What Happens When You Remove a Syllable from a Movie Title?

For anyone who didn't read the monster this post turned into last week, I wanted to share my favorite results with you this week.

Last Thursday, I posted this on my Facebook:

Last night, Jacob was scrolling through his music player and came across "Leggy Blonde" by Flight of the Conchords. All I could think was that it was "Legally Blonde" with a missing syllable. And then I started thinking of other movies that would have very different plus if you phonetically removed a syllable from the title. My list included The Return of the Jed, A Series of Fortunate Events, and Lent Hill. What would you add? You can even make up a silly plot synopsis for your new movie titles if you want.

This yielded over 200 comments from 5 friends chiming in with their ideas, so I thought I'd pass along the ones I liked the most. Feel free to submit your own in the comments -- or come up with possibly plots for any of the ones named here!

Dirt Dancing

Pretty Men

Dog Millionaire

How to Suc at Business Without Really Trying

The Little Maid

Drop Dead Gorge

Lice Academy

Sure, Holmes (a sarcastic retelling of the classic detective tales)

The Odd Cup

The True Show

The Leg Movie

Guardians of the Galley

Soupman (along with Soupman 2-4, Soupman Returns, and Batman v. Soupman)

The Visible Man

Pie of the Carribean

A Christmas Roll

Charlie's Gels

Man v. Superman

Dumb and Dumb

North by West

Zen

Man Holiday

To Kill a Mock Bird

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World

The Secret Guard

Lit Women

The Great Tater!

WALL

Captain Lips

Shop Around the Corn

For a Few Dolls More

Batman Begs

Monty Python and the Whole Grail

Good Hunting

How to Train Your Drag (Sorta like My Fair Lady but with a cast made entirely of drag queens)

Beet Juice

Twelve Keys

Bill and Ted's Excellent Advent (a Christmas special?)

A Christ Story (Not sure if this would be a Christian movie or a sacrilegious movie)

Psych (hotel manager makes creepy sounds in the bathroom then runs away saying "just kidding!")

Wars

The Girl with the dragon, too

Bill & Ted's Bogus Knee

Man in the Eye Mask

Dependence Day: When aliens attack earth, a computer genius and a fighter pilot team up to assist the aliens in their invasion. Events come to a head when the president gives a rousing speech about the joys of bending knee to the new overlords.

Finding Moe: An underwater Three Stooges adventure.

Mr. Holland's Pus

The Shin: Someone straps a GoPro to an anonymous person's leg for 2 hours.
(to which another friend added)
Shin's 11: Someone straps a GoPro to an anonymous person's leg for 11 hours

The Day the Earth Stood: Everyone on Earth forgets how to bend their knees.

Alvin and the Monks: A chipmunk parody of Sister Act, where Alvin is on the run and has to hide out in a monastery, only to start teaching all the monks a sense of mischief.

No Tree for Old Men

Night of the Living: In a world populated by zombies, terror strikes when non-zombies start walking the earth.

Riots of Fire

Around the World in 8 Days

Liver! Alternatively: Olive!
(to which I added)
And when they eat all the liver and olives, it's Over!

A Tale of Two Ties: Bow vs. Bolo - the savagery of the conflict examined.

The Trix: A dark post-apocalyptic story where the Trix Rabbit has taken over the world and no longer allows kids to have Trix.

The Turnator: A robot is created specifically to enforce children taking turns on the most popular parts of the playground.

Animal Crack: a farmer turns to drugs

For my Rinkie friends: A Rink in Time: Sam finds a TARDIS

The Duet: Dustin Hoffman must choose whether to sing a song with his girlfriend or her mother.

The Fast Club: A bunch of students run out of detention and no one can catch them.

Inglourious Turds. I'm not making up a synopsis for that.

The sister of the traveling pants: A pair of capris stays home and jealously reads the post cards her traveling sister sends.

Take all instances of titles with "Man Who" in them and remove "man" to learn about little-known events in the history of a certain English rock band. ("The Who Shot Liberty Valance", "The Who Would Be King", "The Who Wasn't There", "The Who Knew Too Much")

Thought of any more? Submit them here!

Potential Facebook Statuses (Part 2)

Back in November I posted a blog about using http://what-would-i-say.com to generate random Facebook statuses for me based on statuses I had actually posted. I've been playing with it again and have decided to share a few of my favorites with you, along with occasional commentary.

Bryce Who uses magic to do illegal things.

This is just me introducing you to one of my friends, I guess.

But then Elvis Presley and Taylor Swift came over to watch Community?

Hey, if Elvis and Taylor are going to visit my house, of course I'm going to make them watch Community. I make everyone watch Community.

Doggone it, dainty veins, why you shouldn't eat my puppy

I shouldn't have to provide a list of reasons why my veins shouldn't eat my puppy.

Writing an article about sensorineural hearing loss doing research for stupid slimy toy, take it

Those two topics are not at all connected, but I guess I'm going to write about them anyway. TAKE IT.

Yesterday, Lumps pooped on our Xbox, which then searched Bing Translate told you can

Thankfully, Puppy has never pooped on our Xbox. And I hope feces-activated search engines never become a thing.

Zombie? New fun week.

I love how casual this one is. "Ah, well, zombies. Another fun week."

I refuse to TALK ABOUT today TOE CRAMPS.
I refuse to allow BluRays on sale, they are kansas. Thanks, Swype.

These two were back-to-back. I refuse a lot of things.

And you fall into a dog.

There's something oddly poetic about this one to me.

I like the screams of 1000 devastated people.

This one is not so poetic.

I like drama, and missed the window.

There is only a narrow window for drama, you see.

Um, I actually ready to sleep tonight and wake up

If I'm ready to sleep and wake up, can't I just stay awake?

Mostly I'm annoyed that BluRay cases are not cheering for anything

Well, that is irritating, but whatcha gonna do about it?

Mom At first we will have $40 I used that helps a group called them over. Anyway. I hate you

What started off as a message to my mother ends on a rather awkward note.

Yesterday, Lumps was threatening to watch one peanut butter sandwich for dinner, Lumps has NO idea

I actually posted this one on Facebook when I found it. I love how scornful I sound. Dumb Puppy and her sandwich-watching ways!

The last 3 hours, with currently 1100 reported in our sink.

...There are 1100 reported hours in our sink?

I'm not going to make an awesome guy.

In fact, I would be a terrible one. Mostly on account of being a woman. Unless I'm talking about actually building one.

OH GOSH THEY definitely played with pins.

I am far too excited about this.

I like 6 forks. Wha?

What kind of madness is this? Liking 6 forks?

Last night's dream Missy Elliott wanted to stop pooping in five days!

Missy Elliott should probably be concerned if she is continually pooping for five days straight.

I like The screams of different types of hearing loss and I say that kind of humor.

There's a whole comedy genre of "screams of different types of hearing loss." That's my kinda comedy.

Go home! Go home! Character 2 and Mamma Mia. I just took a dark turn.

In comparison to that last status, this one isn't actually as dark as I seem to think it is.

Best of 2013: Facebook Posts

It's time to begin the yearly wrap-up posts! While everybody else is doing them at the end of December, I am a stickler for not beginning them until January, because you never know when there's going to be a sudden last-minute favorite.

Today we'll be looking at my favorite Facebook statuses of 2013. I try to post primarily entertaining things on my Facebook, and I have combed through them all and pulled out the ones that amused me the most, whether or not they seemed to entertain anyone else. They're in a weird order (it just happened to be the order in which I saved them from my Facebook), so statuses from December are intermingled with statuses from, like, March.

Anyway. Here is the list. If you're my Facebook friend and saw all these throughout the year, I hope you enjoy the re-read, and if you're just a blog reader and these are all new to you, I hope they amuse you as well.

On to my favorite statuses of 2013!

So, um, we may or may not be using the extra mattress and chairs in our hotel room to build a fort. I knew I married an awesome guy.

So I announced to Jacob that Whedon's Much Ado About Nothing came out on DVD today. Like 20 minutes later, the UPS truck pulled up and Jacob went to go pick up a package. When he came back, he handed me the Much Ado DVD, and said, "Happy birthday! I did, in fact, know that Much Ado came out today." Yay! That is fun.

Last night, I dreamed Jacob and I wanted to have a kid but couldn't, so we went to the doctor to see if they could help. They did some weird procedure where they surgically implanted a seal egg in my uterus. I asked them if there were any negative side effects to this procedure, and they said, "Well, 9 times out of 10, you'll give birth to a seal."
Seriously, I have no idea what the heck my brain does while I'm sleeping...

Two texts I just sent Jacob:
"Just as a heads up, I will almost certainly be napping if you call at 5. I stayed awake to get that letter from the moon and then to finish an seizure, but now I'm going to sleep."
"Um... by 'the moon' I mean 'your mom,' and by 'seizure,' I mean 'article.'"
My phone's autocorrect thinks I had a much more interesting afternoon than I did.

Forget all the "ringadingdingdingdingading" stuff, the best part of "The Fox" is the bizarrely mournful intensity of the line, "Ducks say quack and fish go blub." The guys sings that line like he's referencing a painful breakup. Did he have to learn the hard way that fish go blub?

I was trying to text, "Yay! God is the best!" but somehow the exclamation point turned into a 7 and "God" turned into "Gods" so I was suddenly saying, "Yay 7 Gods is the best!" which kind of goes against everything I believe in.

(Re: a sign we saw while driving)
Jacob: "Peacock water"? What is that?
Me: It's water for peacocks to live in. They are happiest living in the water. That's also why they're called “peacocks." Because they're like peas, which taste best when served in water.
Jacob: Um. I'm glad I'm the one who cooks the food.

Last night I dreamed I was at a church and they sang this bizarre and terrible hymn called "The Lord Thy God Demands Thy Soul." All the verses said things like, "God, take my eyesight, but not my soul!" and every chorus was God responding, "BUT THE LORD THY GOD DEMANDS THY SOUL!" The final verse revealed that your soul is literally a magnet inside you (yes, literally) keeping you stuck to the earth, so if God doesn't take your soul, you can't fly off the earth to go up to heaven.
My subconscious has some *goofy* theology. Also, that's a terrible hymn. Nobody write it.

The opening line to this Taylor Swift song sounded like, "It feels like a perfect night to dress up like Hitler." Turns out it was "hipsters," but for a moment I thought I'd figured out where all her relationships went wrong.

