Della, Part 9

The final act in the Della saga! Last time... well, the first sentence of the chapter actually sums it all up neatly.

Della couldn't believe it. Here she was, trapped in a tiny corner of the room, with a python coming at her.

Della's reaction here is nowhere near as panicked as mine would have been.

Luckily she remembered what she'd once read about how to defeat pythons, and she did have a pocket knife in her pocket.

Okay. So this was the actual advice that I'd read in some bizarre book about how to defeat pythons. Check it out.

She let the python wrap itself around her and watched Robert cackling evilly in the background.

I thought he ran out and locked Della in with the snake?

It was okay, she'd show HIM! 

Then the python began to swallow her legs. 

"Oh, gee, he's swallowed my knee, oh my, he's swallowed my thigh..."

She sat as still as she possibly could until it got up to her knees, then she stuck the knife into the side of the python's mouth and ripped upward, thus killing the python.

Yup. That was the book's answer. Let the python swallow you until you can safely stab it. Meep.

Then she slowly extracting her legs from the python's jaws, and, as an astonished Robert watched on, she sliced open the hallway doors as well, 

That's one heck of a knife she has there!

and went parading out into the hall.

Hey, you might as well be as triumphant as you can.

She got home that day 

Thank goodness. I'm glad to hear it didn't take her multiple days to get home from Robert's house.

and called the police right away. The nice sergeant at first couldn't believe her, but when she told him her story, he had to admit that sounded a lot like a murder to him! They'd go over to murder Robert right away.

Oh, dear. I see we're in a punishment-fit-the-crime society.

Scene break!

"How are you doing?" Della asked, putting a hand on Dax's pillow. 

He shrugged and squirmed a little in the white sheeted bed. "I'm restless. I'm bored. I've got nothing to do."

Maybe he would be less bored if he was in the blue sheeted bed.

"Oh." Della tried to think of how to bring the subject up, but finally just said, "I thought I should tell you I'm in love with you."

Casual. Subtle. Great timing.

Dax's eyes got really big.

I'd think he'd run out of the hospital screaming.

"Really? Hmm. That's interesting."

Really? Hmm. That's incredibly anticlimactic.

Della hadn't known what she was going to get, but she had been hoping for slightly more than a "Hmm. That's interesting". 

She was hoping for him to tell her how smart she was.

Her eyes registered her disappointment, she supposed, because Dax quickly said, "That's not a bad 'That's interesting', just a 'That's interesting' 'That's interesting'."

Ah. All is clear.

Della's ears perked up at that.

Finally Dax said, "Well, you're still in high school. Once you get into college we'll talk about it."

Nice to see Dax is practical as ever... How old IS he, anyway?

Della gave a huge grin and said, "That sounds like a GREAT idea!"

And Dax said, "On second thought... How about we put the talking about it on hold indefinitely?"

Then she sat down on his bed and watched cartoons with him for hours and hours.

Well, this is an exciting end to the story.

THE END

So Mr. Jorgenson gets away with his smuggling thing. Not to mention the fact that Della spends the entire story chasing him when he actually has NOTHING to do with it. HECK YES.

Thanks for following along with me on Della's story. Next week, I'll be back with something else snarky... but I'm not announcing what yet because I haven't completely made up my mind.

Della, Part 8

Last time, Della followed Mr. Jorgenson to a mysterious warehouse where he was apparently smuggling "test scores," which were guarded by a "panther jaguar." She was nearly killed but Dax rescued her, only to reveal that her stalkery policeman friend was the one who murdered her parents. There's only one more chapter after this one, so things move along pretty quickly here...

Della couldn't believe it. The man had seemed so nice when she first talked to him, he had comforted her during her greatest time of grief. Now he turned out to have caused that greatest time of grief! Oooh, she was going to get him for this.

That seems like a pretty mild response. That's the kind of thing you say when people saran wrap your car.

What he did couldn't be condoned by any priest under any circumstances. She gritted her teeth and punched her fist into the side door of the car.

Dax looked at her out of the corner of his ye. "Careful there," he said with a mocking grin. "I don't want you punching holes in my car."

Didn't she poke holes in Mr. Jorgenson's trunk? Dax has reason to be worried, I guess.

Della shook her head. "I just can't believe he would do something like that. I'm going to confront him."

Anyone surprised by this plan of hers? Nope, me neither. Della's plan: Always. Confront. Everyone.

Dax looked at her out of the corner of his eye.

That corner is mighty busy.

"Confront him? Is that the wisest idea?" he said slowly. "HE may be violent - "

He just might, given that he's killed both her parents.

"I have to," Della said, her eyes wide. "For my parents. For me."

For the Gipper.

Dax said nothing to that, he could only not.

He just could only not. For real.

