king number, and there is a story of how he got in trouble with his father when was 17 because instead of going home to his father's castle for Christmas, he threw a feast of his own where he only invited knights named William. Maybe that'll be *my* plan next Christmas.

I dreamed last night that I signed onto Facebook and got this message from the site:
"We have polled your Facebook friends and thought you should know the results.
1. 90% of your friends think your name is a silly teenage name.
2. 200 of your friends think that if you put on a little lipstick, you would then have the body of a Greek goddess."
I'm so sorry to my friends who are disappointed by my name. I don't know how to fix that exactly, because I'm not sure what makes a name not a "silly teenage name." And, uh, as to the second one, I can only assume they mean I should use the lipstick to draw a Greek goddess onto my own body. This will fool nobody, but I guess I would technically then *have* that body I drew...

The Arabian Nights has now had two separate stories about newlyweds whose siblings were jealous of their marriage and threw them overboard when they all went sailing together. Looks like it's a good thing I've been turning down all those free cruises my siblings keep offering. It's probably the only reason Jacob and I are still alive today.

Re: Martin Freeman's mustache in the new Sherlock episode:
Me: I seldom like mustaches without an accompanying beard. They just make you look like a villain. I mean, look at him. He's clearly going to commit a crime.
Jacob: I don't know. I think he's maybe going to become a plumber.

Some people stress eat... Turns out I anger eat. I was going to make just one peanut butter sandwich for dinner, but after Puppy got into the trash and threw chicken bones all over the kitchen floor, I was like, "NOPE, I NEED THREE SANDWICHES NOW."

Arabian Nights update for you all: I finished the section on Sinbad's voyages. On one of them, he gets stuck on an island with an old man who climbs on his shoulders, wraps his legs around his neck, and refuses to let go. For days. He kicks and strangles Sinbad to make him walk around and pick fruit for him. In the end, the only way Sinbad gets him to let go is by getting him drunk so his legs relax and he falls off.
These stories are wacky.

As I'm trying to sleep last night:
Me: Hon, whatever it is, you're dreaming it.
Jacob: I see it! It's a giant spider!
Me: Nope. It's not real. It's a dream.
Jacob: Nooo...
Me: I promise it is. You're dreaming.
Jacob: Really?
Me: Yes. It's OK.
Jacob: Weird.
(A minute later)
Jacob (still at least mostly asleep): There's no giant spider in our room.
Me: You're right. There's not. It was a dream.
Jacob: You're trying to kill me, I know it.
DANG IT, he caught on to what I thought was a foolproof murder plan - to scare him to death in his sleep by making him dream about giant spiders!

Once, while playing Family Feud on Facebook, I was asked to name something that would ruin a honeymoon. If I was the author of The Arabian Nights, I might have answered, "Wife cut my thumbs off because at the wedding I ate something with garlic in it and didn't wash my hands well enough afterward." Though that probably wouldn't make the top 100 most popular answers.

Me: So I have $40 I can spend on Amazon. I'll probably buy that game I want, and then hold on to the rest of it until I want something new. (Being goofy) And then I'll hold onto the game until I want something new.
Jacob: I'll hold onto YOU!
Me: Until you want something new?
Jacob: Yes. OH NO. WAIT. I didn't pay attention to what you said. I love you!

The little news blurb headline on the side of my Facebook says, "Drake Killed on Saturday Night Live Last Night." I went, "Wait, WHAT?" but thanks to Google, I discovered they were trying to slangily say he did a good job. Turns out nobody murdered Drake on live TV. This is how rumors get started, people.

Me: There are a lot of young contestants on Idol this year.
Jacob: Like 12-year-olds?
Me: Well, you have to be 15 to audition.
Jacob: 15 12-year-olds?
Me: Yes. Because you can audition if you're 12, but only in groups of 15.

First Phil was a background actor on the show Nashville, and now I discover Jonathan is as well. Clearly I should not have stopped watching this show after two episodes, because at the rate this is going, by season five, every crowd scene will consist entirely of people I know milling about in the background.

Some helpful life tips I have picked up from The Arabian Nights:
1) Looking for a fun prank to play on your friends? Drug them, put them in the king's palace, and convince them they are king. Then drug them again, put them back in their normal lives, and watch and laugh as they literally go insane and have to be put in a mental institution. It's fun!
2) If you need some extra money, just tell your spouse's friends and family they're dead, and they'll give you money for the funeral. Then have the spouse do the same to your friends and family. Voila! Free cash!

My new all-time favorite Jesus juke, courtesy of my sister Rebekah: "If you shovel someone’s sidewalk and they say 'thank you, that really blessed me,' you should say, 'I can shovel your sidewalk, but only God can shovel your heart!'"
THAT is how you do evangelism. Right?

The word I had to teach my phone today: "non-pooping."

Is someone you know not eating very much at mealtimes? According to The Arabian Nights, that could be because they are sneaking out to graveyards at night and eating corpses with a ghoul. Be careful confronting them about this, though. They may get angry and turn you into a dog.