Jacob: (Gasp) WE SHOULD HAVE A HUNGER GAMES WEDDING!
Me: Where everyone kills each other?
Jacob: No, no. See, the party will all come up out of the ground, and then we'll all run away, and then... you and I will meet up at some point, and then... OK, yeah, I'm having a hard time figuring out how we do this without killing everyone.

The other night I dreamed I met a supervillain, and I realized he was a supervillain as soon as he said THE MOST SUPERVILLAINOUS THING OF ALL TIME: "Forever is far too long for a child to have legs."

I sent a text about Valentine's Day and Swype turned it into "Casserole's Day." BEST NEW HOLIDAY EVER.

Apparently my father has just shaved off his beard. I've never known him without one as long as I've been alive, so this is a very strange concept to me. I can't even visualize it. Heh. I kept trying to thing of something analogously strange, but for some reason the only comparison my mind can come up with is, "It's like if my mom shaved her head," which, er, doesn't really apply to my mother...

Jacob announced to Puppy that he was going to take a shower, but I thought he said, "Tell Hannah she needs to shower." I just figured we'd be the passive aggressive couple that passes insulting messages along to each other through the dog.

Last night I had a dream that Mama and Papa Berenstein Bear were giving Jacob and me premarital counseling on the day of our wedding, and Mama Bear was REALLY CONCERNED that Jacob and I couldn't identify any of the car parts she was naming (the names were things like "automov quadivrox"). Apparently that is the secret to a happy marriage.

My shoulder has been an arthritic mess all day. I wandered downstairs to complain about it, and so I went into the living room and just said, "Ow. Ow. Ow," over and over to Seth. He completely ignored me because he was busy singing the theme song for some anime. When he was done, he said, "Hannah, I wish you weren't in pain. But I had to finish singing my song." I told him I completely understood.

That church sign said, "People will disapoint. God never will." That church has already disappointed me, but it's nice to know God knows how to spell even if they don't.

I have finally figured a way to get the puppy to leave me alone while I'm working: put a balloon next to me. She is terrified of this balloon and won't come near it. WIN.

I informed Jacob that I will never refer to us as Lumps' parents, nor do I ever want him to call me her mother. This morning he tried "Aunt Hannah," and I gave him a stern look and told him I am not related to her. So we've settle on a compromise. I will now be known to the puppy as Commandant Hannah.

Right before I settle down to go to sleep, Jacob says, "Don't get killed by Slender Man," and leaves. GEE THANKS I WILL TOTALLY BE ABLE TO SLEEP NOW

(Finally deflating an air mattress that's been set up since the wedding.)
Me: This is very old air.
Jacob: We should have bottled it and been like, "This is our wedding air!"
Me: I'm sure people have done similarly odd things.
Jacob: "Odd"? (Sighs) You just don't understand romance, do you?

The guy who plays Bernardo from West Side Story is a random dancer in the movie White Christmas. You can see him in Betty's "Love, You Didn't Do Right By Me" song. However, I discovered during this last viewing that you can also see him in the earlier "Mandy" number. This means when Betty left Bob and Phil's show to go do her own thing, she STOLE one of their dancers. What's the story here? Did he fall in love with her and follow her? Did he hate working on the show and was just looking for an excuse to leave? Did she try to get the entire cast to mutiny and he was just one of the few who followed? SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.

A special 12 of you have been selected to get leftover Christmas stamps on the wedding invites I'm sending you. Everyone else gets less exciting ones that are actually appropriate for a July wedding.

That Raid ad just said, "It also kills ants for up to 4 weeks!" Good. Even though they presumably come back to life a month later, that's 4 fewer weeks of zombie ants.

I unplugged my phone from the charger, and it was at 58%.
I talked to Jacob for 15 minutes, and it was then at 60%.
I guess talking to him charges my phone now. Probably because we share a plan.

Elizabeth was sitting on the air vent and hogging all the warm air. So I sat on her until she agreed to move. This is what being a big sister is all about.

Me: I'm brushing my hair but it's being especially difficult today./Jacob: Here's a tip. If you rub your hairbrush with a bit of lemon, it won't help. It'll be as bad as it was before.

Sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between the silly things Jacob says when he's awake and the silly things he says when he's asleep. I thought he'd been quietly sleeping for a while, but then a minute ago he suddenly said good night, he loved me, and not to get hit by a truck. I really have no idea whether he was awake for that or not...

Last night, as I was trying to sleep...
Jacob: Oh my gosh. There's a huge... swan in our room.
Me: Honey, I think you're dreaming it. There's no swan in our room.
Jacob: I don't know...
Me: Well, if you want to turn on the light and check, you can, but I promise there's no swan in our room.
Jacob (with the vocal equivalent of a sneer): I know there's no swan in our bedroom. Nerd.
He settled down then and I giggled quietly for a while. The best part? Turns out he wasn't seeing a swan, he was seeing a snake but couldn't think of the word at first. So when I kept telling him there were no swans, his brain was saying, "Well, of COURSE there aren't any SWANS." Thus the condescension.

This morning, while brushing my teeth, I suddenly remembered that time my sister Elizabeth forgot how to clap while watching a show so she waved at the performers instead, and it struck me as super funny all over again, and I laughed and accidentally spit toothpaste all over our sink. Smooth.

Last night, while looking through a catalog we got in the mail, I decided Jacob and I would choose each other's Christmas gifts based on me closing my eyes, opening the catalog, and pointing to a random item. The end result: I have to buy him a $100 5-gallon humidifier, while he's buying me a $2.99 roasting pan. Hmm. This may not be the life-changing gift-buying solution I had hoped for.

(In the middle of a silly teasing conversation.)
Jacob: You are making me lose my husbandal self-esteem. Husbandal? What's the adjective form of husband? "Husband-having"?
Me: No, that's about HAVING a husband, not being one. Saying I made you lose your husband-having self esteem is like saying, "You make me feel like I can't have a husband."
Jacob: Well... you *do*.

Me: So the save-the-date card should be finished up soon.
Jacob: Are there ponies on them?
Me: ...What? No. That would confuse people. They'll think there are ponies at the wedding, and there aren't.
Him: What? Why not?
Me: What would we even DO with a pony at our wedding?
Him: Ride it!
Me: Why do we need to ride a pony?
Him: To be taller than everyone else!
Best reason for a pony ever. He wins. We have to have a pony at the wedding now.

I've informed Bethany I am making her do the traditional "oldest younger sister of the bride" dance at the wedding, where I make her dance by herself in front of all the guests to a 20-minute piece of undanceable classical music. She's not allowed to practice beforehand or even know what music she'll be dancing to. She does not seem very excited about this plan.

When I was in Ohio, Jacob and I took my engagement ring to get it resized. Last night I dreamed that he went back to pick it up and they said, "Oh, we lost your ring, but here, have a small plastic dinosaur instead." He thought this was a great trade and didn't understand at all why I was upset.

Sleeping Jacob just said to me, VERY sadly, "Most of you is stuck under the stereo," and now I can't stop giggling about it.

Jacob (on his computer, in a tiny terrified voice): Hannah?
Me: Yes?
Jacob: Why did I decide to play Slender?
Me: I don't know. Are you terrified right now?
Jacob (suddenly screaming): AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Me: I'm going to take that as a yes.
Gotta say, sometimes watching other people play games is way more fun than playing them yourself.

In the middle of the night last night, Jacob got up and left the room because he couldn't sleep. I was sleeping when he came back, but I opened my eyes when he walked in the door. He was wearing the same Heath Ledger Joker T-shirt he was wearing when he left, but in my mostly-asleep state, I thought he wasn't wearing a shirt at all and had gotten a giant Che Guevara tattoo on his chest. I remember thinking, "Huh. When did he get that done? I don't know if I'm OK with that," but clearly it didn't bother me much because I went back to sleep almost immediately.

Today, my phone somehow decided that when I typed, "Time for some prayer," I REALLY meant to type, "Time for some macaroni query."

Lumps is being particularly difficult today and keeps jumping up on me and licking me. In retaliation, I created a passive-aggressive song to sing at her while I made my dinner. It goes thus:
None of this food is for you! (clap clap clap)
None of this food is for you! (clap clap clap)
I know that you want it, but HA HA HA
None of this food is for you! (clap clap clap)
She tried to play it cool, but I could tell it stung.

Me: (Being silly with Seth) I don't eat eggs.
Seth: You ate a breakfast burrito yesterday.
Me: There are no eggs in that, because there are no eggs in the name. It's made of burritos and breakfast.
Seth: Well, actually, the full name is "egg breakfast burrito egg egg."

Jacob: I just passed a stable.
Me: We could get a stable.
Jacob: What would we do with a stable?
Me: I dunno. Give birth to Jesus.

Elizabeth just threw herself off a chair and rolled on the floor because she's sad we have meatloaf for dinner. My siblings aren't overdramatic at ALL.

I send a mushy text to my mom about how much I miss her, and get this in return: "Aww, we mud you to. We also got"/I have no idea whether or not to read that as a compliment. I'd rather not be mudded by whatever they got.

I open my Sobe LifeWater, and under the cap I find the phrase, "EVERY ONE KNOWS." Well, that's not ominous at all... Happy Halloween to me!

(During a Bible discussion)
Dad: I'm wondering, if you were a Levite...
Bekah: I'm not.
Me: Well, good. That settles that. He was wondering.
Dad: Guys, I wasn't done with my sentence.

When I'm lying in bed, I frequently jiggle my feet or legs around, and I usually don't realize I'm doing it. Occasionally Jacob will be able to feel it because his side of the bed will start shaking along with my legs.
Last night, he told me I was shaking the bed... but I wasn't. I wasn't moving at all. I had a moment of thinking, "GHOSTS ARE SHAKING OUR BED," before he realized he was just feeling his heartbeat in his arm because his arm was lying at a weird angle. He was too tired to explain all that to me then, though, so this was the explanation I got (which I did manage to interpret correctly): "Oh, it's OK. It's just my arm. It's because of the blood."

(Looking for the train station)
Mom: I think it's over by the railroad tracks. Oh wait. Of course it's by the railroad tracks.