When he dropped her off in front of Robert's mansion, he nodded to her. "If you need anything," he said, "call me on the phone." 

Wow. Now there's a protective friend, non?

Della nodded and he drove off, leaving her in a pile of dirt 

Dax's friendship definitely leaves something to be desired.

in the front of the mansion. 

Why does Robert have a pile of dirt in front of his mansion? Heck, why does Robert have a mansion?

She turned around and looked up at the gigantic white house. She wondered vaguely if he had bought the money for the mansion with the money that he had gotten from doing whatever illegal things her father had caught him doing.

Because THAT'S not a complicated sentence.

Then a disturbing thought occurred to her. If he had been willing to kill once to protect his integrity, might he not do it again? 

Aaaaaaand the lightbulb turns on.

That must have been what Dax meant when he said it might be dangerous. She hadn't really considered it.

And now that she's considered it, she'll walk away like an intelligent person, right?

Oh, well, she had gone too far to back out, now.

Wrong!

She walked up the giant stone steps to knock on the front door. When theye was no answer, she reached up and poked the doorbell.

Poke. Poke. Bother. Bother. 

A moment later, the door opened, and a black-clad maid stood there, nervously gripping the edge of the door. "Yes miss?" she said.

Not only does Robert live in a mansion, he lives in a mansion from the 1800s.

"I'd loke to speak to Mr. Robert Plaintive," Eella said with determination.

What sort of accent is "Eella" trying to pull off here?

The maid's eyes grew wide. "Don't nobody see Mr. Plaintive except through appointment," she whispered. 

She is... a maid from a movie.

"Would you like me to make an appointment for you?" 

Handy dandy maid and secretary all rolled into one!

Della didn't answer, but simply shoved the poor girl out of the way 

When Della's about to confront, she doesn't hold back.

and ran into the living room where she found Mr. Plaintive in a large reclining chair smoking a cigarette and musing on the state of his life. 

He spends his time well I see.

He turned around when he saw her come in, and said, with a gesture of surprise, "What ARE you doing here, Della?" 

Della put her hands on her hips and said, " I came to find out why you thought it was necessary to kill my parents."

Get right to the point, why don't you, Della?

Robert's face drained of blood, and he began to stammer, "But I - but I - "

Della appears to have this affect on most people. I want to learn her confronting techniques.

Della shook her head. "No buts, ands, or ifs! conjunctions! I want to know why you killed my parents and if you're going to kill me now."

"Because if the answer to that is yes, I'd rather leave right now, thank you."

Robert rested one hand on his head and said, "You know, that's not a bad idea--" 

He hadn't considered it up until now?

When he saw the expression on her face, he said, "I'm kidding." 

Yeah. That's a great thing to joke about.

Then he sat there, thinking for a moment. "I don't know that I'm really sure how to answer that question," he said. "I don't know if I killed your parents or not."

There's a great explanation coming up.

Della stared at him in disbelief. "How can you not KNOW?"

"Well, I wasn't exactly in full possession of my faculties at the time," he said

"You were intoxicated!" she accused him.

"Actually, no, I was hypnotized," he said.

Best excuse ever.

She stared at him. "How could you commit a murder when you were hypnotized?"

Sheesh, don't you watch stupid old horror movies?

"Oh, quite easily, if the hypnotist says 'Go murder these people,' you have to do it. So I did." Robert shrugged. "I'm awfully sorry, 

He's SO CASUAL about all this.

but I didn't find out until just last night. Now I'm being blackmailed by the hypnotist because if I don't cooperate with him he'll call the police and tell them I did it and he's got photos and everything."

Della's heart began to beat for this man. 

Wha-?? Della is going to fall in love with him?

"Just give them the same story you gave me. I'm sure they'll understand." 

That's... not horribly likely.

Robert snorted. "Yes, sure, they will." He took a swig of his Mountain Dew. 

Product placement! And I'm not sure Mountain Dew is something one "swigs."

"Don't ever doubt it for a moment," he muttered to himself. 

What IS he talking about?

"But really, I'm very sorry."

I think he thinks the topic's closed now.

Della sobbed incessantly, "YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!" 

I LOVE Della's mood swings. She is all calm a few sentences ago and now...

Robert stood up and shrugged his shoulders again. "I don't know what else to say. I AM sorry, but it wasn't my family."

I sense he's not showing quite as much sympathy as he could be...

Della shook her head. Then she stalked out of the house.

It wasn't until she got back to her own house that she began to wonder if she was even hearing the whole story. Couldn't Robert be lying through his teeth to her? 

She thinks of these things always a little bit too late.

Maybe Dax would have some ideas. She picked up the phone to call him but just as she did the doorbell rang. She put down the phone and ran to the door eagerly. When she opened it, it was Dax, this time with a large steak on a plate. Oh, yes, she had forgotten he was bringing her food again.

