It's been... quite a few months. Between the pandemic and the protests and everything else the world's been throwing at us, my mental state has just been gone since my last blog, but here are a handful of random thoughts and experiences, stuff that hasn't felt like I had the spoons to do a full blog on. This may be my blog state for a little while.
1.
I'm immunecompromised, and so the pandemic has been scary, but it's been way scarier to see people I've previously thought of as friends fighting really hard against my safety. The few times I've felt okay enough to be like, "Hey, um, so this affects me," they have responded with essentially, "That sucks for you, but freedom is more important." Knowing that not wearing a mask is more important to them than my life is... not something that stops being scary when the virus itself stops being scary.
2.
As churches have been fighting to open up, there's a part of me getting angry about it not just because they're endangering people but because most of the reasons have been essentially "Fellowship isn't easy on Zoom," and when I tried to say "Fellowship isn't easy at church" I was told to it isn't about me and that I should stop being selfish. So I guess what that means is that it really is just me personally church isn't about. That it will always be about everyone else (to the point of endangering people's lives) but never me. Obviously this is a strong reaction and not entirely fair, but I truly struggle to see this and think anything other than, "I will never matter to a church."
3.
The protests and the calling out of the racism entrenched in our country has been a whirlwind of emotions too. This wave has been different from past ones in that it's reaching places and people that didn't seem to be on board before, and the social media response has been loud and overwhelming. That is great in that it may lead to some actual change, but it also means I have had to be careful about what I'm reading about it for my own mental health. And then if I take a step back, I feel guilty for even being able to tune it out, not everyone can, and so it's a constant journey of trying to be a good ally and not turn a blind eye while also making sure I take care of myself so I CAN be a good ally. Some days it's easier to balance that and acknowledging what I am doing and can do, and other days I feel weighed down and then guilty for feeling weighed down. (Incidentally if any other white folks are feeling that too and want to talk about it without making POCs responsible for your emotions -- feel free to talk to me. I don't feel like I can do much these days but I can cheer you on and give you water so you can head back on out to do the work.)
4.
I was fully an "I don't see color" person until shortly after college. I was very well-intentioned, I just didn't get it. My Christian university even did a year-long focus on diversity in its chapels and I just. didn't. get. it.
I have one particularly embarrassing memory of speaking up in a class to posit that doesn't talking about racism so much just lead to more racism? I think for me it was tied to the fact that I had always thought of the non-white people I knew as being like me, and being told, "No, they're not, they experience racism and you don't get it" forced me to mentally put them in an "other" category because our experiences were so different, so I felt like that must be wrong if it was encouraging that. Turns out I needed to find a way to resolve that within myself in a way that didn't invalidate other people's experiences. But the answer I got in that didn't clear it up for me, hand it would be another year or two before I realized, "Oh, wow, I SUPER missed that boat. Ooooooof."
I've come a long way from that kind of thinking but it means as I run across a source that would have convinced me then, I hold onto it, because I can hope maybe it'll reach someone else who is in that same place now.
5.
Anyone remember that Internet game Pandemic, later re-branded Plague Inc? I feel like the game needs to be updated to include the fact that too many people in the US apparently think you can fight viruses with freedom. We're the anti-Madagascar. The easiest to get into and take down.
No comments:
Post a Comment