I was going to watch What About Bob? but didn't feel like watching a whole movie, so I turned on Frasier... only to watch an episode about an overly clingy obnoxious man named Bob who starts following a psychiatrist around everywhere and intruding into his life until he completely broke down in paranoia.
That's pretty much a 20-minute version of What About Bob? Maybe all Frasier episodes are 20-minute rewrites of famous movies...

I had a dream last night that I got a teaching job. My first day, I taught one class and then all the teachers told me to stop working. I asked them why, and they said, "Well, it's the first day back from winter vacation. And on the first day back from vacations, we always just teach one class and then just eat fried chicken and donuts in our offices."

Last night's dream: Jacob, Ben Griffith and Audra took over a church service to sing a medley of songs dedicated to me that included "Someone Else's Clothes" and "Mamma Mia." I felt very awkward but my dad thought it was awesome and kept trying to get me to dance on the pews.

As I ranted in RinkChat today, I still can't ever hear "Word of God Speak" by MercyMe without feeling like God's trying to interrupt the singer the whole time.
Singer: "I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is, it's okay. The last thing I need is to be heard but to hear what you would say."
God: "Well, cool, actually, I have some things to tell you-"
Singer: "WORD OF GOD, SPEAK!"
God: "Um, yes, actually, we need to talk about-"
Singer: "WOULD YOU POUR DOWN LIKE RAIN!"
God: "...Are you not done?"
Singer: "WASHING MY EYES TO SEE!"
God: "Well, just... let me know when you're finished."
Singer: "YOUR MAJESTY!"

So we're in the middle of a fairly serious God-related discussion, and suddenly Mom says, "OK, everybody, watch this." She puts a piece of toast in her mouth, and says (as she simultaneously does what she's saying), "Chew. Chew. Chew. And then swallow." Turns out she was celebrating the fact that she's done with the juice fast she was doing and now she can eat solid food again. My family is awesome, but sometimes very confusing.

Jacob: Yay, I'm home! Now I can eat my food and play with my puppy!
(Pause, then, simultaneously, we say)
Jacob: But I shouldn't eat my puppy and--
Me: That's better than eating your puppy and--
(Pause)
Jacob: Wow.
Me: Yup. We were both making the same dumb joke. We're so cool.

Mom quote of the day: "I wouldn't want to marry a professional dancer, because he'd just twirl all the time." Yup, I'm pretty sure that's all professional dancers do.

Last night, in his sleep, Jacob started saying, distressed, "How do they work? How do they WORK?" When I asked him what he meant, he said, "The... the industries!" I told him I didn't know, and he said, "This is ridiculous. HOW DO THEY WORK?"
The story continues: I then went on to dream that Rachel Held Evans wrote a book called "How Industries Work," but it was mostly full of pictures of dogs since she only wrote it in 90 minutes. I wrote a review saying I didn't like it. Then she wrote another book, and at a press conference, she explained, "I wrote THIS book in 90 SECONDS to explain why everyone who didn't like my last book is stupid."

One of the Megill Thanksgiving traditions is to choose an item that represents something you're thankful for. This year, Seth put in a Sorry game piece and said, "I'm thankful that when Joel hits me, he often apologizes." ...I think this brotherly relationship may need some improvement.

(Jacob was on the phone with me, and at one point I washed my hands.)
Jacob: I just figured you should know that, over the phone, the running sink sounds like the screams of 1000 devastated people.

Pandora seems to be hazy on the concept of boy bands, as their "boy bands" genre station keeps playing artists that are neither bands nor boys. Unless Celine Dion and Britney Spears have been keeping secrets from us all.

Jacob, while driving home from work: "Ugh, why is this person in front of me driving at a safe speed that is not too slow and not too fast but I want to drive faster?"

Jacob and I came home from Huddle House to find that my Recently Watched list on Netflix included 5 episodes of an anime series, apparently watched Saturday morning. I can only assume our puppy decided to entertain herself with anime while we were out.

Some people go to parties or to movies or hang out with their friends in the evenings. Jacob and I sit at home listing all the words we can think of that end with "pressed."

A FB message I just got from a stranger:
"Hello
How are you doing??? What a nice and sparkling smile. I wouldn't trade that smile of yours for anything, I was searching for an old friend of mine when i stumbled on your profile.I got entangled in that wonderful smile and i couldn't stop myself from saying hello.
Please always wear that smile and if you don't can i be a friend?
Stay Blessed."
I must say, I'm relieved he's not going to trade away my smile. I wasn't aware people could even DO that.

It's snowing again. It'll probably snow forever and it will never be spring or summer, it will just be winter for all eternity because it seems the White Witch has taken over Illinois so we won't even have Christmas ever again and even when four kids magically transport here from England to defeat her, she'll just turn them into stone and then bury them under mounds of snow and we poor Narnillinoisians will just have to get used to trudging through snow for the rest of our lives.

(Talking wedding plans)
Me: I saw on QI that laser pointers can pop black balloons, so we're going to fill some dark balloons with confetti, line the reception hall door with them, and then when Jacob and I walk in, we're going to have a group of our friends pop the balloons with lasers. IT IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME.
Heather: WHATTTT
Heather: That is the best idea ever.
Me: As long as we can get it to happen. We'll have to practice it to make sure it works. Heh.
Heather: OH DARN YOU WILL HAVE TO PRACTICE POPPING BALLOONS WITH LASERS OH NO
(Sadly, this did not end up working. I suspect the laser pointers we got were not nice enough. But it would have been SO COOL.)

Last night I dreamed Jacob wanted to take up a hobby, so he joined a local group called the I Love Swastikas swim choir. They wore snorkeling masks and swastikas and swam and sang all at the same time. My mind is confused about appropriate leisure activities.

Me: What was the name of that black robot from Megaman?
Nathan: Bass. Did you know that all versions of that character are public domain?
Me: What? They are?
Nathan: Yes. All the Bass are belong to us.

Last night's dreams were mostly about serial killers, but there was a slightly less terrifying one where someone was mad at Jacob and me because we didn't have a "jumpmaid" - someone traditionally hired to jump up and down behind him at the wedding to show he was happy.

I washed my hands this morning and then panicked a little when I couldn't get the water to shut off. Then I remembered I don't generally wash my hands in cold water, I tried turning the hot water faucet instead, and, voila! Like magic, the water turned off.

This morning, I planned out my entire life strategy for if there was a tornado while I slept and the windows in our bedroom broke and a piece of glass flew into my back, severed my spinal cord, and left me paralyzed forever. I like to be prepared.

I had a dream last night that Elizabeth was having a party at our house, but all her friends' cars were blocking the driveway and I couldn't park my car anywhere. I was so mad that I moved out of the house. That might have been an overreaction.

Last night's dream: Missy Elliott wanted to change her license plate to read "Bobadadonkadonk." As this was, obviously, too long to fit, they just chose the first 7 letters so it read "BOBA DAD." Missy was VERY upset because she said her license plate now made her sound like a nerdy father who was a big fan of Boba Fett.

Elizabeth was getting me a buffalo chicken sandwich from Subway but had a great deal of difficulty remembering the name of the sandwich. She kept calling it "chicken beef," and then she said, "No, not beef. It's... what's the name of that thing that's not an elephant that roams through South Dakota?"

Jacob made me oatmeal this morning. I go to the kitchen, get out a bowl, go to the stove, take the lid off the oatmeal pan... and then apparently proceed to pick up Jacob's drinking glass next to the stove, and scoop a spoonful of oatmeal into it. It was a rather surreal realization - I don't remember picking up the glass at ALL, I just suddenly looked down to see I was holding a cup with oatmeal in it, and Jacob was saying, "Uh, that's MY glass..."

Occasionally, Jacob's snoring sounds like the TARDIS. I was dropping off to sleep last night when I suddenly heard it and a tiny sleepy part of my brain thought, "The Doctor is here!"

Last night I had a dream that in the middle of a church Christmas pageant, someone came up to me and whispered that they needed help with a panicked lobster. I followed them to the back, where they show me that they had SUPERGLUED fake dog fur and a fake dog head to a lobster, who was indeed very unhappy with it and kept jumping out of its box and running away. I told them there wasn't much I could do about it, and they probably shouldn't try to use it in the show.

Jacob and I are mushing all our names together to create new married last names for ourselves. He suggested "Kragillniel," but then said there were probably a bunch of Jacob Kragillniels on Facebook already. I searched and confirmed there weren't any, but Facebook asked me if I'd meant to search for "jacobs kragillniel, jack kragillniel, or jacobo kragillniel." Because apparently "Jacob" was the word most likely to be wrong in that search.

Whenever Lumps stretches, it looks like she is bowing. This is especially fun when she does it in front of me. This morning, as I walked out of my room, she ran over and bowed down at my feet. That's right, Puppy. Bow to your Commandant.

So, fun fact: You can now sign into MySpace with Facebook.

Apparently one of my siblings lost a tooth in the Lego box. At least, I hope they did. Otherwise we've got somebody else's tooth sitting in with our Legos. That's not OK.

You know your mother is tired when someone asks if there are any snacks in the house and she very seriously responds, "No snacky snacky."

(During a conversation about religion with an atheist friend. Edited for length, but the idea's the same.)
Him: It's very difficult to have a sane discussion [about religion]. Without, y'know, people assuming I'm either attacking them or attempting to sign up, neither of which is the case.
Me: WHAT I was only having this conversation with you because I thought you wanted to convert!
Him: LOL
Him: Sorry. I know you guys have a quota.
Me: I guess now it's just a conversation and not a convertsation, as we like to call it.
Him: LOL LOL
I really hope nobody does call it that. That's new levels of cheesy even for Christians...

I have just discovered a spectacularly awful Les Mis fan fic where Eponine and Enjolras get married. In one paragraph, it calmly announces that Gavroche is dead; in the next, Eponine is squeeing over the pink heels Enjolras bought for her. She explains that their wedding guest list is small because "we don't have that many friends who are still alive." This is what happens when fangirls get to my musicals.

(Playing Scattergories, the category is "Things you keep hidden")
Mom: Garlic. For vampires.
Dad: What? Why would you want to hide it from them?
Mom: Because otherwise the vampires will put it away!
Dad: What vampire shows have YOU been watching?

The subtitles on this episode of Buffy said, "The bar matrons talk of you," but I thought it said, "The bear matrons talk of you," and I was like, "I WANT BEAR MATRONS TO TALK ABOUT ME, THAT SOUNDS AWESOME."