As had the author, for a bit.

"Yum, steak," she said to him when she opened the door. "Let's eat it."

She's regained her composure quite well.

They brought out forks and knives and ate the stake at the kitchen table, 

Yum, yum. Wooden stake. Seasoned with garlic. No vampires will bother them tonight.

and then eventually Della gave him all the information she'd gotten from Robert. Dax shook his head. "He's lying, lying!" he exclaimed.

Dax has evolved from the one sensible character in the story to... this.

"I was following him, he never went to any hypnotist. 

Well, that would explain how Dax knew Robert was the killer... but not why he didn't say anything earlier.

Nor has he been withdrawing large amounts of cash from the bank, so he couldn't have a blackmailer."

...And he's seen his bank statement? Dax is a thorough detective.

Della raised one eyebrow. "How do you know all this?"

Finally, a good question from Della.

"I have my reasons." Dax took a spoonful of cereal. 

Steak and cereal. The quintessential meal.

The milk flew everywhere.

He's not a very tidy eater, is he?

"I think you should go back and tell him again that you know he's lying."

Dax is also 100% for the direct confrontation tactic now...

"What about all that 'he could be dangerous' stuff?" Della asked, slightly curious and embarrassed.

"Well, we needn't go into that need we?" 

I see he's taken his personality reversal medicine this morning.

Dax said, putting his napkin under his teeth.

First the steak wasn't enough for dinner so he had to have cereal... now he has to eat the table linen too? Or is this some bizarre dinner table ritual?

"I suppose we needn't," Della said, letting her eyes wander down to her lap.

WHY is Della getting so shy all of a sudden?

Then the truth came out. Della stood up to do the dishes but Dax went into the other room to study.

Wait, wait, did we skip over the truth bit?

Before long Dax said, "I'm going home," and he laughed, 

Relieved to get away from her?

and Della realized she missed him a lot. 

...before he even left?

Maybe she was falling in love. Kathunk kathunk. That was the sound of her heart falling.

Yup. It's confirmed. I'm the most amazing writer in all of history.

It was truly beautiful.

Kathunk is NOT that beautiful a sound.

She loved Dax. He must not love her, though, because he just left her.

I'm giggling like mad rereading this. Oh, the dramas of being in love with a Dellalike emotional quotient...

She'd have to wait until the next day to find out for sure what he thought of her. 

She couldn't wait until the morning came. Dax would come with breakfast, and then she would tell him what she thought and everything would go perfectly lovelyly. She joyously showered and washed her hair and got ready for the day in general. Her teeth were brushed to perfection, although it seemed rather silly since she would be eating in a few moments.

Hey, can't look too good for Dax.

However when time ran up she began to be worried, and picked up the phone to call him. The phone rang eighteen times on his end before she finally let the receiver fall onto the phone itself. Maybe something was wrong with him! She put on her quickly coat 

The coat that allows her to move quickly?

and ran down the street to his little apartment that she knew so well.

There was an ambulance outside.

Her heart beat faster. No, not Dax too!

Oh no oh no oh noooooooo!

She ran inside, looking left and right for the police in her way, and then made her way up the stairs to where Dax's apartment was. Someone was carrying Dax out on a stretcher. Her looked so white and helpless.

Her did, did she?

Della reached out and grabbed his hand, but it was cold and clammy, and she pulled it away with a shriek of disgust. 

She must not be all THAT enamored of him.

A man in a white coat was coming out of Dax's apartment, and Della grabbed him by the coat and snarled, "I demand to know what's going on here!"

The man replied simply, "He took two thousand pills and now we have to pump his stomach."

OH. MY. Oh. My.
This might be my sentence of the entire thing. I'm thinking if he took 2000 pills, they might do a bit more than pump his stomach. In other news, this guy was much less thrown by Della's aggressive style than most people.

Suicide? No, Dax, couldn't have tried that! He was too full of life! 

This sentence does not have the ring of originality.

She knew in the pit of her stomach what he really happened. That horribly Robert Plaintive had put all those pills in his foot.

That's right. DEATH BY INJECTION OF TWO THOUSAND PILLS INTO THE FOOT!!! Typos + speed writing = worst murder plot.

Oooh, the man made her so mad!

Again, something of an underreaction. That Robert Plaintive, he's such a stinker!

With her fists clenched, her teeth gritted, her shoulders back and her feet stomping, 

That's about as aggressive as you can make yourself look.

she marched to Robert Plaintive's house and pounded on the door.

That doesn't work though... you have to poke the bell!

The maid opening the door once more said, "I don’t think you'd better come on, miss. He's in quite a foul mood-"

From murder most foul.