Puppy's white plastic bone is the same color as she is, so for a moment, when I saw her chewing on it at a weird angle, I thought her leg had fallen off and she was eating it. ZOMBIE CANNIBAL PUPPY

I have just learned that sugar stops concrete from setting. My first thought after I learned this: "If I were a supervillain, I would run around pouring sugar on construction sites and then laugh evilly as I ran away and nothing new would EVER BE BUILT." I can only hope this is the premise of the Batman vs. Superman movie.

I was attempting to text a melancholy friend some encouragement and advice. What was meant to be, "I give you permission to stay in tonight and watch a silly movie" nearly turned into "I give you permission to stay in tonight and watch a adult movie." That is NOT the advice I meant to send. My phone's autocorrect is not so wholesome sometimes.

Arabian Nights' lesson about awful siblings for the day: Don't let your sisters help deliver your children, because they might hide them in the river and instead present your husband with a dog, a cat, and a piece of wood and pretend you gave birth to those instead. Your husband will then be SO MAD that you keep giving birth to non-humans that he will put you in a cage in the temple and tell all the people to spit on you when they go do their prayers. (If they don't, he'll put THEM in a cage in the temple too and have people spit on THEM.)

So, that Once Upon a Time character quiz... the description for Charming ends with "You literally charm the pants off everyone you meet." Jacob and I debated whether this means he is a sleaze trying to seduce everyone or just kind of a goofy prankster who uses magic to vanish people's pants away and just giggles about it. Either way, I don't remember ANY of that on the show.

I'm only about 1/5 away from finishing The Arabian Nights. Here's the latest lesson it has taught me: Be careful when rejecting people. If someone gives you a love letter, do not beat them up. If you do, they might trick you into marrying someone hideously ugly and then you will be sad.

My proposed plot for the Batman vs. Superman movie: Superman decides HE wants to be Batman, finds the lair, sneaks in, steals a batsuit, and declares himself to be Batman now. If that's not exciting enough, Lex Luthor and Alfred could both decide the same thing, and the final scene would have four people in batsuits running around all yelling, "I'M BATMAN!"

Jacob: I'm tired today.
Me: It makes sense that you're tired. You didn't sleep very much.
This somehow activated voice command on our Xbox, which then searched Bing for "retired sleep very much" and found 24 related videos.

I have finally finished the strange, strange series of tales that is The Arabian Nights. Its final bit of wisdom: Beware new restaurants, because sometimes you sit down and the floor gives way and you fall into a dungeon where a guy tries to kill you with a scimitar so the restaurant owner can essentially steal your wallet.

My last series of candy hearts:
"Get Real
Get Real"
Wow. That is a definite rejection.

Dreams are funny things. I just woke up from one with this vague sense of terror but I'm pretty sure I was dreaming about an uneaten sub sandwich sitting in our kitchen cabinet, which is kinda gross but not really all that scary. Weird.

Last night:
Jacob: Ahhh! The nrghrbrgh is on top of us!
Me: Wait, what's on top of us?
Jacob: The naked horse is on top of us!
Me: Nope. There's no naked horse on top of us.
Jacob: (Confused) Well, where else would it be?

Writing an article about sensorineural hearing loss (cochlea damage). The problem is, I keep writing it "sensoriurinal." I can only assume that's when you lose your hearing because somebody punches you in the ear while at a urinal.

Awkward Textbroker typo of the day: "Varicose veins are caused by blood pooing in the veins."

This survey I was taking talked about a chore chart that suggested kids 2-4 years old vacuuming. Hmm. While vacuuming isn't a HARD chore, it's a heck of a lot more complicated when you are shorter than the vacuum cleaner.

Jacob: What if I change your name to "Pludlonica"?
(This is a game he occasionally plays, where he offers to change my name to something new. Usually something terrible.)
Me: ..."Pludlonica"? No.
Jacob: But WHY?
Me: Because it starts with "Plud." That's an awful syllable.
Jacob: How about "Shmudlonica"?
Me: No. I don't like that "ud" sound in general.
Jacob: How about "Shmludlonica"?
Me: That still has the "ud" sound!
Jacob: Yes, but it starts with "Shml," which is beautiful.

Yesterday, Lumps pooped on our kitchen floor in the shape of a pepper. Today, it was in the shape of an L. I can only assume she is in the process of sending us a message, and I suspect that message is "Peppers, LOL." Because she probably thinks peppers are hilarious.

TV show narrator: Her wedding is a defining moment in the relationship...
My thoughts: Well, DUH. A wedding is OBVIOUSLY a defining moment in a relationship. If it's not, why are they even getting married? That was a stupid thing to say.
TV show narrator: ...between her and her twin sister.
My thoughts: Oh. Never mind.

What I wanted to text, referring to a FB message Mom sent me: "I saw it but I only looked at it briefly."
What autocorrect wanted to text: "I saw it but I only looked at Imbruglia."
Autocorrect is smart. It knows I ignore most Facebook messages and just look at pictures of Natalie Imbruglia instead.