Sometimes I react to the videos I'm watching out loud. This means that Jacob and I can be sitting in total silence for like five minutes, and then suddenly I'll creepily whisper, "The monster is going to kill them."

It's Xbox Karaoke night in our house. You should all know that you missed out by not getting to hear Nate Adams' amazing performance of "The Ants Go Marching" tonight. The virtual Xbox audience was rocking out to it pretty hard.

(The topic is pizza toppings, the letter is C)
Dad: Well, the obvious one is "cheese."
Our entire family: OHHHHHH, right!
Elizabeth: Guys, I even thought of "cheese" but forgot it began with C. I sat here for a really long time trying to think of a word I could put it front of "cheese" to make it begin with C.

Here's a handy tip for playing fetch with a puppy: Keep accidentally throwing the ball directly at her face. Sometimes she will catch it, but at least half of the time it will bounce off her face and land back in your lap without her realizing it. Then she will run all over the house looking for it, and you can finally get some more work done.

"Crown Him With Many Crowns" has been stuck in my head all day, but I forgot some of the real lyrics and my brain apparently decided to substitute these:
Awake, my soul, and sing of him who died for thee,
And gather Ewoks in his name through all eternity.

After keeping my phone in my pocket all day, I pulled it out to discover it had been busy pocket-texting. It apparently tried to send a message that said simply, "A new job" to the following phone numbers: N41, 1317+3, and 778668743478659442263947345322772732522272. The message failed to send correctly.

Last night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I listened to some stand-up comedy competition on BBC radio. My favorite joke of the night: "Thank you very much to the French man who translated 'beaucoup' for me. It meant a lot."

Today I was having trouble putting on one of my gloves, so I made up a sad country song about it that went, "I can't put my gloves on, I can't do it, I can't do it." I only sang it for about 30 seconds, but it's now been stuck in my head for 45 minutes.
(I taught it to my siblings. Now, if any one of us starts singing, "Ah cain't put mah gloves on," everyone else has to chime in with, "Ah cain't do it, ah cain't do it!")

Jacob: "I have too much hair. I need to cut it. Right now, if I was riding a bike and fell off, my head would be just fine."

Here is a fun story from my past: Once, I went to Subway, intending to order a footlong meatball sub. When the woman asked me what I wanted, I accidentally started off with, "I want a football" ...and then couldn't stop giggling about it. She kept giving me annoyed looks as I tried to explain what I wanted on my sandwich through my laughter. Most awkward food-ordering experience of my life.

Bizarre autocorrect moment of the morning: "Nose bleeds are lame" came out as "Noise beefs are kansas." Thanks, Swype.

So Facebook compiled my "20 biggest moments from 2013." I browsed through the statuses and updates they suggested and have summarized them for you here:
Leaving my job, getting married, getting married, hanging out in Chicago, posting engagement photos (which were actually taken in 2012), getting married, having a wedding shower, getting married, getting married, getting married, getting married, getting married, getting married, seeing Matilda, getting married, being married for a month, my dad and Bekah posting a Doctor Who joke on Facebook, going to a scary mall bathroom, getting married, having family pictures taken.
I think you see the overarching theme of my year... but I really enjoy that Facebook deems scary mall bathrooms and Doctor Who jokes to be just as important as my wedding.

(While discussing wedding plans)
Jacob: We could have a Les Mis themed wedding! I could go dressed as Javert and you could go dressed as... Javert's job!

This morning's text to Jacob: "Golf morning! I move you!" Thanks, Swype. (Heather Billings thinks this means I am going to hit him with a golf club. But I'm just trying to move him, just scoot him over a little bit. I'm not trying to hurt him or anything. So that's probably okay.)

This morning, as Jacob and I were lazily lying in bed, I thought I heard him say, "Did I tell you I bought bonds? Did I tell you? Did I tell you? Did I?" I was annoyed with his asking me over and over again, so I grunted a grumpy, negative, "Nn-nn," only to hear him respond, "What are you saying 'Nn-nn' to?" Turns out I had drifted back off to sleep and was dreaming about him asking me that weird bonds question. To my knowledge, that's as close to sleeptalking as I've ever gotten.

You know you've been watching a lot of Community when you see a random hoodie lying around and find yourself involuntarily muttering, "Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie..."

This is what it looks like when you send two texts right in a row to someone and they respond to the first one right after you send the second.
Me: I had a dream I was working for Sykes again. Ew.
Me: Also, as of today it's only TWO MORE MONTHS!
Jacob: That's no fun. I'm sorry. I love you!
Apparently he is not as excited as I am about getting married.

Mom: Elizabeth, I was watching this tutorial about how to cut a person.
(Elizabeth and I look at each other, a little horrified.)
Mom: ...Out of a picture. And put them into another picture with a different back drop.

Last night, I discovered Swype doesn't recognize most characters from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Instead, it called them "Commander Rhett," "Captain Poised," "Word," and, most fun of all, "Geordi La Forge" turned into "Drugstore George."

I don't know what song the Catholic church bells are playing next door, but it REALLY sounds like the theme to Blackadder...

Me: Our marriage is coming up soon! Whoo!
Jacob: Tomorrow?!
Me: I wish. Sadly, no.
Jacob: That's okay! We can get married later! It'll be more awesome that way!
Me: Yes. It'll be the most awesome when we have planned it to be.
Jacob: Unless we go back in time. Dinosaur wedding! Old West wedding with dinosaurs that we smuggled from the past!

While playing Catch Phrase tonight, Bethany gave us a clue that went something like this:
"OK, so you're a whale, and you're jumping up and down, and people can't watch the whales, and the tide is coming in-- (Dissolves into laughter) And-- what do they say?"
"...Don't look at the whales?"
"But the tide is coming in, and what are those things?"
"...Waves?"
"YES YES! (Waving a finger at us as if to scold us) Uh-uh!"
".......WHAT?"
"'Those are not supposed to be created by you!'"
And then the time ran out. Rebekah somehow magically guessed it, but I want to see if any of you can. I will post the answer tomorrow.
(The answer: "Don't make waves.")

Today, I dreamed I was on a road trip with Kathryn Keefer Doner and Elizabeth Carr and their kids. We stopped at a gas station, and I was supposed to go get coffee-flavored icees for all the kids. Somehow, I confused the icee machine and the gas pump and ended up bring back cups of ice full of gasoline. The kids were all like, "This is gross," and then their mothers were like, "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO FEED MY KIDS GASOLINE?" and I was like, "I'M SORRY! THIS IS WHY I WOULD MAKE A REALLY BAD MOM!"
Mixing up coffee and gasoline is not so much a matter of bad parenting as it is bad... adulting.

Just in case there happens to be a Truman Show-esque reality program filming my life secretly, I should explain what just happened. Yes, I realize I was chanting, "Milk, oil, and an egg, then you make a waffle," while I was in the kitchen. Yes, I realize I did not make a waffle at any point during that time. I did not forget. I actually have zero intention of making a waffle any time tonight. Sometimes I just say things out loud because they are fun to say. Sorry for the confusion. Especially to those who were, for whatever reason, really looking forward to waffles' appearance on the show.

Some days you walk out of your bedroom and realize that you're inadvertently doing the sad Charlie Brown walk. You're not sure whether to be amused that you're doing it at all, or saddened that you're probably doing it because that's how you feel.

So last night we found out the jiggly-eyed spider's species...and that its eyes jiggle only as part of the mating ritual. It was hitting on me that whole time?

Me: I'm going to eat my engagement ring. Watch me.
(Elizabeth watches as I put my engagement ring in my mouth, then make a face and spit it back out.)
Me: Yeah, it didn't taste very good.
(Elizabeth is just laughing at me.)
Me: You just wait until next week, when I eat my wedding dress.
I am in a very silly mood tonight.

Last night I dreamed I was with a group of people who were telling stories, and everyone could tell either a happy story or a sad story. This was one of the happy stories:
A man got a new job because his friend who worked there recommended him, but as soon as he started working there, his friend started asking him to do illegal things. It was awkward because he didn't WANT to do illegal things, so it put a strain on the friendship. Then one day he was walking in the basement and a mouse kept running up to him covered in blood and then running away. It turns out, the mouse had somehow killed his friend, dragged his body into the vents, and was eating him. So the man didn't have to do illegal things after all.
...Yay, happy ending?

Sometimes when people send me requests for the "Musicals" playlist on SongPop, I think, "HA! Little do you know what you're doing. I know ALL the musicals and ALL the songs and I will beat you by thousands of points and you will think, 'I wish I knew as much about musicals as that random girl does. She seems amazing and awesome and better than me at everything.'"
And then I misclick and say that "Sweet Transvestite" is from Fiddler on the Roof.

I have just realized I've been at the library for several hours each day for the past week, and in that time not a single stranger has approached me listing their Facebook page at me, demanding that I drive them to Wal-Mart, or offering me a husband from "the automobile place." The Midwest may be crazy on occasion, but it's SO MUCH LESS crazy than South Carolina.

With SwiftKey on my phone, I can just choose what it thinks will be my next word without typing anything. Today I used that to send Jacob this message made entirely of predictive text: "I love you so much for the first time in the morning and evening of the most depressing moments in life." It SOUNDS poetic, but I'm not sure it actually is...

I opened a soda. It's been buzzing loudly next to me for like ten minutes now. I can't decide if this is just the most carbonated soda ever or if a bee is drowning in it.

Watching last night's American Idol. They've just promised us that after the break we'll see "some of the most star-studded performances yet." I don't think they know what star-studded means. None of these people are stars yet. And even if they *were*, they're singing one at a time. HOW CAN A PERFORMANCE BE STAR-STUDDED WITH ONLY ONE PERSON PERFORMING?
Ticia suggests their costumes will have stars with studs on them. For English's sake, I sure hope so.

Fun fact: Sometimes, when you're trying to say "Fort Wayne," Swype thinks you're trying to say "Fiery Wartime." I think I missed out on some exciting times when I lived in Indiana...

Elizabeth: Did you know that if you go to McDonald's and order "two sodas...and another soda," they will laugh at you?
Helpful tip of the day.