"I WILL see him!" Della said, pushing past the man 

The maid is a man?

and removing her scarf. "He'll see me once he hears what I've got to say."

The maid shrugged and gestured toward the same room Robert had been in the night before.

Add the maid to the list of people Della can walk all over with little to no effort.

Della wandered on it, and Robert was once again sitting the large red backed chair facing the fireplace. 

Was he contemplating life again?

When he heard her he stood and turned to greet her. "Why, Della," he said slowly, "it's so nice to see you again."

I suspect this isn't the whole truth.

"I'm sure it is," she said, ice in her voice. "But I'm sure it would be far nicer to see me dead!"

Don't give away your hostility all at once, Della...

Robert's eyes got hard and cold. "Don't be silly. I wouldn't want anyone dead."

Somehow that's not convincing.

"Not even Dax?" She put her hands on her hips and her eyes rolled upward. She had him this time, and he knew it too.

His eyes widened. "How did you know about Dax?"

NOW she's got him. Because he's stupid and completely gave himself away.

"The question is how did YOU know about Dax?" She leaned forward until his nose was in his face. 

That's... something.

"You have to tell me!" 

He shook his head. "I - I had to do it!" he blurted out. "Life wouldn't be the same without him!"

I'm not sure I'm following his reasoning.

She put her hands on her hips and said, "Aha, so you decided to kill him?" 

He broke down into sobs. "Yes! Yes! I did! He knew too much, he could get me kicked out of my job!"

WOW! Della is good at this interrogation thing!

"Well, you're not doing a very good job enforcing the law when you're a murderer, now can you?" 

I wonder if he's thought of this.

Della couldn't believe the audacity of this guy. He still thought he could be a policeman when he wasn't even a non-killer? 

They probably ask you that on your application. "Are you a killer or a non-killer?"

"You KNOW I'm going to turn you in." 

Robert fell to his knees. "No! No, please don't! Please, I beg of you!" 

He's not all that tough without his stray bullets and pill syringes.

But Della ignored his heartfelt pleas and coldly turned and walked toward the door.

She heard Robert stand to his knees 

That's not standing very much.

and then heard him mutter in a low, cold voice, "Attack!"

She turned around just in time to see a giant python running toward her. 

Oh. Right. I'd forgotten the giant running python. Running. With LEGS, apparently.

"AAAAHHHH!" she yelled. "Why are you doing this?"

I'll give ya three guesses.

"He's just hungry," Robert said, a malicious glint in his eyes. "I think it's time he had . . . FOOD!" 

Talk about a threatening line.

Quick as a flash, he ran to the door and locked them with a key so she couldn't get out. 

It's a cliffhanger!

Della, Part 7

Last time, Della sneaked into the back of Mr. Jorgenson's car -- again -- and wound up a LONG way from home.

You should all know that this is probably my favorite chapter of the whole story.

She sat there in the backseat, waiting patiently as he drove miles and miles

That's pretty stinking patient.

until he finally reached an abandoned warehouse. He parked in the parking lot outside

And what a good place that is to park.

and then got out of the car and walked into the house. Della wanted to know what was going on, so she wandered on inside. 

It was dark in there, and she reached out to turn on a light switch 

Hold that thought there, Della. You're not wearing your inconspicuous long evening gown and mask, so Mr. Jorgenson MIGHT see you.

but then realized probably Mr. Jorgenson would be in there, 

Since he went in there and all.

and she didn't want to alert him, definitely not.

Definitely, definitely not. Definitely in a box with no TV.

She crouched down behind a barrel and watched him walk toward a ring of light in the center. Suddenly a different man materialized in front of him and said, "You have the money?"

Yup, there's something shady happening here. And it involves people who are maybe able to materialize...

Mr. Jorgenson nodded, looked around him, then reached in his pocket and handed over a wad of bills.

The man thumbed through them, then nodded in satisfaction. "All your stuff is in the back," he said, nodding his head toward a room that Della hadn't noticed before now. Boxes were stacked in it. She wondered what was in the boxes. Obviously something Mr. Jorgenson was buying.

This is a fairly logical train of thought, actually. Simplistic logic, but hey, it's more than Della's mastered up until now. I'm impressed.

"Now remember, don't tell anyone about this," the man said, putting a finger to his lips.

Er... okay.

"I'm not stupid!" Mr. Jorgenson said, offended.

I beg to differ. He didn't notice when Della made a FLYING LEAP into the BACK SEAT of his car.

"I know better than to run squealing to the cops about this."

"Just checking," said the man. "Some people haven't been as careful, and then CLICK!" He mimed shooting a gun into someone's head. Mr. Jorgenson winced.

Yeah, I feel threatened. How about you?

"Yeah, ok, I know, I know, just take me to the gold," he said.