I had just stopped reading and was settling down to go to sleep when Jacob mumbled something about cakes. I asked him what about cakes? He responded, "None of them are in the present OR the past!" So cakes are only in the future. Just so you all know. I gotta admit, a future full of cakes sounds pretty good to me...

Today, Lumps is sulking because I won't let her sit on my head. I feel, however, that this is a completely reasonable boundary to set with both humans and animals.

So I was sitting on the living room couch and Jacob came in from the kitchen where he was cooking. He was going to be all sweet and give me a kiss, but RIGHT as he got to the couch he tripped and stubbed his toe, which led to him essentially lunging toward my face with a terrible grimace. It was fairly startling.

(Jacob is playing Animal Crossing on the 3DS while I watch.)
Me: You didn't pick up that shell!
Jacob: It's not worth anything.
Me: Not even like... one bell?
Jacob: Well, it's worth a bell, but I'm not doing that 98,000 times until I can afford a new house.
Me: I would!
Jacob: And that's why you would be the only person in the world to lose Animal Crossing.

Catching up on the last couple weeks of American Idol. One contestant walks in the room to find out his fate, and he's crying before he even sits down. Jennifer Lopez asks him why he's crying, and he says, "So many reasons! I'm from Miami!" He was probably going to elaborate, but at that point my computer froze, so I was left with the assumption that living in Miami just makes people cry.

On this survey, one option I can select is "I am not apart of any fraternities or sororities." I suspect the survey makers would want me to check that box, but they unfortunately don't know the difference between "apart of" and "a part of." I cannot in good conscience check a box that says I have joined every single fraternity/sorority in the world.

(Listening to Happy by Pharrell on the radio.)
Jacob: This song is basically "If You're Happy and You Know It."
Me: I hope all his songs this year are rewrites of kids' songs.
Jacob: Me too! I'm excited for the one about the meatball that runs away!

Jacob and I were joking today about getting tattoos and trying to come up with something ridiculous. He said he would get a rose with the word "Grace" underneath it, and it would be significant because my middle name is Rose and my first name means "grace." So I decided I could follow the same pattern for him and get a tattoo of Daniel Day-Lewis with the word "Deceiver" written underneath. My tattoo would probably take a lot more explaining than his would.
It's probably OK that we're not getting tattoos...

I was watching the pilot for Black Sails with my headphones on, while Jacob made up his own dialogue for it next to me. According to him, the two pirates on the screen were having this conversation:
"I hate you."
"What? You can't hate me. I'm nice."
"Oh. OK. You're right. I love you."
Now that is truly gripping emotional drama.

Me: This survey question is "Which breakfast food do you prefer?" My options are oatmeal, cereal, "smothies," with one O, or "eggs and toasts."
Jacob: I feel like I'm in a really sketchy bed and breakfast.

Me: (Watching Say Yes to the Dress) I don't think they can say, "This is the most important garment you're ever going to wear," because what if you're an astronaut?
Jacob: Then you'd better wear your wedding dress underneath your space suit, otherwise you DIE!

Oh, my. My grocery list on my phone was supposed to include "chicken helper fried rice," but between autocorrect kicking in and me not paying attention to what I was typing, it ended up saying "chicken fried hell." That does not sound like a delicious meal.

Jacob: What do we want for food?
Me: Well, let's see. We have pasta, pizza, milk, eggs, tortillas...
Jacob: We could make milk egg tortillas.
Me: Yes. Where you fashion tortillas into a little bowl, fill it with milk, and then crack an egg into it.
Jacob: It'll be delicious!
Me: No. No, it won't.
Jacob: Hey, YOU told me how to make it.
Me: That is why you shouldn't take cooking advice from me.

This survey asks, "Do you sleepwalk?" and the possibly answers are "Yes," "No," and "Undecided." I'm glad they included that last answer, because I haven't decided whether I sleepwalk yet. Maybe yes, maybe no. I'll make up my mind someday.

Yesterday, while Jacob was making waffles for dinner, Lumps somehow got involved and got flour all over her face without him knowing about it. At least we think it was flour. Maybe it was cocaine and Puppy has a drug problem we don't know about.

Jacob: What time is it?
Me: 10:03.
Jacob: Like five minutes ago, it was 10:98.
Me: 10:98?
Jacob: 9.
Me: 9:98?
Jacob: 10:98:9.
I still have no idea what time he thought it was.

Jacob is playing that game again where he tries to figure out a new name for me. I've been objecting them all on the basis that most of the new names he chooses for me aren't people's names at all, so he's trying to fix that by adding "Patrice" to the beginning or end of it so it's at least partially a name. So we get suggestions like "Patrice Lampshade" and "Governor's Tower Patrice." I'm still not agreeing to any of this.

This collection of Agatha Christie books I have for the Kindle was clearly transferred from page to screen digitally. Mostly it works, but every so often I get a sentence like this:
"Arm, imm?,, l," said Rhoda.

So, fun story. Yesterday, while sitting with Jacob and crying (it was a particularly difficult day, depressionwise), at one point I accidentally cried directly into his eyes. That is true marital bonding, right there.