Me: It's 12:34! Make a wish!
(We all do, silently.)
Nathan: I wished it wouldn't be 12:34.
Me: Well, we'll have to see who wins, because I wished it would be 12:34 again!
Rebekah: Me too!
Man, we suck at making wishes.

I dreamed last night that I went back to Huntington and they'd replaced the HUB with a dorm called "The Cornflower," which had a giant ear of corn statue outside. I asked Jacob why they did that, and he said, "Oh, they're just trying to appease the corn gods."

Elizabeth just informed us that the only sci-fi movie she's ever seen is "Mr. Spaceman Goes Zoom Zoom Doc Doc Brown." That's not even close to being the name of the movie. Even if it was, her claim would still be entirely untrue.

(Jennie has been watching Master Chef and giving us the highlights.)
Jennie: Oh dang one of the team leaders cut her finger and fainted. And when I say cut her finger, she was using the mandolin and forgot the guard.
Me: I have no idea what those terms mean as far as cooking. All I can imagine is that she is playing a song on a mandolin in a castle and forgot there was a castle guard around the corner, and he was surprised by her mandolin playing and cut her finger.
You have all learned something today. Surprise mandolin playing hurts people. Don't do it.

I tried to send Jacob a text message about the Doctor Who Christmas episode having evil snow, and for various reasons he got it twice. Then this happened.
Jacob: Now I know it twice!
Me: Here, you can know it again: EVIL SNOW EVIL SNOW EVIL SNOW!
Jacob: Nope, I just got dyslexia and learned that live owns vile wons slive now.

Goodness, I've been posting a lot of links this past week. I should come up with interesting things of my own to say instead. Hmm. Well, I had a dream that Tina Fey wrote an 8,000-page book on how to become a priest. That was fun.

Elizabeth: Ugh! I don't like this parking lot! Or parking store! Or whatever it's called!
Me: "Parking store"? Why would you even call it a parking store?
Elizabeth: Well, because there's parking. And... it's not a store.
Her logic is always a fascinating thing.

Jennie: Does this look like a good scanner?
(She shares a link.)
Me: I don't have any knowledge of chips.
Me: Er... I mean scanners.
Me: My siblings were talking about chips as I typed that sentence.
Jennie: LOL
Jennie: I KNOW NOTHING OF DORITOS
Jennie: WHAT ARE THESE PRINGLES YOU SPEAK OF?

An ad for some video game said, "Make your nightmares come true on Halloween." If we're going by last night's nightmares, that means Jacob and I are going on vacation to Barbados today and at first we will have a lovely time hanging out next to a little stream but then he's going to get mad at me because I drank out of the same side of the stream as he did and apparently that's unhygienic.

(Trying to identify movie characters by just their hair on a Sporcle quiz last night)
Me and Elizabeth: That's Jesus!
Dad: I tried that, and it's not the right answer.
Nathan: Actually, I think it's Rambo.
Mom: Those two are SO similar!

Uh, so I just realized I've been under the impression all day that I've been to Canada. I haven't. I think I had a dream about it last night. This came up when I saw an old blog where I said I wanted to travel outside the country, and I thought, "Oh, I've done that, because I went to Canada! ...No, I didn't!"

Last night's dream: The whole family went to "a live performance of the Katy Perry movie," which, yeah, ended up being pretty much just a Katy Perry concert. There was a large square of dirt in the middle of the auditorium floor, and she told us all to feel free to do some gardening while we listened to her songs. So that was nice.

Jacob and I just spent like ten minutes trying to remember the name of the last book in the Twilight series. Our guesses included "Midnight Dawn," "Waking Dawn," "Sparkly Dawn," "Sex Dawn," and "Dawning Dawn."

Did you know if you shoot the person sitting next to the pilot in a helicopter, the helicopter will explode in mid-air and plummet to the earth where it will explode again? These are the things I learn from James Bond.

A minute ago, Elizabeth slowly woke up, looked at me and the first thing she said was, "If a guy was a genius dude, and he kept skipping through time because he was allergic to something, would you assume it was a watch or toothpaste?" Turns out she had been having a weird dream. I thought maybe she was still in it.

Listening to the radio yesterday, I finally heard the lyrics to "Don't You Worry Child" by Swedish House Mafia. Or, well, more accurately, I heard these lyrics: "Don't you worry, don't you worry, child, Diego's gonna pray for you." So now in my mind it's about some mighty prayer warrior named Diego. When he prays, stuff HAPPENS.

Elizabeth: Hold on, what are the C's of diamonds? Cut and carat... Classicness? Covered in oil?
Yup. Covered in oil. That's the one.

(Jacob's right eye had been bothering him all day)
Jacob: What if I have to get my eye amputated, and I have to get an eye patch?
Me: Well... at least you'll look cool with an eye patch then.
Jacob: (excitedly) I KNOW! And I could get an eye patch that made it look like tentacles were coming out of my eye! That would be so cool!

Trying to catch up on American Idol. In this girl's introduction video, she said she was a sophomore, but I thought she introduced herself by saying, "I'm [whoever] from [wherever], and I'm a size four," which seemed like really unnecessary information.

NaNo excerpt of the day:
"I don't know," King Arthur said, "this is not an adventure for the faint of heart."
"I am not faint of heart," Katrina said. She instantly burst into song and sang three Italian arias before she finally stopped.
"You are right, no one faint of heart can sing those arias like that," King Arthur said. "You may come with us."
Because that's how that works.

When someone says, "Wow, Chekov gets picked on a lot," the theater nerd and the sci fi nerd in my brain have to work together to figure out whether they're referring to Anton Chekhov or Pavel Chekov. (I should have trusted their spelling. It was Pavel.)

When I am all alone in the house, I can sing as loudly and obnoxiously as I want without feeling at all self-conscious when I only know about every other word to the songs. "It's been two years since I let you go, a ga boo la ba joo ba dee ba rock and roll!"

The beginning of my phone call with Jessica Lyn Murphy went as follows:
Me: Hi!
Jessica: Hi! ...I was going to say, "Well, hello, Madame Hannah," but that's not what came out.
Me: That's OK. I can just pretend you said it.
Jessica: Well, technically, I guess I did.
I have *missed* her. It was a good chat time today

Elizabeth is just super quotable tonight. Her, a second ago: I need... computer plablet!
All of us: Computer plablet?
Her: I mean fingernail clippers!

(Playing Last Word. The subject was Things That Are Flat, the letter was T.)
Elizabeth: Tom!
Me: What? "Tom"? What makes Tom flat?
Elizabeth: Well, you should see him!

Every time Elizabeth walks into our room she throws herself face down on her mattress. I always have a moment where I wonder if she's angry or sad, but, no, it turns out she just really likes plopping face down on soft surfaces.

When writing about phone specs, it's really important to not confuse decimal points with apostrophes. This is the third time today I've accidentally typed that the Samsung Galaxy S 4 Mini will have a screen that is 4'3". Which is... unlikely.

Well, during my nap I dreamed that NLDC told Bethany she had to leave them to work for President Obama, but in reality they had just hired Gregory Peck and Cary Grant to kill her. I was trying to help save her, and in the process they knocked four of my teeth out. I remember thinking, "Wait, I've lost teeth before!" (Because I have, in other dreams.) "I don't feel any gaping holes in my mouth... My teeth must grow back together! But, wait... maybe those were all dreams! OH, NO, MY TEETH ARE GONE FOREVER!"

This morning I was singing what was stuck in my head: "Have yourself a very little Christmas." And then I realized those aren't the lyrics. I think I subconsciously want everyone else's Christmas to be smaller than mine so that mine will be THE BEST.

Just referred to "a healthy pair of teeth" on Textbroker. If you only have a pair of teeth, they might not be that healthy.

Best conversation of the week. I miss this crowd.
Tim: I'm using speech to text but it doesn't understand my address
Me: If I use speech to text, my address is almost the exact same.
Jonathan: Yes but Tim lives on supercalifragilisticexpialidocious lane
Me: Well, that would be a problem, because my speech to text apparently translates that as "What caliber to be a little."
Tim: The irony is that I live on what caliber be a little drive
Me: MY PHONE KNEW

Nathan and Rebekah and I have just spent 15 minutes doing jazz hands. After a while your hands just start twitching and you can't do anything anymore. This had some very amusing results. This is how we spend our evenings.

After reading my scathing review of the really, really awful book "The Quest for Forgiveness," my awesome friend Travis sent me another by the same author so I can snark it on my blog. Then this exchange happened.
Me: Opening sentence: "The fury of the restless waves pounded the cliffs as the scientists fought desperately for a cure." This is gonna be a fun ride.
Travis: *jawdrop*
Me: I was not kidding about the writing.
Travis: I feel like maybe I've been too hard on myself and the viability of my own prospects as a real writer.

There's a bug over by the TV that looks and moves like a spider, except, uh, it occasionally flies. I'm not terrified. I'm definitely not going to hide under my Snuggie until I forget it's over there.

How my Swedish-speaking friend began his status update: "3, 6, 5, 8."
What Bing Translate told me he was saying: "3, 4, 5, 8."
Uh.

There's a can in our bathroom that says "Burn Relief Continuous Spray." I guess you better be REALLY sure when you want to use it, because once you start spraying it, it can't be stopped.

I just had a dream that the plot of Shakespeare's Richard III revolved around a sea serpent, the Statue of Liberty, and accusations that Richard was sleeping with a robot. Looks like Shakespeare missed out on writing what could have been the most awesome play ever.

Writing an article about dental health for Textbroker. I almost didn't catch this spoonerism before I submitted the article: "Your dentist means it when he tells you to drop stinking soda."

I dreamed that I finally got in to see a doctor, and he said, "So, have you tried acupuncture? I have arthritis in one finger, and they say acupuncture is the way to go. Here, try it." He grabbed a pin out of his drawer and showed me his arthritic finger, and tried to get me to stab it with the pin, even though I REALLY DID NOT want to.

Last night, Elizabeth was showing us a booklet she got at Dare 2 Share that she said smelled bad. I smelled it and said that it didn't smell bad, but that, somehow, it smelled like Christian music from the early 2000s. Nathan smelled it and agreed. We have no idea how or why, and Bekah and Dad have no idea what we're talking about.

I had tuna for lunch. That's healthy! As long as we don't mention the part where I followed it up with several forkfuls of chocolate frosting!