The man led him into the back room, where the two men shut the door. Della couldn't see through the door 

She is spoiled by her hole-filled door at home.

into what they were doing. She sat pondering behind the barrel.

Best place to ponder!

Obviously Mr. Jorgenson was involved in something illegal. 

No! Really?

What was in those barrels? 

Barrels? Besides the one she's sitting behind? I think she means boxes.

She had to find out. Drugs? Evil papers?

Watch out for those evil papers. They attack and papercut you to death.

Children being sold into slavery? 

...That they stack in boxes in warehouses? That can't be the most efficient way to store human beings.

Mr. Jorgenson came out a moment later, his hands full of boxes.

And that crosses off the possibility of them being full of children.

The man helped Mr. Jorgenson loaded them into his car, and then Mr. Jorgenson drove off into the sunlight.

Oh, my. A lot of time has passed since Della jumped into his car.

Della wasn't with him, she had decided to stay behind so she could get a look at the boxes. She could always call someone to come pick her up.

Er... Della has lost all indication that she EVER thought sensibly. Which, I mean, she didn't to begin with, but...

As soon as the mysterious man vanished into wherever he came from, Della crept over to the door and pushed it open. It squeaked open and lay rusting on his hinges as she tiptoed in and looked in awe at the millions of boxes 

That is a LOT of boxes.

scattered across the floor. Which to open first? They most likely all contained the same thing,

See, if they're the same on the outside, they're always the same on the inside too.

so whichever one she opened would contain what the rest of them did. 

She took a deep breath, chose one and random, and opened it.

Inside lay a nest of papers. 

A bird sat on top of the nest.

She pulled them out and began looking over them. Oh goodness! They were test scores! Mr. Jorgenson was slipping test scores to people! 

Now hold on just one second. Mr. Jorgenson's illegal purchase is TEST SCORES? Not even test answer sheets. SCORES. As in "Billy got an 89, Susie got a 96." The only law that can possibly breach is some sort of student-teacher confidentiality thing. This is nonsense.

She couldn't believe his audacity, 

I can't believe his moronity.

and was about to turn around and report it to the police,

Who were coincidentally standing right behind her...?

when she felt a cold hand on her shoulder. She whipped around and saw the mysterious man holding her shoulder, 

It appears he ripped her shoulder off.

a grim smile on his face that didn't look at all pleasant.

"I see you've discovered our treasure trove," 

And quite a trove it was, I must say.

he said, without humor in his voice. "Now it's time to pay you."

Uh... Yeah, I messed that one up. It SHOULD have been "Now it's time for you to pay." But perhaps they're going to bribe her?

He cuffed her on the shoulder and all went black. 

Oh, my. That's a powerful hit.

When she woke up, she was tied to a chair in the same back room, a gag in her mouth and her chair leaned up against a wall. No one was in the room but she supposed someone was.

Er, sure.

She tried making a noise, maybe if they came she could explain to them that she was just on her way, just leaving, 

NICE TRY.

but nobody came when she called.

Except...

She suddenly noticed a stirring in the corner of the room. It was a very large feline creature 

So... a cat.

which lay napping lazily in the corner, its tongue flicking in and out when it yawned.

It is SO tired, it yawns AS it naps.

It opened one eye, glanced around, and then glocsed it again. Della realized in an instant what it is. It was a panther jaguar.

This panther jaguar is an amazing creature, let me tell you.

She had read about them in school, they were the deadliest of cats and could tear a human being to shreds in an instant.

But of course this is all pretty common knowledge. I'm sure you all knew that

Not only would she have to be careful, they had probably left it there as a trap in case she tried to escape.

Er... yes. Guard those test scores, Mr. Panther Jaguar!

She realized joyously that she still had her cell phone in her pocket.

I don't know how else she thought she was going to call someone to "come pick her up."

Maybe she could escape if she could call somebody.

Well, yes, maybe.

She wouldn't get attacked by the cat unless she moved out of the room, presumably,

She's making a lot of dangerous assumptions about how this panther jaguar operates.

so if she could just get a hold of it--

She moved and the cat opened its eyes and let out a warning snarl. She let her hands stay in the position they had been. Obviously she had been wrong. The cat would attack if she tried to move or untie herself. The captives have been far too clever.

Well, aside from the incorrect use of the word "captives," it's nice to point out that they'd been so clever that they didn't practically open the door and let her waltz out.

She racked her brain trying to think of what other clever things she could do. Nothing was coming to mind.

I hate it when I'm trying to think of clever things and nothing comes to mind.

She began to think that she would never get out of here, when she heard a familiar noise outside. It was a car. Dax's car.

I am unbelievably impressed that she can recognize Dax's car by its sound. Almost as impressed as I am that Dax is somehow here. Miles and miles away.