I just took a quiz a friend posted on Facebook about "How single are you?" Apparently I am PRETTY DANG SINGLE, even with the being married thing. But that's mostly because the indicators were things like "You have eaten pizza in the past week," "You have eaten pizza in the past month," and "You have eaten pizza in the past year." What kind of terrible relationships are people in that prevent them from eating pizza?

(Jacob has just started watching Game of Thrones. I've only read the first book.)
Jacob: I hope Bran lives. I hope he gets robot legs.
Me: That would be the best way for the series to end.
Jacob: He disappears and is gone for like the entire series, and then just shows up at the end with cyborg legs yelling, "I'M THE KING!"
Me: And if anyone disagrees, he kicks their heads off.
If George R. R. Martin dies before he finishes writing the books, don't worry. We've got this covered.

My sister Bethany just sent me this message. I will never hear these songs the same way again.
The other day I was singing "Look down, look down, don't look them in the eye" work song. Bekah said that sometimes she wants to start singing these words to that tune: "The sun, has gone, to bed and so must I; so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye." Which is in itself quite funny. But it's even better when you imagine the reverse of Gretl singing sweetly, "Look down, look down, don't look them in the ey-e! Look down, look down, you're here until you die-ie! Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!"

The text I meant to send: "Yay for returning to a normal schedule!"
The text autocorrect sent: "Yay for returning to a birdman schedule!"
What sort of schedule does a birdman have? Perhaps more importantly, why do I even have the word "birdman" in my phone?

I had a dream last night that I was babysitting some random kids, but then Elvis Presley and Taylor Swift came over to the house and started letting them play with knives. I woke up VERY angry at both Elvis and Taylor, and I stayed angry for like 45 minutes before I fully woke up and realized it was probably a little unfair of me to be mad at them in real life.

Well, this piece of IMDb trivia for The Blind Side is written awkwardly:
"Just before Leigh Anne Tuohy enters the gymnasium before the volleyball game, she mentions Patrick Ramsey. In real life, Leigh Ann was an interior decorator for Patrick Ramsey, then a NFL quarterback for the Washington Redskins."
I had to read it about four times before I realized Leigh Ann didn't go from being an interior decorator to being an NFL quarterback.

(Watching S.H.I.E.L.D.)
Jacob: That guy's in other (something I can't understand) stuff.
Me: What? Other candy stuff?
Jacob: Kind of, but with an M and P.
Me: Ohhh, "campy" stuff.
Jacob: Nope. "Candymp."

The headline for a link posted at Reddit said "Two churches, Catholic and Episcopal, bless palms together." Before I realized they were talking about blessing of Palm Sunday palms, I thought it was going to be an article discussing how Catholic and Episcopal denominations always held their palms together when blessing people, like a "Namaste" kind of hand gesture.

Jacob was playing Bioshock while I was watching The Color Purple. Suddenly he pointed and said, "Look! A whale!" Turns out there was one in his game, but I was a little startled because I thought he was insensitively referring to the pregnant girl in my movie as a whale...

When I shower, I open up Pandora on my phone and set it on the counter so I can listen. Over the sound of running water, I can usually hear vocals but not background music. This means that sometimes I discover what I thought was a really awkward rap about finding cheap flights was actually an ad.

Six-year-old girl: Where do you live?
Me: Indiana.
Her: Oh. There's California where you live.
Me: Uh, no, we're pretty far from California.
Her: No, you just drive six miles an hour on the road, and there's the sign that says California.
So now you all know.

A distressing amount of the Letterboxd movie reviews for Ender's Game complained about it ripping off Harry Potter. Apparently 1) Harry Potter was the first series EVER to use the "he is the chosen one" trope and 2) it is possible to rip off a book 12 years before it is written. Who knew? I should get started on ripping off the big literary hit of 2026 so I can make a pile of money.

I was researching things to do in Lakewood, CO (for an article, I'm not going there any time soon) and came across a website that MOSTLY listed things to do in Lakewood... but then there was the occasional mention of national parks in Vermont. That seems like an unrealistic commute for a day trip.

Life pro tip: If you put your ear to your pillow when you wake up, you can hear voices! Note: This only works if your earbuds are still connected to your phone playing Internet radio and somehow end up under your pillow.

When "Everybody Hurts" and "I Will Always Love You" are right next to each other in an iTunes playlist, it's easy to accidentally mush their titles together and end up with a terrifying song called "I Will Always Hurt You."

I was watching The Switch and Jacob kept pointing at the screen and excitedly saying what I thought was, "Just go boom! It's a just go boom!" I had no idea what he was talking about until I paused the movie so I could actually hear him, and it turns out he was saying "Jeff Goldblum." But I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to call him "Just Go Boom" from now on."

Bethany texted me to ask if I wanted ice cream. Though my stomach is feeling a little better, I responded that I probably shouldn't tempt fate. Or, well, that's what I meant to respond. My phone thought I meant "I probably shouldn't robot date." Though that is true, I probably shouldn't do that either.

OK, guys, it's time to play "Guess Elizabeth's Catch Phrase clue." This is what she gave me: "Uh... like, whooooa! Whooooa! Also, I think it's an ice cream place?"
Good luck with this one.