I had my first wedding stress dream last night! I dreamed we were getting married in a circus tent, and I didn't want to wear my dress yet but I couldn't find a place to put it without it getting dirty, because the tent had a dirt floor that was pretty much covered in elephant poop.

(I'm in the kitchen, Mom's in the living room)
Me: So I learned this morning that a LOT of European countries have or had colonies in the Caribbean.
Mom: Like Norway?
Me: Well, no, but the Netherlands had a bunch.
Mom: OH MY GOODNESS HOW ARE YOU?
Me: ....?
Mom: YOU NEED TO COME HOME!
Me: ...What?
(Turns out she was calling Dad as I was talking to her and the last two sentences were to him. But I was very confused for a bit.)

Elizabeth told us today that she didn't want to watch "Mr. Spaceman and all the 'Hey, we're funny!'" She was referring to a TV show. Can any of you guess what it was?
(The answer was 30 Rock.)

Sarah meant to send me a smiley, but she sent me a :" face instead, which she says looks like a cat with half its whiskers shaved off. I am now trying to think of conversations in which "cat with half-shaved whiskers" would be an appropriate emoticon. Suggestions?

While proofreading this Textbroker article, I discovered my suggestion that people decorate their front porches with planets in old containers. That is not really a feasible decorating tip.

My fortune cookie: "You are smart, for you do things smartly." Good to know.

Alfie Boe's version of "A Living Prayer" sounded gorgeous and inspirational until I was sure I heard these lyrics: "In your love I find release, a three-foot frog along my seat." Turns out the line is really "A haven from my unbelief," but it had me very confused for a moment.

Watching the Oscars and chatting with the Rinkies, who are much more intelligent and awesome than the crazies in the chat section of the live stream I'm watching. A sample: "Did anybody even actually see Lincoln?" "Tom Hardy should have been nominated for Bane!" "Adele is pregnant lol."

(We were watching YouTube videos on the TV.)
Elizabeth: There should be a butt.
(We all look at her, confused. She looks mortified, then confused, then says very deliberately...)
Elizabeth: I mean, there should be a mute button.

I got back from my visit to find seven Jack Chick tracts randomly sitting on my bed. Is my family trying to tell me something?

Best of 2012: Facebook

Figured while I'm still getting back into the swing of things with blogging (this month is turning out to be not any less busy than previous ones, but I'm going to try), I would post a couple of best-of-2012 posts. Today: my Facebook posts that had the most likes/comments/combination thereof, plus the ones that didn't make the cut but that I really liked.

Top 10 of the Year (According to My Friends)

10. A voicemail from Jacob last night, about the name of a road: "It's not spelled like Samson from the Bible, it's spelled with a P." Just as I was snarkily thinking to myself, "Psamson?" he continued, "And I don't mean that it has a silent P at the beginning."
These are the moments when I think, "Yup, we're totally meant to be together."

9. Me: I lost my voice.
Seth: Oh. Did you make a deal with Ursula too?
The answer is yes. Little known fact: I used to be a mermaid.

8. As soon as I plugged in and opened my laptop at the library, the old man near me pointed at it and asked, "What's that?"
Me: "You mean my computer?"
Him: "Oh, it's a computer? It's a... toaster?"
Me: "What?"
Him: "The name on the back."
Me: "Oh. It's a Toshiba. It's a good computer."
Him: "Oh, Toshiba. Toshiiiiiiiba. Tooooshiiiiiibaaaa."
He chanted "Toshiba" for another 30 seconds or so, then got up and left.

7. Guys guys guys! In 24 hours I will be on a plane that will take me to Jacob! (Not to an airport. Directly to him. Wherever he happens to be standing at the time, that's where the plane lets me off. It's pretty cool. Hopefully he'll be standing outside, because it would be unfortunate if the plane had to land in a building.

6. Turns out, if I am left alone for several hours, I start singing everything I'm doing. "I'm gonna put this blind dowwwwwn, so I won't see anything creepy through the windowwwwww..." Apparently I am now Marshall Eriksen.

5. I just bought 26 movies for $28. Win.

4. It has now been six months since Jacob and I made our relationship official (after our two weeks of secret kinda-sorta dating unofficially). SIX MONTHS. Time moves so fast. It's been a wonderful time, filled with prayer walks, silly hypotheticals, encouraging conversations, and a fantastic stuffed animal monster. Now on we go to the next six.

3. Uh. So, I graduate today. WHAT?

2. I love that I am in Texas with my wonderful Internet sister Dani.
I love that this Saturday I get to be there for the start of her happily ever after.
I love that in something like 7 months, I get to make that same commitment with the love of my life.
I love that the boy I'm committing to dyes pies black just because he can and wants to name his puppy Lumpy Space Princess.
I love that I've spent the last 6 months of my life rooming with some of the best people in the world.
I love that I have such wise, supportive parents and such fun siblings.
I think there is no good reason for me to complain about anything right now. It has been a month of thanksgiving indeed.

(Right after my status changed to engaged.)
1. A status to answer all the obligatory questions:
-The proposal - It was actually supposed to happen the next day. Heh. We were going to go into town together and he was going to plan out something cute and romantic, but the night before we had been praying together like we do every night, and when we were done he decided he just couldn't wait any more and proposed right then. I knew it was coming at some point (we'd discussed that last weekend - that "wonderful talk time with Jacob" status from Saturday night was about that) but I definitely didn't expect it then, so it was a wonderful surprise.
-The ring - I have one, I love it, pictures hopefully coming soon.
-The date - Right now we're looking at next summer, but no specific day set yet, so you will all just have to leave every single summer date open until we decide. :-P

My Personal Favorites

(In no particular order)

A friend's FB status asked, "What is the first word that comes to mind when you hear 'springtime'?" I had to be honest and say "Hitler." Now I have that song stuck in my head *and* I sound like a terrible person.

It always throws me off when someone quotes a Bible verse on their Facebook status but doesn't put quotation marks around it. Several of my friends are suddenly telling me that they are my Lord and my God, and it just isn't true.

Random old guy walks into McDonald's.
Him: "Hello."
Me (taking out my earphones): "Uh, hi."
Him: "How are you doing?"
Me: "I'm fine. How are you?"
Him: "Are you married?"
Me: "...No?"
Him: "You might do real good over at the automobile place!"
Me: "...Yeah?"
He walks off.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

Joel: You slapped me!
Nathan: You were petting the chocolate. I HAD to slap you!
I have missed my family.

It's just Seth and me hanging out at home tonight. I walked into the living room where he was and yelled, "PARTY TIME, youngest brother!" He solemnly replies, "Well, to start the party, we could both mention some movies we saw recently - it doesn't matter if the other person has seen them or not - and then we talk about them." Yup, he's my brother all right.

I checked in at the Charleston airport, and "Hannah R Megill" has become "Hannahr Megill" on my boarding pass. I am a pirate!

Me: You're my crazy brother. How do you feel about that?
Seth: I don't feel good about it.
Me: You'd rather be the sane one?
Seth: Yes. (A pause, then he suddenly lunges at me, yelling) GRLARLRBREAERADRAR!
Me: ...Well, I think you've just given up any chance of being the sane one.

While I was making my peanut butter sandwich, I accidentally dropped the jar of peanut butter, which landed on my plate and flipped my sandwich into the air. The sandwich then landed perfectly back on the plate. That was kind of awesome.

This is what it looks like when introverts and extroverts fight:
Dave: There sure are a lot of books about introverts.
Randy: Well, what else are they going to do? Go outside?
Ticia: That's because the extroverts don't know how to read.
Ticia: *zing*
Ticia: Just kidding. They just never sit still long enough to write a book.

(During a phone conversation yesterday)
Jacob: I'm cold.
Me: I'm not. I'm warm.
(Pause)
Me: That was a fight. Right there. You might have missed it because it went by so fast.
Jacob: Oh. Well, you won.
And that was enough dramatic conflict for one day.

(In the middle of a phone conversation)
Jacob: Oh, dear. Oh, no. That's not OK.
Me: What's going on?
Jacob: A giant robot came out of nowhere. It is REALLY big. And it is trying to kill me.
Me: ...I assume you're playing some sort of game, but that hasn't actually been stated yet.

Yesterday I learned that with Mobile Email, I can "scan through all emails and only read the ones I want to read." Well, that would be a nice change from the email service I use now, which forcibly opens all my emails for me and refuses to move on until I take a comprehension test to prove I've actually read them. Not a fan.

And this, children, is why you should NOT just click "change" on everything when you spell check a document. I just read a student-written play featuring the inspiring line, "It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be airtight."

Me: (Looking at the reflection in the TV) The letters on your blanket are upside down.
Jacob: That's because it's a reflection.
Me: ...I don't think that's how reflections work.
Jacob: That's because you don't understand time.
Me: I don't think reflections have anything to do with time.
Jacob: That's because you don't understand time!
This is a very confusing argument. I think I lost.
This, btw, has turned into his immediate answer whenever I argue with something he says. "Well, you just think that because you don't understand time."

Sometimes I get something to eat or drink and bring it back to my room while I watch movies, but then I forget about it. Then an hour later, I'm hungry or thirsty and voila! There's already something there. It's like having a butler, but better, because having a bad memory is free!

Some people behind me in the library were speaking something that sounded like Chinese, so I started listening more closely because foreign languages are awesome. Turns out, it was just the most redneck English ever. Talk about disappointing.

Last night's dream: Vince Vaughn was wandering around my house being super annoying and hyperactive, and then he ate like 4 child sedatives shaped like candy. At first I was worried about that, but then I was so annoyed with how rambunctious he was that I just went ahead and fed him more sedatives until he fell asleep on the couch. Yet another reason I should not have children.

This McDonald's bag says, "Wake up to breakfast and the great taste of scratch made biscuits." Uh. If I wake up to the *taste* of something, it means someone is feeding me in my sleep. NOT okay, McDonald's! Stop force feeding me biscuits while I sleep!

I am so glad nobody's around to watch the dumb stuff I do sometimes. Like prancing over to the microwave chanting, "Let's stir! Let's stir!"

So I tried to wash my hair with body wash instead of shampoo. I realized my mistake, rinsed it out, and rewashed my hair with actual shampoo, but since my body wash and shampoo don't match, my hair now has TWO DIFFERENT SMELLS, OH MY. However, this will certainly throw off any vengeful dogs who are tracking my scent to kill me. Win.