"I'M IN HERE!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Note how I completely forgot about the gag.

The cat jumped to its feet, snarling and snapping. Della paid it no attention but kept yelling, "DAX, DAX, COME HELP ME, I'M IN HERE!" The cat began to walk toward her, its leathery paws tapping the floor in rhythms.

This... has to be one of the most amazing mental images ever. Why, the panther jaguar ALWAYS rhythmically tapdances over to its prey.

Della squirmed and squealed in her chair, hoping to escape herself

THAT wasn't translated from Spanish to English using Google Translate.

so she could run from the monster. "THERE'S A CAT MONSTER IN HERE!" she screamed next.

Hey, it's not a MONSTER. It's just a panther jaguar.

She wouldn't want Dax to come in unprepared. That would be the most horrible thought. He would mauled in an instant by this lovely creature.

Yes, this lovely... monster... Della has no idea what she thinks of the p.j.

She squirmed some more, as the cat put one paw up on her knee.

"Now, now, Della," the p.j. said calmly, "we must stop screaming, mustn't we?"

If she moved any further the cat should push down and push her knee off. 

That is NOT a pleasant image. But an interesting one.

She had to stay completely still now. The cat gazed into her eyes as if saying "Don't you try THAT stunt again," and then dropped down onto the floor, padded back to the corner, and curled up and lay down.

Apparently the cat didn't hear the sound of Dax's car...

She wasn't fooled though, it wasn't sleeping, not by a long shot.

Yeah, you've gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool Della. Or at least the morning after you've fooled her, so you can dispose of the body.

She could be cleverer!! 

Glad to hear it. I've been waiting for that.

She began to sneeze violently. The cat opened its eyes, unsure whether to count this as a thing or not.

"A thing"? I think I just ran out of words here.

Then it finally closed its eyes again, assuming it was just a normal sneeze. Della kept sneezing, though, 

I really want to know how one sneezes, gagged. But I guess she's been managing to talk, so...

hoping Dax would recognize her sneeze for what it was and follow her sneeze trail to where she was kept.

If he's taken Sneeze Trail Following 101, he just might figure it out.

A moment later, the doors were thrown open and Dax burst in, holding a pitchfork in his arms. "Come away, cat!" 

The attack of the horrible dialogue!

he yelled at the feline, who had lazily opened one eye and then jumped to its feet at the sight of an intruder in its territory. It snarled as it moved forward slowly as Dax backed up, shoving the pitchfork at it and jabbing it.

Is it tapping its feet on the floor in rhythms? That's when you should get nervous.

Finally when they were so far out of the room that Della couldn't see them anymore, she heard a wild scream and began to panic. Had Dax been mauled?? What would she do? She might get mauled too... 

But note how she isn't really worried about Dax...

But a moment later, Dax came into the room, his pitchfork gone now, and wiping his hands on his pants.

Sounds like quite an adventurous triumph...

"All's well," he said. "Let's get you untied."

She didn't ask what had happened to the cat until he got the gag off.

Why not? Obviously Della can still speak with it in. And sneeze too!

Then she said, "What did you do to it?"

"Oh, that thing," Dax said, dismissively waving his hand.

"That old thing? I've had one in my home for years. They're quite easy to deal with. A bit of a nuisance, but that's all."

"I lured it into a pile of gasoline rags and then set it on fire. Let's go."

Oh........my. I think this speaks for itself.

Her ropes were on the floo besider her, and she was able to get up and move around now. It felt good. Her arms and legs were sore from being in one position for so long. She hadn't moved in hours. Finally she and Dax could walk out.

Now that she's noted how good it feels to move.

She avoided looking at the disgusting pile of whatever it was on the floor on the right. She assumed it was the cat but she wasn't about to look and find out.

Is it near a pile of gasoline rags? Actually, if it is the cat, it's probably still on fire.

As they got into Dax's red sports car, 

As all archaeologists drive.

Della asked curiously, "How DID you know that I was here?"

Just what I was wondering.

Dax nodded. "Easy. You left your cell phone on and I traced your last call.

...What? And Dax says he can't find her parents' murderers... *shakes head*

I needed to talk to you. I think I've found out who killed your parents."

I knew it!

Della jumped up and down in her seat. "You don't say! Well, don't be quiet about it, spill spill!"

Dax put on his blinker and headed onto a dirt road, where they proceeded to bounce up and down as they traveled the path.

That fact is so important. It's pretty much the key to the ENTIRE STORY.

"I don't have absolute proof," he said, "but I have some evidence to support the fact that it was a man who your father had some information on. He threatened to go to the police about it. This man panicked and killed him and your mother." 

Della was astonished. "How on earth did you find all this out?" 

Dax waved his hand. "Never mind all that.

Ha! This way I don't have to explain it either!