(Exploring the grounds of a mansion.)
Bethany: I want to live in that house with the turrets.
Me: I want to live in...that boat over there.
Bethany: I want to live on that fence.
Me: I want to live in the clouds.
Bethany: I want to live in that tree.
Me: I want to live in that woman's hat.
This went on for much, much longer than you might think.

Playing Aaron Carter on the iPod. Bethany's observation: "He sounds like a cross between Nick Jonas and Piglet."

A few nights ago, JoJo asked us what we wanted to eat when we were at her house. I told her I wanted one egg, and if she tried to give me two eggs, I would walk out. So this morning, before we left, she gave me my egg. It's sitting in our cupholder.

Proofreading a biography of a psychic that I wrote for Textbroker, I discovered I'd written that "she says she receives her dreams in dreams." I meant she receives her visions in dreams. I receive my dreams in dreams, too.

I think with the next Call of Duty game, they need to think outside the box. It will be called (Phone) Call of Duty, and in it, you have all these phone calls you're obligated to make, like scheduling doctor's appointments and calling a plumber to fix the sink and returning a call from a friend who's having a really terrible day. I would play that game.

That Disney Princess Buzzfeed article claims, "Disney shot the entirety of Cinderella in live-action, using it as a guide for animation." Um, no. I just double checked on that dubious claim and it turns out Walt Disney did NOT try to shoot, for example, the scene where the mice sew the dress in live action. That would have been... unhelpful for the animators. Stop lying to me, Buzzfeed, and saying "the entirety" when you mean "the parts with humans."

My new favorite game: pretending that Facebook ads are actually synopses of new releases from a really, really crappy video game company. For example, these that are on my page right now:
"Say hello to your friends and family. Let AT&T keep you connected on the go."
"Watch HD movies and track your life down to the heartbeat."
"Earn your Master's degree in communication online!"

I don't even remember how this started, but Jacob and I somehow got into a discussion about what it would be like if no one could respect me or suspect me and whether that would be livable.
Me: I could walk into stores and walk out with all their merchandise and no one would suspect it was me. That'd be kind of awesome.
Jacob: But NOBODY would respect your personal space.
Me: No, that'd be okay, because I could like... forcibly shove them away if they tried to hug me, and they wouldn't get mad at me because they wouldn't suspect I did it!

Jacob (looking on ThinkGeek): They have a Star Wars lightsaber lava lamp! You can get a perfect Ebox!
Me: A... perfect Ebox?
Jacob: For fifty bucks.
Me: Yeah, but what's an Ebox?
Jacob: No, "for fifty bucks."
Me: OH! "You can get it for fifty bucks"?
Jacob: Yes!
Me: Ohhhh. I couldn't figure out what on earth an Ebox was. I thought maybe you were saying "Ewoks" wrong for some reason.

Guys, I picked up my phone and it was texting a message to Jacob all by itself. And when it was done typing, it sent. WHAT?
This, btw, was the message: "E TV, hmm Mcbride BBM c Zvezda NC m Xzibit McMahon VX5Z56HQ, c of Sri I for doggone"

I just took the "What Adventure Time character are you?" quiz on Zimbio, and it said I was Jake the Dog. It then went on to describe me as "adventurous," "fearless," and "a love guru full of smooth moves." This is possibly the most wrong a quiz has EVER been about me.

I was watching Drive Me Crazy for today's movie challenge assignment, and this dialogue happened: "I've read your yearbook. 'Onward through the fog! Light up and party! ‪#‎befree‬!'"
Super confused about the use of "hashtag" in a movie from 1999 (referencing a yearbook quote from 1973), I did a bunch of research to find out when "hashtag" originated and if there was an older, similar usage.
After several minutes, I rewound the movie and discovered he wasn't saying, "Hashtag be free," he was saying, "Have sex, be free."
But at least now I know ALL about hashtags.

In last night's dream, my aunt and uncle (who looked nothing like any of my real life relatives) were hooked on a drug called "fierce flint" which made them really mean. So I took their 2-year-old daughter away from them and hid her in a dorm shower at HU, because apparently that is the safest hiding place for a toddler. Then I just took off and left her there for the college students to find.

Jacob is playing Skyrim. His character was low on health, so to fix it, he ate 15 sacks of flour. It seems to me that would make you sick, not heal you, but then this is why I am not a doctor in a video game.

I went to heat up some food and when I came back, Lumps was sitting on the couch where I had been sitting.
Me: Hey, Puppy! What are you doing on my space?
Jacob: What? Puppy's on MySpace? She is behind the times.
I think my question is still valid. What IS she doing on MySpace?

I decided today that it would be awesome (and super mean) if at the VERY VERY END of Skyrim, there was a necromancer boss who brought back to life all the people and animals you killed, and they all fought you at once. So you'd spend hundreds of hours in gameplay, defeating enemies and killing spiders, only to find out at the end that you have to start the entire game over because the only way to win is to kill as little as you possibly can.
It's probably a good thing that I don't design video games for a living. I would do things like this all the time, and I would be unsuccessful and widely hated.