CVS has 5 different kind of Snickers bars you can buy. It's like a Snickers bar bar.

Weird date conversation of the night: The implications of being able to reverse time with your mouth. For example, any food you put in your mouth would get younger and younger until it eventually reverted back into its original form. So you'd have to eat fairly quickly if you didn't want your hamburger to turn into wheat and raw cow. (Other things this could impact in a disturbing way: being sick, eating raisins, and sucking your thumb.) I LOVE that I have a boyfriend who will discuss such ridiculous things with me.

"O Princess! Thou art a piteous stranger, and I shall open up thy veins and stick a coconut in 'em while I wait." An example of the stellar poetry quoted at me in a dream last night. This is the only bit I can remember.

Me: I felt like you were lying. Or hyperbolizing. Hyperbolating? What is the verb for "hyperbole"?
Jacob: Hyperbolerbing.
(I WISH IT WAS. But it turns out to be hyperbolizing.)

Twice yesterday I said "funeral" when I meant to say "graduation." Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?

The main guy in Gladiator just bravely and inspirationally said, "Nothing happens to anyone that he is not fitted by nature to bear." That statement is truer but less interesting than what I at first heard: "Nothing happens to anyone that he is not given by the wish of a bear."

I asked ChaCha who invented salsa. They said: "Salsa is not easily defined. Who invented salsa? The Cubans, Puerto Ricans?" They gave me salsa philosophy...

Jacob: Oh, look, donkeys! Or maybe mules. I can't actually tell the difference between donkeys and mules.
Me: That's OK. That's not one of the skills I require of you, so you don't need to learn.
Jacob: But what if someone else does? YOU'RE SO SELFISH!
I can't believe I didn't think of all the other people who need him to differentiate between mules and donkeys.

I walked into the bathroom at work and a guy was in there putting in a new air freshener.
Guy: "You need to wee-wee?"
Me: "Uh, yes. Is that ok?"
Guy: "Just give me a second. Wash your hands or something before you pee-pee."
Me: "Uh... ok."
(I do so.)
Guy: "Make sure and use three towels. You can't be too careful."
Me: "...Ok."
Seriously, is EVERYONE in this state crazy?

Sentynel: My left arm has been aching like I've been lifting heavy things with it for about the last couple of hours.
Sentynel: But I'm not doing anything unusual with it.
Me: Maybe your bones in your left arm have gotten heavier, so moving it at all takes extra effort.
Me: Sometimes that just happens.
Sentynel: I'd just like to note I'm really glad you're a theatre teacher and not, say, a science teacher.

Today Jacob and I discussed what we would do if hummingbirds tried to open up his head and eat his brain bit by bit while he was on the phone with me, so he'd slowly get dumber and dumber as we talked. Other couples talk about these things too, right?

(Playing Last Word. The subject is "Things you fold," the letter is W.)
Elizabeth: Water rags!
Me: ...What's a water rag?
Elizabeth: It's a rag for water.
Me: What do you DO with a water rag?
Rebekah: You fold it!

Some people might assume these two dollar bills I found in the dryer were the result of me forgetting to check my pants pockets before I did my laundry. I choose to believe my dorm appliances are growing money.

I just spoke to a roll of toilet paper and affectionately called it "little buddy." I am clearly not entirely awake yet.

I present a family story from the past, retold in RinkChat and now here:
Once, when I was a very silly young child, I decided to started calling our canner the "hot patch boiling pot." Somehow this caught on. Not only did my siblings all start calling it this, but my parents did too. It was only a few years ago that Bethany found out that that wasn't its real name. I kind of wish she'd never found out, because it would have been hilarious to see her try to purchase one as an adult. "Excuse me, can you tell me where the hot patch boiling pots are?"

I love that if you look closely enough at a sim's computer, they apparently write novels using a spreadsheet program.

I cried all over my phone and needed to clean the screen, so I cleaned it off with a moist tissue... which I moistened with my tears. It worked perfectly. This is revolutionary. If Taylor Swift had only cleaned her guitar with her own tears, there would no longer be teardrops on it and she wouldn't have to write songs about it.

(Sarah had accidentally put her makeup bag away when she wasn't done.)
Me: You can only put on one makeup.
Sarah: No! I want to put on two makeups!
Me: Putting on two makeups makes you a trollop! OK, that's a sentence I'll probably never say again.
(She is now trying to trick me into saying it again. But I won't!)

Sometimes you think you don't have a spoon to eat yogurt with. Then you remember you have a spoon! That, my friends, is the definition of happiness.

Most recent dream: Jacob and I went out on a date, but he invited 6 other people along without telling me. I got *really* mad and yelled at him, "WE ARE NOW ONLY 83% IN A RELATIONSHIP!" (When I told Lisa this dream, she asked, "Is that like in Sims?" It very well might be.)

There was a book in the HU bookstore titled, "When Your Hormones Go Haywire." Turned out to be a menopause book (because that's super applicable to a college campus?) but the best part was I thought it said, "When Your Mormons Go Haywire." Yeah. Gotta watch out for those Mormons. Sometimes they just COMPLETELY LOSE THEIR MINDS. I'm watching you, Jennie and Ticia.

Last night I was eating as I drove home. I saw something bizarre (I don't even remember what) and decided I just HAD to say something snarky out loud to myself. I nearly choked. Moral of the story: Witty remarks can potentially kill you.

I had a dream that I bought 45 movies from a video rental store going out of business. Then I realized: 1) I didn't even like most of these movies, 2) I had paid like $50 a movie, and 3) they were all on VHS, and I don't own a VCR. Dream Hannah does not make wise spending choices.

Ticia: I just got done watching Bleak House. Good show.
Paul: Is that like regular House, but the patient always dies?

LaZorra: Sam, the Human Gungle Jym.
Sentynel: LOL, Gungle Jym.
LaZorra: Gungle, yes. Gungle Jym.
LaZorra: WHAT DID I DO
LaZorra: SOMEONE TELL ME
Sam: Jungle gym?
LaZorra: ....
LaZorra: Holy crap, my brain has fallen out.

Today I forgot the past tense of "fight." I tried "fighted" and "fitten" before I remembered.

The other ad in the bank said, "How can I get my banking to go?" My advice: Try dropping subtle hints that you're tired.

Me, telling someone about the last week of work: "Actually, it was good. We were very reproductive. Uh. I mean productive." Those words are not the same.

When my mind can't decide between singing an existent song and one that I made up, apparently this happens: "And I think it's gonna be a long, long time, til touchdown brings me 'round again to find, that's so much mac & cheese."

The song I most consistently identify in less than 2 seconds on Songpop? "Never Gonna Give You Up."

Randy: I'm watching a monk sing Opera
LaZorra: I just glanced at the buffer and saw, "Randy: I'm watching Monk sing Opera."
LaZorra: Not only did I think you meant the Tony Shalhoub character, but the capitalization made me think first of the web browser.
* LaZorra watches House sing Firefox.

Last night one of our training PowerPoints said, "Apologies usually start with 'I'm sorry.'" Is that a South Carolina thing? Because I was always told to start my apologies with "A penny saved is a penny earned."

Last night I dreamed about a poor, poor girl named Sasha Thistle who had a lisp.

I just hit myself in the face trying to cover a sneeze. That's what I get for trying to be polite and hygienic.

"Someday My Prince Will Come" just played on iTunes, and I was once again struck by how silly Snow White is. The dwarfs eagerly request details: "Was he strong and handsome? Was he big and tall?" and Snow White dreamily responds, "There's nobody like him anywhere at all." Sure, because THAT answers their questions.

As soon as my Songs for a Rainy Day album started playing, it started raining harder. When the song stopped, it let up. Do I control the weather with my iPod?

Me: I need to shower RIGHT NOW so I can then go to sleep.
LaZorra: SHOWER RIGHT NOW
LaZorra: BUT DO NOT SLEEP JUST YET
LaZorra: SHEEP AFTER THE SHOWER
Me: I DO NOT WANT SHEEP

The clock on my iPod says, "9:35 AM today." Well, that's no good. I want to know what time it'll be tomorrow!

Last night I dreamed I was dating a 2-year-old boy named Leonard McKae who worked in construction. *blink* My subconscious is weird and creepy sometimes.

During dinner, Lindsay, Amber and I watched some TV show about gangs. The gang members had terror-inspiring names like Popeye, Skinny Tommy, Frog, Sugar, and Big Scrappy. Do these sound tough to you guys?

I was telling Sam Lade about trying to convince Sarah that all movies ever were based on true events, and some of the justifications I had for this. His response: "You have a gift for coming up with utter bollocks that's more plausible than it really has any right to be." I am going to take that as a compliment.

Character on Daria: Wow, that was quite an onslaught.
Jacob (sadly, to me): I wish he had said "ocelot."
ME TOO. Come to think of it, Daria hardly EVER talks about ocelots. Why do I even watch this show?

I go into RinkChat and the first sentence I see is, "You only have one stomach. You can only be hungry. Cows, on the other hand, having four stomachs, can be hungrii." I love this place.

This website for a YouTube MP3 converter promises, "We literally have a ton of new features coming soon." How are they measuring the *weight* of their features?

There is a jumping spider with jiggling eyes somewhere in my room. I tried to kill it and it ran away. I'm never sleeping again.

That was the first appearance of the terrifying jiggly-eyed spider, but it was not the last:
I was just told in all seriousness that the jiggly-eyed spider was probably my grandparent's ghost checking on me. I admit, that had not crossed my mind.

Thanks to Mom, we now know the jiggly eyed spider, which reappeared today, is probably a "bold face jumping spider." Well, that totally reassures me.

Listening to music, and I heard the lyrics, "I can't wait until they hand me the bullet surprise." My thought process: "Bullet surprise? I don't know what that means. It sounds bad. I don't think I want to be handed one. Wait. I think that might actually have said 'Pulitzer prize.' Never mind."

Today I saw a car with the license plate "SHRD SLD." Shared slide? Shred salad? So hard solid? She rode a sled? Usher ad sold? So many possibilities.

Swype may take me a while to get the hang of, but I'm sure I'll future it out effectually.

Today Erika was telling me about a wrong number text she got from someone who then struck up a conversation with her, clearly looking for his future hottie. However, her text about this to me showed up in 2 parts, and I had forgotten about the first one by the time the second one came along, so suddenly I got a text from her that simply read: "ure hottie." I was flattered, but confused.