The point is, how are we going to prove it?"

This would actually be easier to know if we knew how he found it out in the first place.

Della leaned back in her seat and put her feet up on the dashboard, wondering this very same question. "Well, the first thing I need to know," she said, "is what's his name?"

"Can't possibly prove it without his name."

Dax turned toward her and gave her a steady gaze. "His name," he said, "is Robert Plaintive." 

Della shook her head. If she was supposed to recognize the name, she didn't.

"He's your police man friend," Dax said.

PLOT TWIST!!!!!!!

Della, Part 6

In our last episode, Della talked to an old lady who gave her no information at all, found something that proved Mr. Jorgenson bought a gun recently, and made Dax super angry. Here's what happened next.

The next day Dax hadn't called, and Della was beginning to be worried,

Maybe a stray bullet hit HIS car too!

so up she picked the phone

No prepositions at the end of MY sentence. Or... words like "up." In the middle of my sentence.

and dialed. On the first ring Dax answered, "Yes?" he said.

"I want to know where you are," Della demanded.

Obviously he is at home if he is answering the phone.

"Where have you been and why haven't you called me?"

Gosh. She is WHINY.

Dax sighed. "I just left last night, let me have a few hours of privacy!"

That's reasonable. Which means Della will hate the concept.

Della shook her head. "Privacy is a privilege and you don't get it. Life's too complicated for that.

Life is too complicated for privacy?

Over here right now, get you, 

"Or use the Force on you Yoda will."

and you have to work on this deep project!"

I'm not sure I'd call it "deep" so much as...anything else but deep.

Dax said, "Didn't you hear a word I say last night? I don't know what to DO with that, so I'm just not going to try."

Dax is apparently a bit of a defeatist.

Della stopped her foot 

Which was good, since it had developed sentience and wanted to go off and make a life for itself. Obviously I meant "stomped."

and said, "But that's quitting!"

Astute observation.

"You bet that quitting," Dax said smugly, 

SMUGLY? Wow, say hello to the whole new Dax!

"and that's just what I intend to do!"

Della couldn't believe her mouth, 

Or...Dax's words. Which is what I meant. Possibly "the words coming out of Dax's mouth."

she just sat there with her mouth open going, "Uhhhh...." and then finally she said, "So you mean you're not going to help me?"

DING DING DING DING! We have a winner!

Dax shook his head firmly. "I'm definitely not going to. And furthermore, I can't stand working with you."

Wow. When he asserts himself, he really ASSERTS!

The pain! The agony! Della furiously said, "That all?"

"I think you should know I'm feeling pain and agony right now!"

"No. Can't you just let this whole thing along? It's not going to do anything good." 

"Well, I NEVER!" Della said, 

Good comeback, Della. Good comeback.

and hung up the phone. A moment later she considered and picked it up and called her lawyer. Mr. Roth.

Oh, my. She's going to sue Dax? One might consider this an overreaction.

Mr. Roth told her that, yes, Dax could get a lot of trouble for what he had said her. 

In what alternate reality?

It was called slander or something like that, and he could get up to a year in prison for it. Della thought about that but didn't think that really that would be appropriate. "No, never mind," she said.

I think she was hoping for something equivalent to a light slap on the wrist.

She hoped she could still get him to change his mind and work on the project with her.

When she hung up the phone and placed it back on her receiver, 

She did indeed do both.

she realized with a start that she never finished following Mr. Jorgenson yesterday, 

She should go back to yesterday and try again!

and wondered if she should try following him again today. Yes, that was a good plan, she decided, and she would do so.

She cragbbed

Cragbbedding... One of my favorite hobbies.

her happy coat 

O joyous coat!

and ran out the door, hair flying.

Mr. Jorgenson had replaced the tire so was able to drive to work, but luckily Della was able to sneak into the trunk when he wasn't looking.

The question is, how is she planning on getting out?

All the way there she heard him humming to the tunes on the radio and flipping through the dials, and occasionally turning on his cell phone to talk to someone he knew. The conversations were quite interesting, although Della didn't understand them. Lots of talk about business and stocks. I didn't know he had enough money for stocks, Della said suspiciously to herself.

When the car finally stopped in front of the factory where Mr. Jorgenson still worked, 

Wow, he managed to hold on to his job for a day! Fabulous!

Della quickly poked a hole in the trunk before it went on idle.

She really needs to give lessons on this. Apparently you can escape from a car by simply "poking a hole in the trunk" before something (the car?) goes on "idle"...

In just a moment she had jumped out while Mr. Jorgenson was idling over to the gates and entering.

Apparently Mr. Jorgenson went on idle too.

Della hoped today's day would be more interesting, as she couldn't imagine a day quite as boring as the one she'd spent before trying to follow him around.