Someone being interviewed about someone else: "He played that song for me on his guitar, and I'm not kidding, it literally takes you down this amazing river."
Um, nope. Nope, not literally. Although if I'm misjudging the speaker and it IS literally, that guy should probably warn people about that before he plays anything for them. They may not WANT to be taken down a river. I certainly don't.

Browsing Letterboxd reviews of the 1988 movie They Live, one person commented, "It will never win an Oscar." Hey, don't give up hope so quickly! Maybe it'll win "Best Movie From 27 Years Ago" at next year's ceremony!

Watching Top Chef. One of the chefs introduced his dish and ended by saying, "And a black olive aioli." But at first, I thought he said, "And that black olive I owe you." I wasn't sure when he had borrowed a single olive from one of the judges and why he decided to repay them by putting it in a sandwich.

Last night, I dreamed that my grandfather (who didn't resemble either one of my real life grandfathers) told my family that for his birthday, he wanted us all to go with him to a Jewel concert while wearing ten-gallon hats and cowboy boots. When I told him I had cowboy boots but they were too small, he gave me a $600 Visa gift card so I could go buy new ones.

Breana: So I was literally in the middle of trying to do stuff... (She stops and looks right at me.) And I literally was. Like, I was standing here, and there was stuff on either side of me and I was literally in the middle of it. I just wanted to make sure you knew that.
Had so much fun hanging out with her this evening. Not everyone is that thoughtful of using "literally" correctly around me.

I played Skyrim for the first time today. Jacob stretched out a little and I took the Xbox controller away from him. I ran through the woods, hopped away from wolves, and finally found his character's house. There, I gave one of his adopted daughters 1000 gold and told her to go to bed, and I woke the other one up from her sleep to give her a dagger. And then I was bored and let Jacob play again.

While driving home from lunch, Erika suddenly turns to me and says, "If you could drive from here to your place, how long do you think it would take?" I stared at her for a few seconds, trying to figure out if she was asking me to drive her car or whether she was just trying to get me to tell her how much time left we had on the road... then finally I realized she had said "Europe," not "your place." Which is a different question.

The subtitles went CRAZY on this episode of Top Chef. It introduced one of the chefs' dishes as "a strestreudeludel." Which is the only thing I will ever call it now.

Jacob: I think it's cool that Oculus Rift is going to be, like... an actual thing in people's homes soon. That's cool.
Me: OK, so I know what Oculus Rift is, and yes, that is cool, but my mind decided you meant "Optimus Prime."

I dreamed last night about this new fad diet where every time you wanted to eat, you thought about worms instead, and that would take away your appetite.

Today, Jenny Lawson responded and retweeted responses to The Blogger I Shall Not Name, who suggested that depressed people just need to find joy -- because apparently nobody depressed has ever tried to be more positive or anything. The series of ensuing snarky tweets pointed out all the other ways that happy attitudes can fix biological diseases.
My favorite contribution: "I once saw jazz hands heal a bleeding head wound."
Thank goodness for snarkiness lessening the awfulness of stupidity.

As I read Shakespeare, I mentally cast people who have similar names to the characters, to help me keep track of everyone. For example, Leonato in one of my earlier plays kinda sounds like Leonardo, so I imagine his character as Leonardo DiCaprio. This makes it much easier for me to remember who is who and how they're connected because I have a mental image of everyone.
However, this also leads to weird moments, like the scene I just read where the mental image became Vincent Price conversing with Rex the dinosaur from Toy Story...

Discovery of the day: If I inadvertently rattle the shower door, it sounds like the Jurassic Park T-rex coming to get me.

We put Lumps in the bathroom while we went to the zoo instead of setting up her kennel. We came back to find that she had unrolled several squares of toilet paper, shredded it up a bit... and then re-rolled it. *blink* I'm kind of impressed.

Jacob: You're cool.
Me: Thanks. (A second later) Though I don't think I can accept that compliment right now, while I'm trying to fold the tag on this pillow with my nose.
Jacob: Yeah, I said it before I saw you were doing that.

Jacob; I forgot that BitTorrent was doing a sci-fi series.
Me: What? Who's doing a sci-fi series?
Jacob: BitTorrent.
Me: I thought you said "Rick Warren." The guy who wrote "The Purpose-Driven Life." That would've been weird.

Reddit question: "Who's that one girl you just hate at a party?"
Comment #1: "The crier."
Comment #2: "Yeah, I hate when a girl walks into a party with a decree from the King and is all 'Hear ye hear ye!'"
Now I can only hope I get invited to all the parties because THAT is exactly what I'm going to do.

The most recent review of The Quest for Skye on Amazon reads simply, "I love story."

Saw this post while browsing my RSS feed: "TIL that about 90% of the world's LSD supply vanished overnight when the chemist who was making virtually all of the world's LSD, got caught. he was making it In a nuclear missile silo."
Got super confused until I realized I was reading LSD as LDS. That'll teach me to skim. I thought it was saying that almost all world's Mormons disappeared in a nuclear disaster at some point in history, and I had no idea how I'd never heard of that...