Lisa has expressed a wish to eat a billion SpaghettiO's. We have figured out that if she lives to be 100 and eats about 58 cans of SpaghettiO's every day until then, she will make it. So if anyone wants to start donating some so she can accomplish this goal, go for it.

Just read an interview where it mentioned all the training Zac Efron had to do to be able to "pay a Marine." Who knew you needed special training for that? What happens if you do it wrong?

(In the middle of a technical computer conversation I was mostly tuning out.)
Sentynel: I had my system start randomly freezing a while back, until I worked out by chance it was the wifi drivers playing up.
TalkingDog: Wifi drivers should not be allowed to cause freezing.
Me: LOL LOL. OK, my brain is gone.
Me: "Wifi drivers should not be allowed to cause freezing" became interpreted in my mind as "People who drive while using the Internet shouldn't be allow to change the weather and make it cold."
Sentynel: Well, I agree, meddling with the weather like that is just irresponsible.

This morning, one of the people I teach with was talking to the students about a particular note in a song from Into the Woods, and said that Sondheim "literally beats it to death." Sigh.

Sarah and I discovered last night that the most fun phrase to Swype was "malevolent management gentlemen." So, fair warning, that might make its way into every text I send now.

I just got the ChaCha question, "has an anima ever talked". It was listed as being in the "Sex Industry" category. *blink*


Some days, life is all, "Whoo! I wanna be your best friend!" And some days, life is all, "I am going to chop you up into little pieces." And some days, life doesn't say anything but gives you a piece of awesome chocolate cake and then karate chops you in the face, and you're not sure how to feel because hey, chocolate cake is still delicious but now your nose is broken.

The best part of my conversation with Jacob on my way home from work:
Him: Sorry I'm not very engaging right now.
Me: It's OK. I'm already engaged! HA HA HA HA HA! That is the best joke I have ever made.
Him: (Sadly) I know.


My favorite part of today's NaNo: My female lead accuses the male lead of robotically hiding his emotions, and he responds by letting out a screeching howl that sounds like an air raid siren. She asks him what in the world that emotion was an expression of, and this paragraph happens:
"It was a cry of mourning for Rebecca, for I have lost the one I love," he responded. "Have you never heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon? That is a very close approximation of what it sounds like."
And THAT, people, is how you reach 50,000 words in the 30 days... you get very comfortable with writing ridiculous things.

(On our way home to South Carolina. Jacob is driving.)
Jacob: My eyes have been popping for FOREVER.
(I give him a look of horror, as eyes are not things that should be popping. Ever.)
Jacob: ...And by eyes, I mean ears.
Phew.

Just got the following Facebook ad: "Need a Rabbi or Cantor for your interfaith wedding? Our free Jewish Clergy Referral Service can ease your planning stress." Well, that's good. I hadn't even thought about where to find a rabbi. Now that that's covered, I can just worry about the fact that Facebook knew my wedding was interfaith but I didn't. Does this mean Jacob is Jewish and didn't tell me? Or is it interfaith because neither one of us is Jewish but then we have a random rabbi? I have so much more to think about in terms of planning now...

When we were all between 6 and 8 years old, Nathan, Sara, Kyle and I wrote a song called "Baby, Time To Eat Your Hair" about someone who debates eating the hair of people around him but instead decide to eat his own instead. It was HILARIOUS when we were that age. Last night I dreamed that for my birthday, the three of them recorded it and released it as a radio single and it went to #1 on the charts. Dream America has even worse taste in music than real life America.

I had a dream last night that I was taking a chemistry class. The teacher wrote some page numbers on the board, told us to read that section in our textbooks, and write down 11 facts we learned about acids and bases. Problem was, that section of our textbooks was a story about a little girl who had a duck. Not a single mention of acids or bases in it. I wrote down 11 facts I learned about ducks, but the teacher yelled at me and failed me. Six months out of college and I'm STILL having education-based stress dreams...

Favorite call of the night: the woman who kept hearing people talk about a "browser" on her phone and worried it was something dangerous she had to turnoff. When I explained what a browser was, she said, "Oh! Like Facebook!"

Weird autocorrect of the night: "I feel I would have diabetes earlier if I ever wore jewelry." I meant I would have "discovered this," referring to my newly-discovered fidgety habit of putting my engagement ring in my mouth. But apparently my phone thinks wearing jewelry gives you diabetes. You have all been warned.

Facebook ad: "How to get the dream dress and have a wild time shopping for it too. Get the Guide Today!" Really? Is that most brides' biggest regret, that they got the dream dress but the shopping experience was just not wild enough?

Top Facebook Statuses of July 2012

Sorry for the late posting today! My Internet has been a little sketchy. Without further ado, here are my 10 most popular Facebook statuses from this past month!


Guys guys guys! In 24 hours I will be on a plane that will take me to Jacob Keefer! (Not to an airport. Directly to him. Wherever he happens to be standing at the time, that's where the plane lets me off. It's pretty cool. Hopefully he'll be standing outside, because it would be unfortunate if the plane had to land in a building.)

This is going around on Twitter: "If a girl is silent, it's dangerous. They're either: about to blow up, need a hug, falling apart, crying inside, or all of the above." Uh. That is nonsense. Some of us are just introverted, thank you very much. Stop lying about me, gender stereotyping Twitter accounts!

I checked in at the Charleston airport, and "Hannah R Megill" has become "Hannahr Megill" on my boarding pass. I am a pirate!


My mom left me a voicemail and ended it with, "I had a lovely day! Goodbye!" I now want to end all voicemail messages with tidbits about my life, but more random ones. "I ate spaghetti today!" "I had dreams about ghosts the past two nights!"


My superpower: accidental puns. I was looking for the sugar and when I found it, I said, "Sweet." This is maybe my 8th accidental pun in the last 2 weeks.


Me: (Looking at the reflection in the TV) The letters on your blanket are upside down.
Jacob: That's because it's a reflection.
Me: ...I don't think that's how reflections work.
Jacob: That's because you don't understand time.
Me: I don't think reflections have anything to do with time.
Jacob: That's because you don't understand time!
This is a very confusing argument. I think I lost.
(Incidentally, he started using that as his main argument EVERY TIME he disagreed with me.)

I am so glad nobody's around to watch the dumb stuff I do sometimes. Like prancing over to the microwave chanting, "Let's stir! Let's stir!"

Me: I felt like you were lying. Or hyperbolizing. Hyperbolating? What is the verb for "hyperbole"?
Jacob: Hyperbolerbing.
(I WISH IT WAS. But it turns out to be hyperbolizing.)


Jacob: Oh, look, donkeys! Or maybe mules. I can't actually tell the difference between donkeys and mules.
Me: That's OK. That's not one of the skills I require of you, so you don't need to learn.
Jacob: But what if someone else does? YOU'RE SO SELFISH!
I can't believe I didn't think of all the other people who need him to differentiate between mules and donkeys.


"And the piano, it sounds like a carnivore, and the microphone smells like a beard." Those may not be the lyrics Billy Joel meant me to hear.

Top Facebook Statuses of June

We have fifteen today! Just because. I got a lot of likes on statuses this month. Lookit me, being all popular. Here we go.

Turns out, if I am left alone for several hours, I start singing everything I'm doing. "I'm gonna put this blind dowwwwwn, so I won't see anything creepy through the windowwwwww..." Apparently I am now Marshall Eriksen.

It always throws me off when someone quotes a Bible verse on their Facebook status but doesn't put quotation marks around it. Several of my friends are suddenly telling me that they are my Lord and my God, and it just isn't true.

This is what it looks like when introverts and extroverts fight:
Dave: There sure are a lot of books about introverts.
Randy: Well, what else are they going to do? Go outside?
Ticia: That's because the extroverts don't know how to read.
Ticia: *zing*
Ticia: Just kidding. They just never sit still long enough to write a book.

Facebook video chat is a lovely, lovely thing. It let me actually see and hear Jacob today when I chatted with him. If I've gotta be in a long distance relationship, I'd rather it be during a time in history when technology is good enough to let me do that :-)

Josh and Sarah were having a discussion about the plural of TARDIS. I googled it and found out that it's a debated issue, which makes zero sense to me. How could it be anything other than TARDISes? It's an acronym. It's not like it can be TARDI. That would make it "Time and Relative Dimension in..."

So I tried to wash my hair with body wash instead of shampoo. I realized my mistake, rinsed it out, and rewashed my hair with actual shampoo, but since my body wash and shampoo don't match, my hair now has TWO DIFFERENT SMELLS, OH MY. However, this will certainly throw off any vengeful dogs who are tracking my scent to kill me. Win.

"I can't wait to see you! Well... I can but I don't want to." I love that my boyfriend is just as literal as I am.

"O Princess! Thou art a piteous stranger, and I shall open up thy veins and stick a coconut in 'em while I wait." An example of the stellar poetry quoted at me in a dream last night. This is the only bit I can remember.

I very nearly got into a car accident today. (Thank you, Jesus, for keeping me alive.) However, the terror I felt then was not THAT much more than my terror a few minutes ago when I accidentally ranked Mr. Deeds above Saving Private Ryan on Flickchart.

Some days just need to end with eating a bunch of ice cream and watching a bunch of Community. And then sleeping a bunch.

I asked ChaCha who invented salsa. They said: "Salsa is not easily defined. Who invented salsa? The Cubans, Puerto Ricans?" They gave me salsa philosophy...

I haven't written a status in something like 4 days. Some of you might make the very logical assumption that this means I am dead, but, actually, I'm not. Some life updates: a bird killed itself by flying into my windshield the other day. And I had a dream that Sarah made a clanking sound whenever she moved, so I opened her up and discovered she was full of screws, which seemed to be an acceptable explanation. That's about it.

Today is Jacob's birthday. It is also Felicia Day's birthday. I am more than a little jealous that his birthday celebrities are so much cooler than mine.

Lisa and I are sitting here, each with a half a watermelon, eating them with a spoon. When only two people in the house like watermelon, you can eat it however you want.

Lisa and I have discovered the ultimate disappointment: seeing a bag that looks like it contains Dove chocolate, only to find out it actually contains razors. Those are terrible substitutes for each other.