Uh... yesterday was pretty full of adventure, actually, I'd say.

Maybe she could sit outside with her back against a tree and –

Wait one minute!

A suspicious thought came into her mind. He had bought a new hat yesterday. Why wasn't he wearing it today?

Look, just because Della would do that, doesn't mean Mr. Jorgenson must.

Why should one buy new hands if one wasn't going to wear them?

...New hands? 

She got a hunch and began to poke around in his car, and sure enough, she found the really weird hat buried underneath a pile of clothes that smelled vaguely of vanilla.

Dun dun dun! By the way, I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm pretty sure this part of the mystery is never solved.

She tried putting the hat on but had a feeling it just looked incredibly stupid

When in doubt, try on suspects' clothes.

so it came back off and she tossed it off in the direction.

The direction... of... something.

Maybe she should put it back, though, she didn't want Mr. Jorgenson to know she'd been spying.

She is likely to get caught very, very soon with these methods.

At that moment her cell phone today rang 

She has one for every day of the year?

and Dax was on it. She almost hung up but then had to listen. 

She just had to!

Maybe it was an apologize.

Della has a loose grasp on the use of nouns.

"Hey, Della?"

"Yes, Dax?"

"Well, Della..."
"Yes, Dax?"
"Hello, Della."
"Hello, Dax."

"I just wanted to say that if you really wanna sue me, you may want to wait until after your whatever it is with the Jorgensons.

Apparently he's been following HER - how else did he know she was going to sue him?

If they really are the ones who killed your parents you want to save your savings for taking all theirs."

Dax... always practical!

Della's heart stopped. Such a practical suggestion!! 

I bet it would just send a shiver of joy up his spine if she informed him how practical he was.

But to put off her revenge on Dax . . . oh, she supposed to could for a short time. 

She already had planned to, after all.

"That's a good plan," she said reluctantly."I'll go with.it."

Dax breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm glad to hear it." 

I'll bet he is.

Then he hung up the phone and Della went back to her uninteresting task of spying on the factory where Mr. Jorgenson worked.

Apparently not as uninteresting as yesterday, though.

Hmm. He hadn't had a brown paper bag today, either. Was he not eating lunch? That couldn't have been the answer, everyone in the world ate lunch!!

They do! They do!!!

It wasn't the last thing on her mind, but she had to eat some lunch, too.

Er... sure.

Across the street was a diner, maybe she could grab something quick there.

That's what she did. As the hours went on she scooted to the diner across the street, 

This conjures up images of Della scooting over an inch every thirty minutes or so.

where a happy waitress served her some disgusting greasy food and said, "I'm sure you'll like it ma'am" even though she didn't like it at ALL.

This is one of my favorite brief descriptive passages EVER.

She kept gazing out the window toward the factoy, hoping that Mr. Jorgenson would show up soon. She was tired of sitting in the leather plated boots waiting for him to appear.

Well, maybe she should stop sitting in the leather plated "boots." I'd think it'd be a lot better than sitting in the bushes, though.

She couldn't wait to get out of the diner and away from the ignorant people.

Everyone there must have been an archaeologist.

Her prayers were answered when suddenly the door opened and Mr. Jorgenson came back out, another black bag with him. Where did THIS one come from? Della jumped up so fast that her coffee went flying over the edge

There it goes!

and onto the floor. A waitress slipped on it. Della ran out the door yelling over her shoulder, "I'm so sorry about the mess, I'm in a hurry!" and just kept going.

Lovely.

When she got to Mr. Jorgenson's car, he was almost pulling out of the parking lot, but she managed to take a flying leap into the back seat.

Oh. My. Oh. My.

He seemed to sense something 

I should certainly hope so!

and turned around to see what was going on, but she had safely rolled herself onto the floor. He gave a shrug and backed out, then pointed the nose of his car in the direction of the sunset and drove steadily.


It was late midnight by the time he stopped, 

Holy cow. He's been driving for awhile.

and it was at a gas station. Out he got to pump the gas.

"Out you go, Mr. Jorgenson!"

When he went inside, Della jumped up out of her seat to see if it was someplace she knew. They were almost three hundred and fifty miles from home!

There must have been a sign: "348 miles from home."

What was she to do? She did have her cell phone, she knew that, if they got too stuck she could always call Dax or the police station or somebody and they could come and get her.

Just then Mr. Jorgenson came back and got back into the car, his arms full of snack crackers. 

That sounds like they weren't even packaged, he just scooped up as many as he could hold and ran.

Della slid down into the backseat again, and Mr. Jorgenson didn't pay any attention.

My gosh. Mr. J is NOT the most observant person in this story.

The next chapter gives us some answers that don't make any sense but it's also one of my favorite parts of the whole story. Stuff just gets weirder from here on out.