What I meant to text Jacob: "I love you and you're amazing and fantastic."
What I nearly texted him, thanks to autocorrect: "I love you and you're shaving a fanatic."
Sounds like a weird day at work...

Reddit posed a challenge to create a scary story in 5 words or less. A lot of them were pretty typical, but this was my favorite of the night:
"2% milk. 98% spiders."

(I couldn't find my phone. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is on her phone, which kind of looks like mine.)
Me: Is that my phone? Are you texting all my friends right now?
Elizabeth: Yes.
Me: What are you texting Lisa?
Elizabeth: "I like grapes."
This led into a discussion of what would happen if we texted everyone in our contact list "I like grapes," and who would be the most awkward person to text that to. So, uh, if any of you get a random text at some point that says "I like grapes," now you know why.

Just wrote in Textbroker: "The pH level of your soul impacts how well your grass will grow."
What's the pH level of YOUR soul?

Jacob: Britain declared war on Germany...
Me: Wait, what?! Why? That came out of nowhere!
Jacob: ...75 years ago today.
Me: Oh.

Apparently, teaching Puppy not to bark or whine has led to her offering a compromise: a weird hybrid noise that sounds mostly like a quack.

I've been graduated for two years and I'm STILL having HUTC dreams. This week, I dreamed that Jay added "June Bride" from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers into Singin' in the Rain, but that made the show run too long. To fix it, he decided that song, "Make 'Em Laugh," and "Singin' in the Rain" would all be performed simultaneously every night.
So... there's an AWESOME directing idea.

I like helping Jacob name his video game characters. His main one in this game is now called "€££æ". That is a fun one to try and pronounce.

For any of you men out there who have wanted to use Shakespearean compliments to woo a woman, this one from Troilus and Cressida is probably the best one I have ever found: "There is no lady of more softer bowels."

My new favorite hobby: coming up with terrible ideas for the next Star Wars movie. Ideas rejected by Jacob so far:
1) The movie starts off showing that the original series is all just Harrison Ford's dream, but when he wakes up he keeps seeing Star Wars stuff so maybe it WASN'T just a dream... dun dun dun!
2) A Planes, Trains and Automobiles reboot in space, where Chewbacca's just trying to get to his home planet for Life Day.
3) Luke becomes the new Emperor and turns evil. A young Jedi comes to defeat him and Luke reveals he is that young Jedi's father! Except it turns out to be a lie because he remembers how that reveal messed with his own emotions in the original movies, and he wants to throw the newbie off his game. But that's all in the second and third movies. The first movie is just all the other characters calling Luke on the phone and saying, "Don't be evil," to which he responds, "But I can make LIGHTNING now!"
I mean, *I'd* watch these...

Last night, at like 1:00, Jacob told me that "the people on the show" were "sitting in the closet." I sure hope he was sleep talking, because the idea that there were actually people in our closet is FAR too terrifying to consider.

This survey I just took asked, "If there was an Ebola outbreak in the U.S., how would you spend your time, knowing you may not have much left?" with options like "spend all your money" and "quit your job."
There wasn't an option for "stay calm and touch people even less than I usually do."

The Agatha Christie books I have on my Kindle are formatted weirdly, so occasionally we'll get pages that look like this:
"Nofret was wicked and Nofret was dead. Could she not leave it at that? Why this sudden stab of pity - of something
It's like Agatha Christie stopped writing for a moment and Rob Bell took over.

Jacob: (About someone doing voiceover in his game) This is fake Christopher Lee. I should figure out who he is.
Me: His name is Christopher Lee, but Lee is spelled "Li" and "Christopher" is with a K.
Jacob: I would like it better if it was a Q.
I am totally naming one of my NaNo characters Qhristopher Li.

I just laughed QUITE loud and scared the dog. Why? Well, let me tell you.
I was looking up old NaNo novels, and I ended up getting really engrossed in my novel from 2009. It's a serious dramatic novel about a Christian teen at a music ministry camp, and I was actually feeling pretty proud of it. There were a lot of good thoughts and serious character development in there.
And then at about 16,000 words my brain apparently just gave up. In a scene describing a church service, the pastor gets up and solemnly delivers a sermon... that consists entirely of the lyrics to the song "Purpose" from Avenue Q, switched to second person. (Sample sentence: "Doo doo doo doo doo. I don't know how I know, but you're going to find your purpose.")
The chapter ends with this paragraph:
"As he got down from the pulpit and went to sit in his seat again and the worship leader got up to do his songs, I couldn't help but feel that the sermon was less than inspiring."
That is an entirely accurate assessment.

I just tried to type "Shakespeare" as "Spakeshan."

Weird dream of the day: I dreamed that I was hanging out at a food bank, and Jason Borton came in and started pulling ALL the food off of the shelves and shoving it in paper bags. Then I heard him muttering to himself, "Maybe if I give all this food to the children's hospital, people will finally believe that I have feelings!"
...Um, OK.

(Tomorrow Jacob and I are going to go see a show in Chicago.)
Me: So we've got balcony seats.
Jacob: Like fourth-floor balcony?
Me: The balcony of the next building, actually.
Jacob: And we'll watch the show with telescopes and a radio.
Me: This is how I watch all my plays.
Jacob: That's why I'D like to pick our seats sometime.

My new favorite ridiculous hobby: standing near my husband and the dog while they are both asleep and making huge dramatic flailing arm movements that they would certainly react to if they were awake. This cracks me up today and I am not entirely sure why.

Awkwardly-placed line breaks sometimes complicate things. I was reading an introversion subreddit post and saw this:
Post: "I'm also going to bed and waking up at very different hours to other housemates, making it difficult to get high"
Me: "Well, that's a confusing complaint."
Post continues when I scroll down: "quality sleep sometimes."
Me: "Oh."

Today, Netflix suggested a series of movies in a new category: "Watched by Gob Bluth." It included movies about puppets, fathers and sons, and breaking out of prison. I have no idea when they put that together, but WIN.

(Jacob and I are watching The Music Man and talking about how poor lisping Winthrop is so sad at the beginning of this movie.)
Jacob: He's got a crazy name.
Me: That's probably why he's sad.
Jacob: Because his name is actually "Winsrop"?
Me: YES!

Sometimes it's hard to tell whether that noise outside your door is a) the wind or b) EVERY MURDERER.

My NaNo main character is being threatened by an angry mob, and I wrote this sentence: "For the first time in ages, I was afraid that I was going to get physically hurt."
That's a dumb sentence anyway, but apparently my character completely forgot that someone tried to murder her yesterday.

What I meant to say about our Thanksgiving meal: "The stuffing was my request."
What I typed at first: "The stuffing was my retreat."
Yes, with stuffing I can hide myself away from the cares and burdens of life.

Sometimes I get bored of writing my NaNo and decide to sing Jesus Christ Superstar in the middle of a sentence:
"I was a little startled to see this breakdown. Erik had always been so calm, so cool, no lover’s fool, running every show. He scared me so."

Jacob does not wear my favorite color just so he can match my eyes or plan a private picnic by the fire's glow. According to Giselle from Enchanted, I should probably doubt his love. I'm going to ignore that advice.

Jacob: The next Friday the 13th will be the thirteenth. Next year.
Me: ...The thirteenth?
Jacob: The thirteenth Friday the 13th.
Me: Since when?
Jacob: Since the beginning.
Me: (Has no idea what he's talking about because none of this makes sense)
Jacob: (Suddenly realizing) Oh! The next Friday the 13th MOVIE will be the thirteenth.
That was a very confusing conversation.

This Textbroker article I'm writing is a slow cooker recipe, with 250 words devoted to "an overview of the dish" and 250 words devoted to the recipe itself. That is a LOT of words to basically say "Put all this stuff in a slow cooker, cook it for 8 hours, the end."

Sleeping Jacob: I don't know WHERE Puppy is now. I mean... is she a dog?
Me: Yes, she is a dog.
Jacob: But don't you remember? Last night, she was made of rice.
Me: Um... no, she's not made of rice.
Jacob: You remember, don't you?
Me: I don't remember that, no.
Jacob: Huh.
He and I have been on completely different sleep schedules, so it's been quite awhile since I've had a conversation with him while he was sleeping. I've missed it :-) Yay Christmas break!

Just read a bizarre comment claiming that it wasn't possible to see only 10 movies released in 2014 unless you're not into movies.
It was vaguely reminiscent of the guy who told me I wasn't a real movie buff because I hadn't seen Taken.
People have weirdly specific standards sometimes. I should make up some of my own and start holding other people to it. But it'll be more fun if none of it is connected at all. "If you don't watch a musical featuring a song starting with 'R' every 3.5 weeks, you're not REALLY an animal lover." So this is the standard now. I'm watching you, people who claim to love animals.

My friend Travis is going to see The Interview tonight, so I told him to try not to die from terrorism. A little while later, this exchange happened and I couldn't resist:
Me: I am seeing Into the Woods next week.
Travis: Try not to die from whatever threatens musical fans.
Me: That would be Russell Crowe.

My sister Bethany asked everyone in the family to make up some new Scattergories subjects for us to print out and play together, just for fun, so Jacob and I have been texting her ideas throughout the week... although the ones we sent her today might have gotten a little silly:
"Types of dances, shades of yellow, things that are yellow, types of pipes, kinds of rinds, sorts of courts, stuff that's rough, things he sings, takes on lakes, things like rings, ways to haze, places for laces, parts of hearts, those with toes, uses for juices, sights with lights, sounds of hounds, rites for knights, plights for rights, towns with clowns, rhymes with limes, books for cooks, foods for dudes, looks for crooks."
And that is how we spent an hour and a half of our afternoon.

My favorite part of last night's round of Scattegories-with-categories-we-made-up. The topic was "things at a birthday party," the letter was F.
Elizabeth: I wanted to put "furry balloons, but that's stupid. And then I could only think of "furry cake, furry food..."
Kevin: Why not just "food"?
Elizabeth: ...Oh, yeah.

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